Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Bad mother

You are never good enough . You are full of limitations and do a job riddled with mistakes . You are always second guessing and mostly failing .

These are part and parcel of the emotional baggage of being a mom - so I had read :) I was never one of them . Yes there were the initial days when the little one was just days old and I was clueless as to why she was crying all the time. It took me a while to understand what works for her and what does not . But somehow I saw in myself an acquifer of patience . I am the one who is first to loose it - the bus is delayed, there is no electricity and my favourite show is on tv, I am not able to find something, my code is not working - I loose my patience . That was the one bit I was most scared of in being a mom. I am ok when things are happy but my lack of patience could make me a veritable monster for someone that feeble. Somehow my mid wife's words came true- she said women are meant to have babies don't worry trust your instincts .

And there I was instinctively managing - her feeding , her baths, her motions, her outings, her colic, her moods. I always remembered to give myself and K the credit. Nah not shouting it out from rooftops but the silent ones :) (the books say to do that :P increases your confidence and self esteem which gives good vibes to the baby :P And as they say if you don't value yourself who else will :D) For first time parents with no elders around we had done pretty well . Hail instincts !

There were of course the occasional outbursts when I would be a bit edgy- mostly if she would'nt eat . But then 'hungry kids eat' and it is true :) those small instances were few and far between and forgotten quickly .

Yesterday was different though. Chiyaa has a nagging cold which made her loose her appetite. Consequently she did not have much energy to play around. She did not prefer being carried or kept on the lap either - she was generally restless and unhappy.  She was especially cranky after her afternoon nap . I tried playing with her. Giving her small snacks since she did not have the energy for big meals. As usual at 2115 I tried to make her dose since she seemed exhausted . But she would not sleep after 45 mins of singing, rocking and patting. I gave up and let her play some mild games for some time. 30 mins later she seemed ready to sleep . Since it had been quite some time since her last meal I tried to feed her something - she was not interested. All these futile attempts resulted in a full blast bawl and I lost it. I let her be. I had no energy and more importantly patience to pacify her. After 2-3 minutes over come with guilt and teary eyed myself I got on to cuddle her. She sobbed for close to 30 more minutes before getting some shut eye.

I was truly her culprit. Poor dear suffering from a blocked nose and congested chest had only me for succorance and I fell short. I could not keep it together when it was needed. Feeling guilty does not redeem me. It will take a while to forgive myself.

4 comments:

Soma Pradhan said...

Aww... Such a cute post!! In of the famous sitcom, I once heard, you r not successful parent unless your child doesnt hate you atleast once in his/her entire life.

Jack said...

Amrita,

Stop blaming yourself. It happens but one needs to see that it is not often. How is she now? Do follow doctor's advice.

Take care

Ashma said...

Oh dear.. don't unnecessarily kill urself with guilt over this... kids are lovely.. Chiyaa would have already forgotten everything abt it.. its ok.. as long as u got the lesson.. u shud move on and let go of past mistake.. time to make new ones.. ;-p..
and dont worry.. chiyaa will get well really soon!! You are a wonderful mother.. everything to be proud of!! Love u tonnes..Take care.

SM said...

nice review on book

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