My two pints about belief

First things first - I am extremely sorry to my blogger friends for not having visited you all in a long time - scarcely have any time in a day :( But trust me I keep thinking how things might be going at your end - how are Renu's thought provoking blogs shaping up? Hows Abhishek's humor doing? How is Shalom faring with her bebe? Whats cooking at Satish's? How are the tunes of the Piper? Whats up new with niceguy? And Raaji? Hows she been doing? And all the others who adorn my favs list on the right hand side..... I am immensely sorry for not having visited you guys.. I am not sure if you would be missing me as much as I do you all... But trust me.. once I get a breather I will read each and every post that I have missed.

This post is about something else. Recently I made a trip to a temple for the head tonsuring of my 12 month old niece. It is a custom around here to have the head tonsuring once the kid turns a year old at the family deity temple. So out of our busy work schedules both K and I had to beg and threaten (beg superiors and threathen kiddos working with us *evil* ) people at office to get one day's leave. And we went to a place called Vaidheeshwaran Kovil which is a 6 hours drive from Chennai.

Now that place had such a weather, that one could bring hard core criminals for third degree torture there. It was blazing hot, not an ounce of wind and swamped with mosquitoes. But what pained me most was the sight of my niece and her cousin ( her paternal cousin is a day older to her and had also come by for the tonsuring ceremony) The babies were nearly roasting in the heat and under the humid conditions and taking care of the kids both the moms had lost all color. It kind of made me think about the efficacy of holding such ceremonies at the cost of convenience.

I know I know purists will be leaning to strangle me - but then think about it - is nt it better to do away with some rituals as they loose their significance? In earlier times, families and extended families used to stay in and around the temple of the family God. That only made the diety the family God in the first place. So ceremonies were held in the temples of the family God so that all got a chance to get together and an excuse to pray together too. But now as families are moving away from their roots, is it still essential to hold onto these customs? Would nt it have been better if the function was held with fanfare at the place of residence of the parents - in some temple there? Is it that God only resides in a particular temple? I dont think so? I somehow feel it would have been much more endearing if all would have gotten together at the kids place, had a small party, given some daan at a social service institute - that would have been so much more meaningful rather than wasting resources in to and fro travels and stays.

My mil said, you sacrifice your looks to appease God. That's why you need to go the said temple and tonsure the child's head. That made me think what my mom always says - God never wants anything from us - come on why would He want anything? He Himself is omnipotent and He has given us what we have. What will He do with our offerings? The only thing he wants is our devotion. And I somehow have always stood by it. I feel it is ridiculous trying to give flowers, fruits, incense to God. He is much much above all this?

And I hate the practice of promising stuff in lieu of favors from God. I am a devotee of Chilkur Balaji and there its a norm to go around the deity 108 times if a wish gets fulfilled. Once when my first wish (which I put more as a litmus test of the powers of the deity) came true, I thought am I not doing business with God rather than believing in Him? But when I made the 108 pradakshina around the temple and as I was chanting His name, I thought, at least by these 108 rounds around the deity, I am chanting His name for 4 odd hours. This is a simple thing we humans forget to do - thank God when all is right. Maybe this rule was made in the first place to ensure that we thank God. And thank Him not by buying stuff and placing at His feet, but by remembering Him and filling ourselves with his belief.

The quotes of Kabir Das always linger with me "Dukh main sumiran sab karen dukh main kare no koi, Jo sukh main sumiran kare, dukh kahe ko hoi? "
(Means, everyone remembers God when in sorrow, no one remembers him during happy times. But one who prays during good times, would never have sorrow befall him)

So true....

Ps. This post was entirely my personal thought. I welcome any comments on it. And I apologize before hand if I offended any one inadvertently.

Severances

Since the beginning of this month I have been keeping busy as hell. I have been getting 6 hours of sleep only. Office work is too damn challenging and managing a team being a new ball game altogether I am always on my toes. So much, I see myself loosing my cool at times. I am not a person to react - in fact I feel I am too lazy to react. But lately I see myself, reacting on a fraction of a second to people. There was a point where I was about to be very caustic in my reply to a person pretty high up - because the facts he demanded were completely meaningless and a waste of time. Then perchance I remembered rule no. 1 of professional etiquette "Respond- do not react to emails." And thank God I excercised restrain else there would have been some good music high up.

