Upcoming holidays

 The summer holidays are upon us again. In a week, the girls will finish their current year group and settle down for six weeks of relaxation. The last week at school has been madness, to say the least. Chiyaa has three days of summer school in a maths-focused school. She gets to be there and visit the city university and make a trip to a maths museum and activity centre. It is a huge opportunity. But it is also a whole lot of things to keep tabs on. Have to be mindful of what she's doing when, any changes in pick-up, selecting her meals on the days out, to name a few. She has one day of acting in a play by Shakespeare. She needs to be dropped in early and picked up late on the day. We made all the arrangements but in the midst forgot to buy tickets for the show itself. Got that sorted and now even we are all ready for the show!

These are secondary school challenges; primary is mayhem on another level. Last week, day one, Pumpki has a trip to a local bookstore as part of her school book club, then a ukulele performance in the afternoon, and I have to remember she's going to go in non-uniform to celebrate 400 years of the city.  Tuesday, it's tug of war, hence PE kit. Wednesday, it's water fight in PE kit and a change of clothes. Thursday, non-uniform again and board games day, so send her with games. And phew, Friday is one normal day!

All this with work and the heatwave has kept us on our toes. But the pang is the absence of parents. For the past three years, my parents were here. They added a degree of calm, love, joy, and happiness, which seems to be missing. It all seems boring without them.  There is an undercurrent of something not quite fulfilled. Looking forward to the  bittersweet six weeks 🥹

Gratitude

 Summer has officially started and all I can do is count my blessings.

* for the challenging work that keeps me busy

* for the stage I am in life where my kids are quite independent. I don't have to be the mom who is managing to be a developer. I am     finally a developer who is also a mom.

* for having a roof over my head and meals on the table while so many people are struggling with job searches, cost of living crisis and wars

* for having the love and affection of friends and family who genuinely care for me

* for having the time, the capability and the opportunity to exercise and indulge in hobbies

* for the ability to be able to engage in volunteering and charity and many of them with the kids

* for the health and wellness of the people I care about

Sweet nothings

 Another term holiday comes to an end tomorrow. It has definitely put me back in the groove after the unmatchable April trip to India. 

It was a public holiday on Monday, which means all of us were at home. It was a lucky hot day as well. We enjoyed the heat with some homemade food and the traditional pakhala, which is the ultimate must-have for every Odia. When I went to bed that night, I was filled with a lovely satiated feeling. It was the feeling of finding immense joy in the simplest of things. 

I have been toying with the idea of planting vegetables this year. I started them as they prescribe, first with seedlings in the house and then transferring them outside. It has been labourious and a proper test of my patience. But there is a small degree of thrill in it as well. A part of me is enjoying the small plants slowly finding their footing. While there is another part of me who is very anxious and wants to see the result soon. But it is definitely a very exciting journey. Keeping my fingers crossed every step of the way.

The girls had their holiday, and as always, it was super awesome to wake up late. I know it's a small pleasure, but I am not saying no to it. It always reminds me of the days when they were easy-going younger and I had to wake up super early to look after them. I was so used to missing having a lazy weekend. But it has been fabulous now that they are older and can look after themselves. Just affirms my belief that everything gets easier with time.

Work has been super manic. The challenges are very fulfilling but tiring. Can't have it all, I guess. But with the slow passage of time, I have only to thank God.

Waiting

 It has been over a month since our return from India. It has taken long to get used to the routine back here. I kept looking for ways to distract myself. But some things are healed by time. It took weeks of routine and IPL  to finally get into the flow. 

But the flow doesn't come without interruptions. My sister was informed of redundancy cycle in her organisation. This threw a lot of plans into jeopardy. We have so much of our future tied up to how things are in the present. We plan holidays and meet ups and events and so much more. Things are in a tizz for quite a while because of these developments. But then as usual time has lent its healing patch. Through the stages, we all finally reached acceptance. We are lucky to have the ability and the aspiration to go ahead. And go ahead we shall. As we wait for the results of the discussions to come forth, we try our best to continue as normal.

With this news in the background came her 40th birthday. Some people herald the age quietly some with a lot of fanfare. For her it was the former. The passage of time gives maturity to relish things without making a hue and cry of it. And that's exactly what we did. We made cake at home, we crafted gifts at home and we went for a quiet lunch. 

