Tagged

Hmm I owed this to Raaji..
So there you go..
My middle name is way too long 10 alphabets :-(
So I am gonna go with my nickname Cherrie :)

"C" - Cold/choice
I am very susceptible to the first.
And I don t like making the second.
:)
A little waft of cold breeze from the nook in the window, a little drop in the temperate, the fan staying on a little longer than the usual time at night - And thats it. I am all sneezing and huffing panting in the morning.
As I am prone to acute sinusitis, pain reliving balms are my best friends. My handbag always has one and loadssssss of tissue papers.
I never go to bed with out a handkerchief and a bottle of de-congesant beside me. Such is my plight.

And I have always hated making choices.
Since I was a kid it seems, I am the indecisive one. "People like us should not be given choices" - Is what my close friend and I declare. But alas!! Life throws ample choices at us :( I envy those people who had to go on a straight path through out their life, there were never many choices to make, life just thrust things on their face... I know they must be cursing their existence... But I would love to swap places with them. ( Ya ya.. I hear quite a few saying.. The grass on the other side......... )

"H" - Hope
I am always filled with it. No matter what the situation I trust the God above. I refer to Him as My chubby God :) And I believe, He can never mean harm. So why loose hope. We ordinary mortals are not able to see the bigger picture which he is etching.

"E" - Exercise
I am a freak when it comes to exercise. My family is full of exercise freaks I feel. Dad never misses his walks. Mom and sis are avid Yoga practitioners. And I have been into everything from walks to Yoga to aerobics to swimming.
And if I don t do any sort of exercise for a week, I start imagining love handles and tires :(
And this is the state I have been for the past 2 weeks. Since the weather has become a bit chill, I have been too lazy to move in the mornings. :( Have been scolding myself but not getting motivated enough :(

"R" - Reading
I love it. Cant say more than this :)

"R" - Romantic
That I am of course not. :)
Again I will quote my best friend who says " We are too practical to be romantic" I don t know how many people would agree with this. But it sounds a jazzy catch line- so we stick with it.
My idea of romance is getting duplicate keys done from the store across the street, buying vegetables together and quarreling over the quantity, and very very common place things. I am not into the hearts and flowers stuff at all...I infact get irritated by any thing remotely mushy.

"I" - Impatient
Impatience should have been my middle name :D
But it does not sound so nice so I gave it a miss.
I am as impatient as my dad.
I am impatient when it comes to any thing and everything, starting from waiting for the train/flight, queuing up in the bank or post office, people walking slowly on the streets, stubborn vegetables not getting cooked sooner,water coming slowly out of the tap, the list can go on and on and on.
I wish patience was a virtue I had. And my mom being the epitome of patience, I so so wish I had an iota of her patience.
But now I think now I am too old to change :)

"E" - English
My adopted mother tongue :)

Waiting for.. ?

I don’t know what I am waiting for. I feel as if I am anticipating something. As if something important is going to happen and I am all agog for it. Each day I am inching towards it. But what is it?

I have lots of important events lined up till early 2008. Have a lot of personal and professional commitments to be met. And each day is bringing me closer to them. As each day passes I kind of put a mental tick against that day. Ok. Done. Now next.

But then when I look back on the day that just went by, I feel, oh! No! Did I use it to the fullest? I love these words of Rudyard Kipling from the poem If

“If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run”

That’s what I feel at the end of each day.

Did I utilize it well?

Did I fill each unforgiving minute with worth?

Or was I a wastrel when it came to the 24 hours that just went by?

When I am pushing myself to do all the things that have to be done and that I want to do.. I say to myself… Hey slow down… Take it easy…

And if I let the pace slacken a bit… I reprimand myself… Oh Come on you are going to repent this. Get up and get going.

Argh! I am in such a fix :-(

And today I spoke to my room mate.

I could not take this tug of war any more.

So I just blurted out,”Such weird days aint these... I kind of feel restless”

And she was like, “Yaaaaaaaaaaaaa very true... Even I feel like that. When the week starts I wait for the weekend.. And once the weekend comes I am like... Oh God when is this going to end. I don’t feel like doing anything at work. Life is just going on yaar. Even I don’t know what is going on. May be it’s the weather.”

Then I though yes!! Eureka. May be it’s the weather after all. We have not seen the sun since ages. It has either been raining or it’s been cloudy and chill. It’s all soggy and soppy all over. And that irritates me and my roomie dear big time. May be we are a bit under the weather (mentally though ;))

I am not sure.

But I just wish I get rid of this restless feeling.

I wish I stop putting those mental tick marks against days like a prisoner.

I wish I stop looking at the calendar once in a while and count days, weeks, months….

I wish I knew what am I waiting for.. :-(

Feeling Blank

Some times I am very incoherent. I hate being in the state when I am blank. I am without an opinion, without a thought, without a vision – a state when I feel everything zipping past me and I like a mute spectator just watch on. My mind on one hand urges me to move, to get up, and to do some thing, anything but lie in a limbo. At any given point of time are not there lots of things to be completed, lots of tasks pending, lots and lots of ‘to do s’? But on the other hand I feel like just being as I am. I feel like wasting my muscles, subduing my thoughts. I feel any ways I won’t be able to effect much change in a few hours or in a day. There will still remain lots more things to be completed, some more pending tasks and there will never be tick marks against all the ‘to do s’. So why make the effort?