With K also keeping an equally busy schedule, we hardly had time for each other for that matter. Again Thank heavens for cell phones that we were able to be updated about at least what was happening in the other person's life.

Thanks to the cooperation of my team members, we were able to pull through something which was more or less resigned to be unachievable. We won accolades for the same and it was all kinda going to get a relatively smoother track. But then last Thursday, as I was thinking about how badly we were slogging our a**es(excuse the term) off, I got a news which completely threw me off balance. The onsite coordinator (let me call him FB )who was such a charm to work with was being replaced. He was being moved out of the project and another person was supposed to take up extra responsibility of his tasks. FB was sheer pleasure to work with. I had even mentioned about him here. His moving away came as a total shocker. Someone who was 44 years of age, had given 25 years of service to the firm that he was with, who had exceptional technical skills, was very adept at process related work and immensely talented at people management - he was being released. I suppose it was the first time, I felt sad to have someone leave whom I had no personal touch with. Over the 9 months, without even meeting, just over emails, phone calls and chats, he had build such a rapport, that it was completely unbelievable to imagine normal work without him. I always consider him as my idol - some one like whom I would like to be when I reach that point - and we always saw him as someone indispensable. But the way he was being unceremoniously removed due to budget constraints just made me wonder - what a bloody dog eat dog world is this.

My parents are from the government sector so I am kind of used to seeing the kind of respect society and their job arena places on them. The private sector does not have time or patience for those peripheral benefits. It has a different aura of its own where "performance" matters - period. I always thought, the kind of person and performer FB was, he would withstand the ravages of any recession - cause his are big shoes to fill in, he is nearly irreplaceable. But when he also bore the brunt - I thought - where do I stand? Some one who is echelons below him in every domain. I still am shocked and disillusioned - but then F's optimism only brought a smile on my face. When I asked him what were his plans going forward, with his characteristic smile he replied - "Not a worry Aamreeta ( thats how he pronounces my name :) ) I will look for avenues outside the firm, if need be. Else when authorisations are back, I will come back and join you guys in this project again"
Attaboy! Hope you get back to this very account FB.

Bas yun hi

Seems as if I am writing after eons. Work kind of kept me off blogging completely. And so much has happened in the midst that now I am at a loss at to where to start from.

A hell of a lot has been happening on the work front. Finally I seemed to be inching towards a role which I always thought of doing - and I feel challenged every moment of it. Managing people - its cakewalk if you take it as just another task, but if you decide to do it properly and with your conscience not pricking you, it is tough. Atleast for me as I am taking the baby steps.

In the midst my mom had visited Chennai - for a seminar. And so God had it, that the day she arrived, we had a 3 day visit scheduled for US execs. So much so that I was not even able to go the station to receive her. It made me guilty to no ends. Mil also said, I should be taking a day off and be with my mom the day she arrives, but sadly, we had a round table scheduled that day with a top shot and it might not have looked nice if I would have missed it. And my mom, as the feisty lady she is, said point blank there was absolutely no need for me to stay back and she would do just fine the whole day with mil. Still till she reached home, I stayed back so that I was atleast in a position to welcome her home - this being the first time she came here - the other time she had come was during the wedding and that was too hectic and jam packed with rituals for her to actually be with me. I was casually working on something expecting a call from her any moment asking for directions to our apartment or something, that I heard the sound of a vehicle. Just for the heck of it, I peeped from the balcony - and there she was! I was so amazed - without knowing the language, being here first time un escorted - bingo there she was!!! And the first thing she said on seeing me was " Why aint you in office?!" I was like "Mummy!!" And gave her the biggest hug possible!

After carrying her stuff to our home, I set her on the morphology of the house - the bathroom, the kitchen, the toileteries etc and scooted to office. On getting the least bit of free time I called her up to check how she was doing and with a giggle in her tone she answered that she and mil were off shopping in T Nagar! End of day, they had purchased 8 sarees between each other. And they even made a trip to Mylapore to the Kapaleshwar temple. There in some shop, mom had chanced upon Hema Malini! Yep, the actress! :D After a hell of a lot of snacking and packing for family, both samdhans had come home and were waiting for me to be back. Sadly I was in only by 2230 :( And the joy with which my mom received me, the un measurable pleasurable with which she waited for me and had dinner with me - it just made me realise, why mil dotes so much on K.