On my work side, I had a good rapport and camaraderie with a team mate. And I got the news of his leaving the organisation. I was quite sad because I do not share the same informal equation with anyone else. The current team is quite big and most of the people have been here too long. So much so they forget to make a new person feel at ease. In the midst of this there was this one team member who was always there answering my questions and being ever so patient. With him moving away there will be a huge lacuna in my work life. I have to put on a brave front and bear through the tough project. Again time will come with its healing salve and make everything ok. With my current colleague moving out, I have plans to catch up some old colleagues, because the few I have have been quite supportive for a long time. 

Things move on and time pacifies, time sorts, time heals and time helps. 

Its taking a while

 Its been over a week, still the weirdness hasn't gone. We have been through a week of school and work. We have done the usual additional activities over the weekends. We are planning walks over the upcoming sunny days. There is a placid flow of routine. The IPL season has added some excitement to the evenings. The mowing of lawn, the garden benches being out, the clothes being put out for drying - all these activities are something that fill us with joy. We look forward to enjoying the spring and the lengthening of days there of. But this year it seems a bit listless and filled with nothing. It seems a bit empty and mechanical. I am not sure if it is just the hangover of a lovely time in India. Or it is the absence of my parents who have been around for the past 3 years over spring-summer to make the days more fulfilling. Sitting on the outset of the bright months, I am filled with a sense of dread as if autumn was approaching. There seems to be nothing to look forward to. Even booking a trip or planning something seems meaningless. I still look at the time in India and think of my parents, what they would be up to. How the roads would be glistening in the harsh sun and our home would be a little, cool, welcoming shelter. A piece of my heart is still there and it is going to take a while for it to get together.

Have had this before

..when there are too many feelings but I dont think I have the words to express them. 

It has been 5 days since we are back. But the unsettled feeling hasn't gone away. The trip to India was so full and wholesome that it just makes everything seem meaningless. The inching back to school and office routine happened. It was relatively easy to wake up in the morning since our bodies are slightly aligned to the India time. The rush of a normal weekday without the hubbub back in India makes everything seem a bit hollow. 

As with any other time, we keep talking about how to make the next trip, what to do next, few short term plans and many long term plans. We will settle down eventually. We will get our rhythm and pace here eventually. We will get on with things but the lovely memories will always remain as a soothing balm. 

Home is where …

 ….Your favourite people are. And for me, they are here in Bhubaneswar. Our family is immensely closely knit, and it takes no time for us to revel in each other’s company. This trip to my home was a very novel experience for me. I have made previous trips with my kids being little, who needed constant attention. This time around, they are self-reliant. I could spend more time at home and more time with home. I was able to pitch in on some normal activities such as opening the gates for people who needed to come in or put the clothes for drying or make something quickly for us to eat. Most other times, I would be too busy looking after kids to indulge in these basic activities, which bound me so strongly to home. I had never paid much attention to how this home functioned, but this time around, I did. It bound me so tightly with this lovely home. I felt joy and beauty in every aspect of being at home. 

Luckily, K enjoyed Bhubaneswar to the hilt as well. With him, as well, he had never gotten to savour the city. We were mostly escorted by people to destinations or were mostly catered to. This kind of gives a second-degree exposure. This time, thanks to an India phone number and digital payment gateways, it was possible for him and the kids to roam around and have a blast by themselves. So much so that K just loved anything and everything about this stay.

After all this fun comes the pain. The pain of separation. I should be used to it, but I am not. I don’t worry about my parents because they are self-reliant people, and more importantly, they are good people, and I believe God looks after them. But I miss their company, their presence, the small activities with them. I miss their presence. I have always been absent from Bhubaneswar. I have studied and worked elsewhere.  I have been away from home for a long time, but I still feel the agony. Or maybe because I have been away for a long time, I feel the agony. 

Last night, I hugged my mum and cried a lot. I slept near her and spoke till midnight. About nothing in particular. She reminded me how I used to ask her to sleep near me before important exams. It seemed like the same last night. A terrible exam of going away again. 

But that is life, and that is the irony of it.