Tears

They don’t seem to stop some times. In spite of all my attempts, there are times when my lachrymal glands are just not under my control. The tears just roll on and on as if there is no tomorrow.

When I have such pangs, I literally clutch my heart, lest I choke myself. There is an upheaval within me which if I don’t let out, threatens to suffocate me. I feel shrouded with grief. I feel I will never be able to come out of the envelope of sorrow. I beseech the heavens to relieve me of the pain. I think of brighter times so that I can feel better. Sometimes in a masochistic stint, I scratch the wound even more. I try to prod the cause of distress and cry it all out, so that my eyes are dried of the tears.

But no. Nothing works.

With my will failing me, I just let the tears roll on.

Oblivious to surroundings, unconcerned about what people might think – I just cry. I have cried unabashedly on the benches in a teeming mall. I have cried inconsolably in the departure lounges of airports. I have cried with reckless abandon in public transports, telephone booths (prior to the age of cell phones); eat outs and many other places under full public glare. I am not a person who is comfortable displaying her emotions and would prefer to drench my pillow rather than create a scene. But some times in spite of myself, I have had such uncomfortable instances, where I seem to be under free fall under the influence of the feeling of despair.

Generally after this emotional catharsis I feel drained.

The analysis of the events that lead to ‘pain causing situation’ wrecks me.

Insignificant things keep reminding of what went wrong, or how things might have been.

I fall into a reverie and feel a stir of distress at ubiquitous sights and sounds and smells. The heart inundated with pain, takes time to see the sunshine over the horizon.

I pray to God, after each such episode not to make me pass through such trauma again. But then… life’s sky is not always azure…

Comments

you know what i think?

I think you are just blessed.

Crying is sometimes a blessing. you don't want to be among those who try to cry but they cant. Who try to tell but they can't. Who try to share but it doesn't happen. Sometimes, i wish my emotions take over and i can cry- Cry all my pains out but i can't and on those rare occasions when i am finally able to cry, i really feel better afterwards.
i don't think crying is something to be ashamed of. At least, it tells me that you have emotions, which are seldom found in todays world.
zazafeefus said…
i agree with raaji..

and sometimes if you just let the tears flow without giving much thought as to where you are etc, you tend to feel better. lifes sky isnt always azure, but if it was azure all the time - u wudnt be what you are, its a learning experience? blue skies split open into thunderstorms. and the more thunderstorms we face, the stronger we become..
preetilata said…
truely i felt nice aftr reading this beautiful composition of urs.. emotions r n imprtnt part of human nature n so is crying..so love ur tears..they 2 need love n attentn..but just 1 thing more..face d challenges of ur life vid a brave heart.. tk cr fren.. :)
Anonymous said…
it's nothing to feel guilty of.some hv better control of their emotions & some not but we all cry whether in public or pvt.had this gland been not there then there would hv been 100 times more cases of heart attack.didn't indira gandhi cry when her son died,she did but in private.we boyz too cry but as this isn't thought of a macho thing we do in pvt.see film of rahul bose & u will understand.but you lose the sympathy when you overdo it.by the way when a girl cries in public instead of giving shoulders i run away before people give murderous looks & think i hv betrayed her & i am the would be father ha ha ha.i am ur frnds frnd.i saw ur profile on orkut.
sid's zest for life

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