The next day mom was busy with the conference. But once back, she and mil took a long walk of the beach, shopped tit bits from the roadside vendors, snacked upon stuff, chatted, did cooking, arranged vessels, folded clothes - the whole lot of it. I was so charmed to see their easy camaraderie - touchwood. Generally down south, the relationships between sambandhis(I am at a loss for the english equivalent for it - could some one help me :S ) are a bit formal, I had felt ,while up north, its a very jovial and informal one. I was a bit skeptical as to how the two ladies might get along with each other - and it was really heartening to see them actually get along like a house on fire! So much so on friday when I came back early to be with mom, I found the house locked! They both had ventured to some hotel for grub! And on the way they even played rescue rangers for a poor couple who did not understand Tamil who were being harassed by an unscrupulous auto rickshaw driver! I was ahem speechless.

The penultimate day before mom left, she and I chanced to have a real long walk. We never intended for it, but it so happened that we walked some 5kms maybe discussing everything under the sun. My mom is everything I always want to be - smart, pretty, gregarious, vivacious and intelligent. If some one ever says I am half as good as her - that would be hmmm something for me. Now that shes gone back, there's a strange vaccuum in the house...... Love you Mommy.

Random bakar

Tonite I start back to Chennai - after a vacation well spent. When I started on it, I started with so many hiccups, so many nuisances that pestered me. And now at the end of it, I am satiated and I also want a bit more of it. After all - Yeh dil kab nehi maange more.

One thing that keeps coming to my mind is, a question my friend Ashu used to raise, when we both were spinsters. She used to say, "I cant understand when does your husband's house become your house and your parents house not yours." And we both used to ponder, how does that change come in, how do things change so very dynamically. But I slowly got to realise, things gradually change, but they do change no matter what. As time passes and a woman starts taking ownership of the stuff in her husband's house, when she is in charge of so much there that house gradually grows on her. Its not a phenomenal change which comes up and stands in front of her one fine Monday morning. Its a thing that dawns on her when she moves away I feel. When she steps out, she wonders if the house will be fine without her. You get such doubts only for a house which you own.

In the same vein at the parents place, things start fading. One forgets where the sugar jar used to be, which key is for which lock, which switch was for the night light of the room. Small things which were embedded into memory start fading. Its a pretty unnerving realisation but it happens none the less. And the parents who are always on the worried side, seeing the gem of their eyes who would still be pampered to no end, taking care of so much at another house - I believe it would be a painful feeling for any parent. When I put myself in my parent's and see, I am ok with ordering my kid sis around, but I cannot imagine her running errands for her sister in law - though equation wise we would be on the same platform and have the same rights on her. Its a weird thing, but no matter, that acceptance does not come - I love my sister to no ends and maybe I cant imagine her in laws equating my love. I maybe wrong, but I feel I am human to feel thus.



When we were in school and all and used to read those fancy stuff and write those mark fetching essays about women playing multiple roles et al, it seemed so heroic. But actually living is very challenging and even painful at times. Its like walking a razor thin line. When your heart yearns to be with your parents on one hand, you might be bound by love for your husband. No wonder there are z+1 hindi soaps and movies on the lives of women and the dilemmas they face day in and day out. I seriously wish, they were portrayed in a pertinent light rather than being made a parody of with garish makeups and over the top acting. :(

Phew. I am not sure if any of this made any sense. The crux of all this blabber is - I am going to miss you mom dad and kiddo sissy. Love you tons.

Mixed emotions

The last couple of days have been full of ups and downs. Literally they been like a wave diagram as it used to be in the class VIII Physics text books.

Last Friday, the 27th of Feb, I was all agog to venture on my trip home. Thursday was a bit of a spoiler cos mil had to go sil s place, since she was needed there. I was a bit worried since the duration of her stay out there was unsure, and I was a bit concerned for K, cos without any one to give him his daily grub, he would get very very negligent of his food. And that was the last thing I wanted keeping his busy schedule in mind. But then I was reassured by K again and again, that he would take care of himself and I would do good to take a chill pill and stop worrying about him.