Just let time take hold. Let the day move on. Let tomorrow come. Tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow will throw new challenges on your face. Tomorrow will ask you to take up a new gauntlet. Tomorrow will force you to come out of the state of inertia. Tomorrow you won’t be in this insipid state of inaction.

But when tomorrow comes I feel ‘ARGH! I wasted yesterday :-( ‘

I celebrated I-Day

Well- there is nothing like a holiday standing in the middle of a week. I love it much more than an extended weekend. And this year India’s birthday fell on a Wednesday much to my joy!

Ever since 1^st August, I was looking forward to the 3^rd week. It would be a much shorter working week :-). An extra day to rest, extra hours to unwind, extra time to catch up on pending chores (thankfully no trips to the bank or the post office for me :-).)

Start of the 3^rd week of August – and office started loosing its tautness. My manager timed his vacation in this week - leading to a general slackening in the team’s interest to work. And since 13^th I was all agog for the 15^th. I was literally urging the Monday to pass.

Come 14^th morning and the newspapers were vibrant with the colors of the coming Independence Day. I don’t know whether the articles were thought provoking and compelling (because it being the 60^th year of India’s independence) or I was in a heightened state of consciousness – I could feel the patriotic fervor. So much so that as I was picking what to wear to work, I gave the western formals a pass and chose an ethnic Indian attire.

Towards the evening there were some celebrations in office with performances by live band etc. I gave the events a miss but in spite of that I could what shall I say – feel the thump!?

15^th morning – holiday : -). Customarily I hit the newspapers with my morning cuppa. And I could feel the hair on the back of my neck raise as I read the articles. Some good some bad, some touting India some deprecating. But each letter made an impact.

As I was reading there were strains of Aye mere watan ke logon, Jhanda ooncha rahe humara and the like wafting from the nearby school. The air had a tinge of chill (pretty unlikely I feel in the middle of August that too in a place located at 17.20 N latitude.) There was something different about the day – I kept feeling.

60 maybe is a big and important landmark to cross.

And evening it was the movie Chak De India for me!

Could not have asked for a better way to savor Independence Day. And could not resist uploading this picture :-) At the beginning of the movie as the entire auditorium stood for the national anthem, I felt so Indian.

I did not wear the tricolor on my shirt, I did not go for a flag hoisting or watch the ceremonial parades on national TV – but throughout the day I felt proud and strangely happy. I feel I celebrated I Day.

Tears

They don’t seem to stop some times. In spite of all my attempts, there are times when my lachrymal glands are just not under my control. The tears just roll on and on as if there is no tomorrow.

When I have such pangs, I literally clutch my heart, lest I choke myself. There is an upheaval within me which if I don’t let out, threatens to suffocate me. I feel shrouded with grief. I feel I will never be able to come out of the envelope of sorrow. I beseech the heavens to relieve me of the pain. I think of brighter times so that I can feel better. Sometimes in a masochistic stint, I scratch the wound even more. I try to prod the cause of distress and cry it all out, so that my eyes are dried of the tears.

But no. Nothing works.

With my will failing me, I just let the tears roll on.

Oblivious to surroundings, unconcerned about what people might think – I just cry. I have cried unabashedly on the benches in a teeming mall. I have cried inconsolably in the departure lounges of airports. I have cried with reckless abandon in public transports, telephone booths (prior to the age of cell phones); eat outs and many other places under full public glare. I am not a person who is comfortable displaying her emotions and would prefer to drench my pillow rather than create a scene. But some times in spite of myself, I have had such uncomfortable instances, where I seem to be under free fall under the influence of the feeling of despair.

Generally after this emotional catharsis I feel drained.

The analysis of the events that lead to ‘pain causing situation’ wrecks me.

Insignificant things keep reminding of what went wrong, or how things might have been.

I fall into a reverie and feel a stir of distress at ubiquitous sights and sounds and smells. The heart inundated with pain, takes time to see the sunshine over the horizon.

I pray to God, after each such episode not to make me pass through such trauma again. But then… life’s sky is not always azure…

The ones who never saw the light of the day...

I am generally pretty indecisive as a person.
It takes me eons to decide on the most trivial of things.
And I have not been able to zero in on a blog.
There have been quite a lot which were in my mind as nascent ideas. But I never summoned to zeal to give shape to them as words. The drafts of the wannabe blogs buzzed in my head during long train journeys or when I brushed my teeth or worst of all, while I read the newspaper.
But some how I never managed to put them in black and white.
Either I was hard pressed for time, or I found the ideas too mundane to claim space in my blogosphere, or they just skimmed into a nebulous form when I attempted to give shape to them.
But there were a few lucky once who passed through the initial draft. But then when I got to read them, my very first response would be "NAYYYYYYYYYYYYY".

Many a times I did attempt to add another line here, edit a paragraph there – but the results lacked sheen. So I gave up further attempts at improvisation.

So this blog goes out to all those who did not make it. :-(

Auto Mode

Been there Lived there

Horror And I

Profundities

Scent of a Moment

Summer of 03

Hope some day I have some postings with these titles.

Till then, rest in peace. :-|