You are never good enough . You are full of limitations and do a job riddled with mistakes . You are always second guessing and mostly failing .
These are part and parcel of the emotional baggage of being a mom - so I had read :) I was never one of them . Yes there were the initial days when the little one was just days old and I was clueless as to why she was crying all the time. It took me a while to understand what works for her and what does not . But somehow I saw in myself an acquifer of patience . I am the one who is first to loose it - the bus is delayed, there is no electricity and my favourite show is on tv, I am not able to find something, my code is not working - I loose my patience . That was the one bit I was most scared of in being a mom. I am ok when things are happy but my lack of patience could make me a veritable monster for someone that feeble. Somehow my mid wife's words came true- she said women are meant to have babies don't worry trust your instincts .
And there I was instinctively managing - her feeding , her baths, her motions, her outings, her colic, her moods. I always remembered to give myself and K the credit. Nah not shouting it out from rooftops but the silent ones :) (the books say to do that :P increases your confidence and self esteem which gives good vibes to the baby :P And as they say if you don't value yourself who else will :D) For first time parents with no elders around we had done pretty well . Hail instincts !
There were of course the occasional outbursts when I would be a bit edgy- mostly if she would'nt eat . But then 'hungry kids eat' and it is true :) those small instances were few and far between and forgotten quickly .
Yesterday was different though. Chiyaa has a nagging cold which made her loose her appetite. Consequently she did not have much energy to play around. She did not prefer being carried or kept on the lap either - she was generally restless and unhappy. She was especially cranky after her afternoon nap . I tried playing with her. Giving her small snacks since she did not have the energy for big meals. As usual at 2115 I tried to make her dose since she seemed exhausted . But she would not sleep after 45 mins of singing, rocking and patting. I gave up and let her play some mild games for some time. 30 mins later she seemed ready to sleep . Since it had been quite some time since her last meal I tried to feed her something - she was not interested. All these futile attempts resulted in a full blast bawl and I lost it. I let her be. I had no energy and more importantly patience to pacify her. After 2-3 minutes over come with guilt and teary eyed myself I got on to cuddle her. She sobbed for close to 30 more minutes before getting some shut eye.
I was truly her culprit. Poor dear suffering from a blocked nose and congested chest had only me for succorance and I fell short. I could not keep it together when it was needed. Feeling guilty does not redeem me. It will take a while to forgive myself.