After that lengthy sermon from him, I was rest assured. And I was back in my pepped up spirits on Friday. But then, I happened to loose my cell phone on the way back from the gym. The Sony Ericsson W580i which I loved to hate - that phone worth 10K + , that phone which was nearly indispensable for me slipped somewhere and I lost it. I sobbed my heart out and I was more shaken because I was travelling that very day. I had to coordinate stuff with so many folks, the call taxi, a friend I was planning to meet up that day, the folks I intended to catch up with when I was at Hyd, etc etc. I got on with work as soon as I reached home, got searching signatures of people in emails and took down their numbers and called as many as possible from the landline. I even went and registered a complaint at the local police station, boy I summoned some amount of guts for that.

The onward journey to Hyderbad was very pleasurable since the co passengers of mine were very friendly. One happened to be from Mumbai, one from Gujrat, one from Bihar, one passenger from Haryana, another person from Kerala, I was from Orissa and finally there was a couple from Andhra Pradesh who seemed more like conjoined twins to me ;) So this band of Bharatwasis were on analysing every place of India, lifestyles of different parts, culture, food, politics and anything else that we could think of. After a really long time, I had a pleasurable trip in the train, where we actually were so pally. I will always remember this train trip as one of my most pleasurable ones. And finally Sh hugging me as soon as I alighted at the Secunderabad Railway station made me feel - I have reached the place which I connect with.

That day we did not venture out much, thanks to the enervating heat and I not being able to contact most folks. The day was spent leisurely, making gobi parathas and ginger tea, chatting about home and work, playing agony aunty and my friends being all questions about my new life. It was really humbling to learn, how even after close to a year, my friends still talk about me and kinda miss me. When Sh said, "Amrita has come here but I feel at home now " nearly brought tears in my eyes. And A as usual bore the brunt of Sh and my jokes in her usual sportive self. God bless you both sweethearts and hope your troubles go away Sh. And you both owe me a trip to Chennai.


The next day had my mom and I making a trip to the Chilkur Balaji temple, and preparation of a wholesome Oriya meal for lunch and then off to the airport for the onward trip to Bhubaneswar. Reaching Bhubaneswar, I was happy on one hand to see my folks, but then I was missing Hyd and my friends and was also feeling a bit anxious for K. A whole topsy turvy trip full of mixed emotions :S

This funny feeling

This might end up being a very mushy post and I will end up hating myself for writing this. But then what the heck - this is the only way to get the thoughts out of my system I suppose.

Lately, I have been missing K a lot. Its not like we are in different places but still - its been 4 days since I spoke to him. And no its not because of any fight - its because of work. His work is way too hectic and he has to go through the whole rigmarole of working late nights. So most of our conversations are through the short messaging services. But how much conversation can you make when you have one deadline or the other breathing down your neck. By the time K gets back home which is mostly around 0130 hours yours truly is fast asleep cos I am not at all those pati vrata types who dont eat or sleep till hubby dear returns. My sister calls me a "sleepaholic" and I never trouble my stomach because if it rumbles hell breaks loose. Mornings when I am up around 0600ish, I have to scoot around the house to get the lunches and breakfasts ready. K has time just to scan through the morning newspaper and if he finds anything interesting he brings it to our knowledge. In the meanwhile mil tries to give him an update of what she might have done the previous day. Poor thing, she always has something interesting happening each day and has some tale to tell about how she spent her day ( being a working woman till last year - she finds each day at home different from the other :) ) And she gets hardly 15 minutes with her son. After that done, K scurries out to catch his bus to office and both the women are left with an empty feeling. K is really the sun of the house( not son) - the house revolves around him :)

I understand that he has to work it all out because there were some resource issues in the last couple of years because of which his performance got slackened. And this is the opportunity for him to rise and shine.

Keeping the hectic days in mind, I had planned a small outing just for the 2 of us because we were getting a bunch of holidays in the month of April. But then the scroogy manager of K's did not allow even a days leave - so much so he said, that that time everyone might be needed in office even during the holidays. That miffed me so much that I was all mowed down the whole day through Monday. I even thought of writing a saddy sad post enumerating that feeling, but never got the chance. Then gradually I thought, such things keep happening - he has got to work, rather than making him feel guilty by making a long face, I should try to support him as far as possible.

