Something is wrong with me

Any change seems disconcerting. Any change has a potential to throw a spanner in the works. But any change is advantageous. Any change is a chance for better. 

But I think I am not getting any good at changing my sails to the winds. We moved to a new place. I am still not at home here. In the place's defence I was barely here travelling to India  within a short span. Still.... I don't feel like accepting it. The return from India was uneventful. The commencing week was supposed to wring life out of us. On the contrary we were so busy we missed out on finding things amiss. I coped through the first week brilliantly and if there is any truth in morning showing the day, I felt, well the vacation and the glorious time had a positive rejuvenating effect.  Chiyaa was to start school a week on, the start of new routine and better things.  

Things are not turning out as expected. I am feeling a loss. I of course miss having the trouble maker at home. The little one also misses big sister and is super clingy. This leaves with nothing better to do but miss the company I had. I miss having all the people around. I know it was a holiday and  temporary. I feel all alone in this strange new setting. I am ill at ease, restless, diffident. Since Chiyaa started school I sent pictures of her in school uniform to her nursery. It was a pleasure hearing back from the nursery managers and them appreciating how Chiyaa had grown. But since most nursery emails are not relevant to me any more, I unsubscribed from their mailing list. It was like cutting a crucial tie. A part of me hoped to meet all the amazing nursery staff again while another part pondered what would I talk if I did met them again? My own thoughts don't make sense to me.

I am high strung for no apparent reason. Just holiday blues? Simple lack of sunshine? Or the overwhelming feeling of having too much to do? Or am I missing my little birdie? Seeing her get ready in a uniform makes it all seem so strange. She is such a little thing. Seems like yesterday I had her in my arms. Now she is in yet another setup, dealing with new people, trying to forge new friendships, having new experiences.  One  half of me wishes to just hold on to her..... Keep her from slipping away. And  another half wishes for her to grow up sooner, so that we can go for walks and swimming and trips.  I don't know what I am hoping for. I so wish I knew.

Would you hire me?

Recently I attended a job interview.This is how it went....

Interviewer - Bla di bla di bla tra la la la la la oompa loompa doom-pa-dee doo

Cherrie - (thinks When will this company history get over)

Interviewer - So..run me through your career since you left education.

Cherrie - I started my career with company 1. I worked in the retail and hospitality domain for a US client. Was involved in web development and database development. Then I left company 1 to join company 2.

Interviewer - Why did you leave company 1?

Cherrie - The domain did not make much sense to me. I feel one needs to know the business to be able to code well. But I was lost with what is the difference between a condo and an apartment.

Interviewer - What is the difference between a condo and an apartment ?

Cherrie - I don't know and never understood .

Interviewer - Stupid Americans and their terms. Both are places to  live 

Cherrie - Exactly. So in company 2 I was in the financial services domain and worked on a voluntary rewards application for my client . Then I left it to join company 3 for personal reasons. Then in 2010 we moved to the UK and I joined company 4.

Interviewer -Why did you move to the UK?

Cherrie -My husband came here and I followed him (thinks tongue showing smiley :P)

Interviewer - So if I asked your current employer to describe you in 3 words what would he say?

Cherrie- Hmmmmmm (for 20 seconds) well...(for 10 seconds) I think he would call me a team player.

Interviewer - Thats 2 words

Cherrie - Hmm okay

Interviewer - Ok I give it to you, 2 more words.

Cherrie - Has good object oriented concepts and good business knowledge

Interviewer - (smiles) 

Cherrie - (smiles)

Interviewer - If I asked the same question to your husband what would he say?

Cherrie - Hmmm.. (60 seconds) (Thinks What the.... Starts day dreaming about K ;)  )

Interviewer - You have to be quick.

Cherrie -  Hmmm..he calls me assertive.(Pauses for close to a minute)

Interviewer -  You have to be quick you know.

Cherrie - He calls me a good cook and also a travel agent since I research holiday plans.

Interviewer - So he eats what he is given and goes where he is told.

Cherrie - He definitely does NOT eat what he is given and seldom goes where he is told. ( Where the hell did that come from? ) 

Interviewer - So define how your worst day would be? A day from hell.

Cherrie - Am I in office? 

Interviewer - Maybe.

Cherrie - First up I am late to work and my mild OCD kicks in and I start thinking how other things are going haywire because I am behind schedule as per my personal timescales. Then there is some network and firewall issues. I have no clue about them since I am a mere programmer but I have to coordinate with networking and security teams. I am answerable but situations are not under my control.That is the day from hell.

Interviewer - At the end of such a day how do you unwind?

Cherrie - I walk from work to home. I hear music at a volume which could turn me deaf. Thats my unwind mechanism. 

Interviewer - And if it the best day?

Cherrie - I am on time :) There is an appreciation email from someone. Something I have been researching or trying starts to work. And people don't  bother me.

Interviewer - (Emphatically writes down something and says 'don't bother' I think that is what he writes down)

Interviewer - Where do  you see yourself 5 years from now ?

Cherrie - There is the idealistic plan and the realistic plan. In an ideal world I would love to do an MBA. I know friends who have done it and they are changed individuals. 

Interviewer - The change is called confidence. 

Cherrie - Maybe. The realistic plan is I would still be coding and hopefully knowing much more than I currently do.

Interviewer - Hm.. so  do you have any questions for me? 

Cherrie - (Thinks no let me go my kid is waiting) None that I can think of now.

Some usual exchange of pleasantries and the interview ends.

