When Logic fails


I somehow had to put this down inspite of facing a major time crunch. I am full of so many thoughts, that I just had to get it out of my system.

Things are not very upbeat on the work front. There are still numerous questions at work for which there is no resolution in sight. I have brought upon me a certain amount of uncertainty by taking some decisions. Its more like I have tossed a route where everything seemed predictable if not challenging and have forced myself into a scenario where everything could change for the worse. But then you never know whats beyond the door until you cross the threshold. And that is what propels me to go on. In spite of all the quandaries, in spite of everything that is so secure now going to the dumps, I have taken a chance and now there is no turning back. Unsure of anything I have prayed incessantly. I read an interesting piece in TOI which said, when God does not answer your prayers, that IS His answer. Somehow it seemed to make a lot of sense, and maybe the meaning will fall into place, only when I see the bigger picture with the passage of time.

On top of that, the developments at K's work place have been such that, we might need to be away from each other for a longish period of time. I have put myself in doldrums with respect to the work front by calling upon some changes rather than going on the beaten track, so I would not be in a position to accompany him. Each time as I mentally prepare myself for our period of being away, I am intimidated by the times that are to come. I am sure I would need all the support from K and I also know that this is the time I should be most supportive of K. But, sometimes logic fails. And I see myself wallowing in self pity and depression. At times, I blame K for bringing this upon us, which then brings in another bout of anxiety, fights and another guilt trip. I know its no ones fault, they are just tough times which are meant to pass, but then wish this logical state of mind always remains. The thought of how times might be without him, make me feel too sad, while at other times I feel, its just the forethought that makes one imagine the worse case scenario. Once the phase starts, it will not be as bad as we imagine. But the thought of not having his messy clothes around, not scolding him for doing the chores that he forgets to do, attending family functions without him beside me and generally not feeling his aura in the same city, makes me feel listless. My friend S who is in the same state says, it passes, we only need to fight the bad mood days :) Hope its as easy as you make it seem to be. I am sure, K too has his doubts and emotions but he chooses to keep them to himself.....

My friend A unknowingly has been a source of a lot of strength. She and I think very alike, and somehow during my random rants with her, I get a lot of positive energy. I am sure once K leaves, I am doing to keep bugging her a lot. I know I will get something or the other to occupy me and of course there will be books. And I know of so many couples who have been apart for longer times. For that matter my parents, both being in government service at one time, had nearly 10 years away from each other. I do not know how they managed it, but I will have to buck up and take up the challenge.........



Comments

deepsspeakingup said…
Awwww,, I'm sure this phase will pass in no time. I can understand how you must be feeling. I remember the five months that I had to be away from R before joining him here..it felt like eternity! And then when I finally joined him,it was like we were never away from each other.

So dont you worry!Its just a matter of time :)
Naveen said…
Believe U me, distant relationshps r much more stronger than others...moreover dey turn out to b better stories :-)
Amrita said…
@Deeps - Yea I can understand... Hope this passes soon
@Naveen-Had a more or less long dist relnship.. so this does nt seem so fair. Our entire time together has been post marriage only.
Satish N said…
Array dude ... dont you know "This too shall pass" life is like a rope, it will not be nice if it is plain, it will be gripping only if it has twists and turns :) So take it cool buddy!!!
Naveen said…
I guess as long as your HE is dere..evrythng shud be fair :-)
Nilu said…
Hey,

Sorry to hear about this. Hopefully the time apart will fly quickly & you will be together again!

Just a few days ago I blogged about me & hubby taking seperate vacations - I try to see it as a positive thing. Do read it if you get time. Hope it helps.

http://nilufamily.blogspot.com/2010/01/taking-seperate-vacations.html

Take care!

Nilu
Shylu said…
Hey,what about taking a break for a year.. just see places,chill out and come back..wat say??
Amrita said…
@Shylu-Yea thats the last resort, but things are in a bit of flux right now to decide. And the condition is such that it will take at least 3 months to get a clearer picture. But you too were ulti sweet in tough times dear.
Shylu said…
Hey,i did nothing..

But then a few words does make a difference when we are on the look out for a hold...

Decide what will be the best for you this point of time.. :-)
Piper .. said…
Ohh Amrita, I know how you must be feeling. The G and I were away for so long, during the initial phase of our marriage :(:(
But like Shylu said, is it not possible to take a break from your work? For me, it was not..
But dont worry too much. Hang in there, my friend. Like they say, this too shall pass. Hugs
Amrita said…
@Piper- not possible to take a break immediately and the logistics will take some time to fall into place.. so as of now it too is a long wait..
but yeaaaa this too WILL pass
Renu said…
HI Amrita!..be brave..these times too shall pass.My hubby went to a training in France in late 70's when there were no phone calls or emails..and I was really depressed at that time as I was pregnant also..but with a little courage and support from my family time passed and everything became more beautiful.
Chitra said…
Hmmmm....I'm really bad at dispensing senti advice. But I can say this - treat this time for some quiet introspection."Distance makes heart grow fonder". True to the adage, one realises the complete worth of a person only when that person's away. Of course you'd miss K a lot. But that would only make you realize his importance...how much you had depended on him...those small things that you took for granted. And after all that, I am sure that you realize that you are lucky to have such a person in your life :-)!

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