And day after tomorrow, I am going to my parents place. In the middle I will make a stop at Hyderabad to finish some pending tasks and I will also get to meet my the people I used to stay with there. I will get the chance to meet atleast some of the folks I mentioned here. But still I dont know why I am feeling a bit weird. I am not sure is it because, I will be missing K since after a span of 1 year and 1 month and 8 days, I will actually be away from him? Is it because I have to undertake a travel alone after some 6 trips undertaken last year, all of them with K ? Is it so that I who had had so many journeys all alone is feeling queasy because I had gotten used to him being with me?

I am not sure whats wrong? Why am I so disconcerted? Why am I feeling all jittery? Why am I so restless? Whats this funny feeling?

Unveiling me :)

Tagged by Shalom :) A welcome break because I was not able to think of anything to write.
Here go the rules -
Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged.

1. I love chai biscuit. Love as in really love - I can have it for breakfast, lunch and dinner. There was a time when I was in Kolkatta and ginger tea and 6 milk bikis used to be my breakfast. K used to scold me to no end for the habit and I did look as if I was terminally ill :)

2. My mom is the air that I breathe. She is always right, always. I marvel at her instincts. Being the Cancerian, she can literally sniff people. There have been folks, she has passed judgments about and I being the independent me, have struck to my opinions just to be proven wrong after a long time. For a certain some one it took me a decade to realize, why my mom used to think the way she used to about her!

3. I am conscious of my smile because I feel I have weird teeth :S

4. I am shaped like a pear :(

5. I hate stuffed toys. I just dont know why would someone want to buy those fluffy things and keep them in their drawing rooms! They mar the aesthetic sense of the room and also cause sneezing for a person allergic to dust like me :( The only places where stuff toys look nice are in Archies showrooms and kids playhouses.

6. My bed is sparkling clean - always. Even the ends of the covers are neatly tucked, no stray towels/clothes on it.

7. I always sleep with a book, amrutanjan, cell phone and a handkerchief near me.
Book - cos mostly I read myself to sleep ,
Amrutanjan - the only thing that can stop a sudden nonsensical bout of sneezing
Cell phone - that marvel of man has the alarm
Hanky - again to ward off the sneeze

8. I am a properrrrr Ganesh bhakt. There is no other God I pray to.

9. On the same line - I am spiritual but irreligious. I don't like going to temples, don't like making offerings, don't like keeping mannats etc. It mostly so happens, that I go to a temple and feel a vibe there, which keeps me transfixed. I have tears flowing and I feel the deity's power too strongly. Its then that I pray to the deity. But as such, if any one asks/wants me to go to a temple, I do so very grudgingly :|

10. I adore my sister. Shes like my baby. I pamper her to no ends and I love her immensely too. Mom says there was never an iota of sibling rivalry between the two of us. Just that when she was a toddler, I used to ask for whatever she had in her hands - if it was a pen I would want that, if it was piece of paper I would want the same piece. So my parents used to feign they have got the thing from her, while giving me an altogether new object. Hmpf!

11. I have a love hate relationship with my hair. My hair is curly/wavy and its a tad rough in texture. I so wish I had long straight soft silky dense hair like they show in commercials. I wish I could style my hair as I wished and try the bla bla cuts becoming fads every once in a while. But then I have never ever dared to do anything otherwise to my hair - no coloring, no straightening,no highlighting - no funny business. Cos maybe I like my hair as it is - especially after its been well oiled and shampooed :)

12. I am better off listening in any conversation. I am not a person who likes talking a lot except for with close friends and family. Sometimes I am my chatty self with people, but thats just to not scare them (Booo!) . Once I was at home and minding my own business when my sister in law told me," You should keep making some noise so that we know you are still in the house"

13. I hate guys who speed to show off. I so wish their manliness was taken by a big bad bunch of homosexual rapists. ( Excuse the language, but that is how much I hate them) My house being close to the beach, I see a good bunch of such freaks of nature who speed down the roads as if their dad himself melted the coal tar thats been laid on the road. Once a guy sped so fast, that he rammed into the divider on the road. Imagine what might have happened if another vehicle/pedestrian was coming from the other side.

14. I love reading the newspaper. If any one interrupts me reading the newspaper is bound to find the reticent, recalcitrant best of me. So if I am reading the newspaper - let me be.

