Warts and all

On the surface I have everything going for me. I have a loving husband, a child, a job I love, loving circle of family and friends. I am mostly happy go lucky, and tend to take a devil may care attitude towards most things. I am a very firm believer of some nuggets of wisdom like 'Live and let live', 'To each their own', 'No one is black or white - everyone is grey' which helps me accept many road blocks. I have read quite a bit of Hindu scriptures (more their loose adaptations and re-telling by mom and mil) and the concept of Karma gives me further acceptance of people and circumstances.

In spite of all this, once in a while, I get jealous. Well... jealous is not the right fit. I get a rumbling feeling - what did so-and-so do to deserve such-and-such. I hate having such thoughts, as there is a popular Facebook wall picture - Never judge the happiness of others for you don't know what their struggles have been like (or something on the similar vein). Yes. I understand that too. We do not have full appreciation of what another person's life is in detail. How is any other person's bounty going to affect me? I have my kitty and they get their dividends from theirs. Their progress in no way impairs mine, affects mine. We are like different celestial bodies in the vast space, whose paths would not intersect come what may. Then why that negative feeling from me? 

This time I gave it a good hard thought... and since this space is my space for getting clarity, I thought let me try to write and analyse. Why this angst against some achievement of another? Is it because, in my not-so-perfect world, there are some wishes that seem should get a higher priority in the grand scheme of things? And when another person gets something he/she wants, I feel my desires are being pushed down a level by some Supreme Power? Is it because in my head, I have a designated state in which every person should be? Is it like I have given a time and space coordinate to each person, and any movement disrupts the field? Is it the case of misery loving company that I wish a lot of other people also wallowed in misery and defeat? 

I feel guilty for harbouring such thoughts. Being God-fearing, I dread being punished for having ill-will against another. But then I am a mere human... so help me God.

Things move on - pretty quick

My head was about to burst. Yep - I had so so many things to write. But time!! That elusive element that slips from our hands. :( 

Well whats been up. I mean what has been happening- lots.

Diwali came. A work related set back for K was not the prelude we were hoping for at all. He was crestfallen. But the proverbial things must move on. The day of lights started off low key with the usual feelings of nostalgia and reminiscence. As the kachori and achaari paneer got ready, we got into celebration mode. We had more the reason to celebrate since Amma was also with us. It was a Diwali when all four of us were together. K put on some channels streaming Tamil programmes (Diwali is celebrated by hosting debate competitions in TamilNadu. Incredible India! I hear you :D ) Some colleagues of his came up with savories. We also gave eenth ka jawab with pathar by serving mil made burfi and murukkus. Eating is such an integral part of our ethos. We eat and all is well.We munched upon a variety of food and Diwali was celebrated in the truest of spirits! 

The next day was Halloween celebration at K's work. The kid was the devil,mom a leopard and dad crazy cat. She danced her way to glory.It was so thrilling to watch Chiyaa just get into the flow and dance to the wild jhinchak music. Again - food glorious food-  was just too good! There were games, songs, dancing and general fun. Chiyaa was so beat that she literally came to me drifted off to sleep right in the middle of all the conundrum . 

The following morning work seemed unreal. I was in a trance. I had no clue about the happenings around. Slowly the senses returned. The usual humdrum of work prevailed. All was not so dark and murky even though summer was officially over. The Christmas decorations started coming up around the city. A fresh festive fervor started getting enthused. All started to look bright and happening again. 

Which made us for a moment forget that Amma's return was a month away. The month became 20 days, and then a fortnight. We had the trial run of Chiyaa at the daycare centre. The first day was a charm - she ran off,  played around and scarcely came back to us when we called. Morning shows the day?Unfortunately not in this case :( Second day she got really upset after 15 minutes. Day 3 the same saga. I decided to forgo the next session since I wanted her to have a day at peace at home with her granny. For tomorrow  we face the real deal. Yep just like my initial jitters about joining work after maternity I have total monarch butterflies in my stomach thinking about tomorrow when I start her day care. No amount of preparation can help me in gearing up to face the challenge. I know kids adjust way better, things fall into place way sooner, but when I look at her expectant little face which comes running to me for reassurance and security - I get on the inevitable guilt trip. Who will she go to tomorrow?

I just hope all goes well and all my fears are baseless hopeless paranoia.