So would you hire me?

In the same vein

I am feeling like I felt 2 years back. I thought reading that might make me feel better, but then I saw nothing was worth the while. So to give vent to my pent up feelings or maybe to get some clarity as to what the heck am I thinking, I chose to write this.

Things are seeming all haywire right now and blame it all on the work. Work has kept me more than busy since the last quarter of last year. Illness ruining my speed for nearly 3 weeks added fuel to the fire. I have been bringing work home, I have been running against time to get the stuffs done and even when I am not working its work on my mind. I simply hate the feeling. Even when I am with family, a part of me feels, I should go and get connected. But then the other half things "When duty calls shove it under the carpet (I have a penchant for remembering the wrong idioms :D ) Its very tiring I feel - always walking on the tightrope. The constant dilemma, the guilt (be with family or get to what gives you your daily bread.) I prefer the easy ways of life, when things are under control. Who wants to drive in top gear and feel jittery all the way?

Somehow this time also, I happened to read a piece in the Times of India, which stated how work defined the existence and identity of so many Indians. I completely concurred with the content. Work does not make us. There is more to us than what we do to earn. But then is there more to us than what we do for some good 10-12 hours everyday? It is so difficult to etch another self from the one which takes up so much time, energy and commitment!

For quite a while things at work - this thing that pre dominates our lives have been so uncertain. The worse part is, not only for me, but for K too. Both of us would have simply loved to continue what we were doing for as long as we can. But, there seems to be something different planned - and the plan is still nebulous for both of us. Not only us, there are people around us who are also in a state of flux. The team structures which both of us have become so attached (or rather used) to is on the brink of a mammoth change - and not all change is always for the good :S. With so many winds blowing, we are not even sure which terrain to align ourselves to. And if things ultimately remain just the same, I am sure the effort spent thinking and planning is so exhausting, it will seem like a gargantuan waste when its over and done with. I keep praying, asking Him for the way, for a hint. He somehow whispers, it will end up being good, but till then I think we have to summon some underground source of will within us.

Just waiting for the tides to settle down and praying for strength. A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor they say ( At last I remember a decent saying :) ) ...... Hope this ends soon and whatever lies beyond the calm, be the best for us both..... :S

Perfect timing or Completely wayward? :-S

Some times I wonder what makes God do some things at some times? I know His ways are completely unfathomable hmm but some times I would like to unravel His intentions.
There was a time when I was in Calcutta and things were going on in a very disconcerted way. My professional life was in utter chaos. I had no other go but to make a move from the organization. And I went to any extent for that. There was a period of time, when with the salary of a fresher I used to take flights all the way to Bangalore to give interviews, much to the concern of my parents. I did not have a single penny as savings cos of this. I had work which drained me to the end, and after that what ever time I could manage I used to study for interviews and all. I tried umpteen times, but every time what I got was failure.
At that juncture I happened to read an article in Reader's Digest in which a lady had left her job due to some constraints without having another job in hand. She was in a similar state, where she was running from pillar to post but to no avail. In that article she had mentioned, " Maybe every rejection is just taking me closer to the ideal job which is waiting for me." This statement stayed with me. And no matter what I kept on trying to give every interview possible.
At a point of time I decided with my fiance (lemme call him K) that I had to relocate to the city where he was working. I opted for a transfer.
But as my luck would have it, that did not end up being a smooth transition either. My transfer date kept getting postponed, and in the meanwhile, K was sent onsite.
Ironically, the date I finally managed to get a transfer coincided with the date K got for his return to India! It just seemed as a stroke of luck, superb timing by Chubby God! It was as if He had just planned it out like a master composer, every instrument in the orchestra, every artist of the symphony, He had just laid it down. It was as if He was giving me the message"See girl! This is how I wanted it to be. Not smooth sleek flows, but ups and downs (yea Hellova lot of them) but end crescendo should be memorable"
Till date I remember flying from my home town to K's place.
At the new office, work environment was very good. I was happy all the more cos of the fact I was with K in the same city after 2 years. Our entire span of courtship (if we ever had one :|) had been with us being in different cities.
Life seemed idyllic now.
But to make any progress on the professional front, I had to quit my current organization. I had made too many changes in projects and places which ruined my chances of making it to the next level in the current organisation I was working in.
And luck had it so... I got the best offer and challenging and different work opportunity in another city. K and I thought, fair enough, if this is how God's planned it, I move, work for a year and half, put some solid learning in my resume and earning in my account and come back to K.
I moved to a new city(Again). The traveler in me loved it. And after eons I had good room mates for company (I have stayed with good people before, but staying with 6 good girls is like a boon! :) )
The work was engaging. It s like I enjoyed my life here, but I keep thinking about my life with K and when I might be able to get back. I also know once I am back with him, I will miss my friends here like hell.
But then in the recent past, one of my colleagues had been up to certain misdemeanors. I cannot challenge him on it, but he has made my stay in office pretty uncomfortable.
It was work only which brought me to this place and was making me move on. (Having good company at home and a generally peaceful existence were just lateral benefits.) Now if the work front unnerves me, I feel it was utterly futile exercise to make the change.
I dont know why God had to put me through this trail. Seems completely unwarranted to me.
Allowing me to have a pleasant stay here and a smooth shift back, that would have been so cool. But I am just not able to fathom why this now.
Seriously, strange are His ways.
I am just waiting when the perfect timer will strike again and bring in the epoch. Till then, the recent changes seem completely wayward to me.