15. I love readinggggg (this was easy :) ) Yes I love reading since I was 6 years old I think. My mom, my dad and my moms bro introduced me to the world of books (Seemed like an Oscar winning sentence - Arre not a sentence to win the Oscar, but the ones said after winning the Oscar. :) I thank my brother's sister, my neighbor's garden hose, my car's engine - that sorta sentence :) )
My mom was party to it inadvertently when she used to make us read newspaper headlines when I used to crib " Boreddddd" Later she had to struggle to keep me off novels when I used to hide them in text books and read. Dad ended up enrolling me at Max Mueller Bhawan which housed the biggest library (at Rourkela where I was initially) because he could find no other way to keep me constructively engaged during summer hols) My mom s bro was also in the same town - and he used to be my escort to the lib. He had a huge collection of comics, which fueled my interest for reading even more.

16. I am frank to the extent of being rude. My friend Ashu says "This is my takiya kalam :)"But yes thats a fact - if you expect an opinion from me, be sure you will get your moneys worth :D I call a spade a spade (what else can I call it? :S )

ps. Lately I found a person on my friends list in Orkut having the same words for "about me" ! And she is anything but frank. What has the world come to? :S

17. I am very cool. (Oh boy! this sounds sooooooooo banal rotfl) Half of the world today uses this world to describe itself. But for the lack of anything better - I had to use this much used word. Jokes apart - I am seriously a very cool person ( Seriously and cool in the same sentence - how Oxymoronic ( This reminds me of the movie Oscar in which Sly Stallone says "An ox with a moron is an oxymoron :D ) )
I am rather unfazed under fire. It has to be something earth shattering like I lost my cell phone or something ridiculously silly like my cell phones battery died at 1300 hours - that I would loose my cool. ( From the above sentence one can make out that I am rather attached to my cell phone. Would this count as point 18 Shalom? ) Ashu says we both are so cool that "Isse jyaada cool hote to cold ho jaate" (A classic Ashu PJ :P )

18. I am from the eastern part of India and I am married to a person from a quintessential Tamil family. How did this happen? - fate.

19. I like writing. Not only as in blogs etc, generally also I like writing - I write when I study something, I write to dos, I write expenses, I love writing.

20. Kolkatta is a place where I stayed the longest in my professional career and hated every bit of it. Hyderabad is the place where I stayed the shortest and loved every piece.

21. I am more into macho men. Give me those bulging biceps and 6 packs and please hide those clean shaven gore gore chiknas. :D

22. I have been a pretty sickly kid. I have chronic gastritis( which mandates I keep eating something every 4 hours or so else my stomach wrecks havoc) and sinusitis.
Apart from these two, I have always had some or other health related problem. When I was 4 years old, I was badly bitten by a dog and lost my health. When I was in std 8, I was taken seriously ill with malaria - and I had both the strains of virus - falcifarum and vivax. I was so ill that I was admitted to the Critical Care Unit and was on intravenous quinine for 10 days!
Apart from these, I am done with chicken pox and measles.

23. I am veryyyyyyyyyyyyyy impatient. In Hindi there is a usage, sabr ka baand tootna meaning, the dam of patience giving way. But I never had any dam. I just have a small katori of patience :(

24. I believe I am good at multi tasking. I can roll chapattis and have tea, chat and work, blog and talk over the phone, watch tv and chop vegetables, and multi task a plethora of other activities. The only 2 things I dont multi task are - read and listen and use the cell phone while crossing the road.

25. I am a perfume person. I love splashing myself with fragrances. In fact I have layers of them - the frangrant body wash, followed by the fragrant lotion, followed by the fragrant deo then the fragrant perfume - Howzzat? One class mate had written in my slam book during graduation - you smell like Egyptian mummies :S

Fact 26 - I wrote this post at a go. And had one hellova fun writing this. Made me think so much about myself, remembering some facts, mulling over whether to put something or not and thinking hard to put it all down. And I have written the whole of it in my rambling self. :) When I started it seemed unsurmountable, but then at the end of it I go on till 30 :D
Thanks for tagging again Shalom and I love doing tags ( fact 27?? :-? )

Now the people who have to get on their thinking caps *evil*
Shylu, Satish, Raaji,Piper,Ashma and Amrita