A near perfect wedding

The D day came with a lot of anxiety. The auspicious time for the wedding was set at 1400 which has gave us ample time to get ready. The information that the strike would reduce in its impact after noon also made the possibility of a trouble free wedding more prominent. Lichie was to be ferried to the beauty parlor for her bridal makeup. Under normal circumstances she would have been royally taken in a car. Even I was supposed to get a 'party' makeup. But papa had to take her in his bike avoiding the main roads. There were some ruffians who stopped and cross questioned him when he was returning. But he managed to get home safely. This made my travel a bit of an additional risk. So I gave the beauty treatment a miss :( 

The coordination of cooking, the groom's procession, the bringing of Lichie back to the venue, all were done in a bit of a round about way since the main roads and four wheelers needed avoiding. Everything took longer to get done. But everything got done and got done to near perfection.

No function of the scale of an Indian wedding can be without its disappointments and issues. In fact more than the good parts we tend to discuss what went wrong. On the wedding day in the midst of the wedding rituals there was a sudden need of a yellow saree. Mummy had to go home and get it urgently. The priest painted a picture as if the wedding would not proceed without one. But  he carried on as normal and mummy missed a very important ritual of 'inviting the groom'. The yellow saree and never used and mummy missed her last chance at doing an important ritual. She still rues the fact.

After the wedding since it was getting late, there was no time for photo op of close family with the newly weds. 

But the most disappointing was another incident. Lichie's in laws hosted a gathering two days after the wedding. It was close 7 hours road trip. We started in the right earnest. But a few minutes on Pumpki started getting car sick. She was sick a couple of times and then drifted off to sleep. Then Chiyaa got sick too! She was sick two to three times. Then they started taking turns and within 1.5 hours journey they had vomitted around 5 times each. Mummy thought it was not wise for us to continue since the children would get dehydrated and famished and asked for another vehicle which would ferry us home. She and papa continued since Lichie would be waiting for them. We were all miserable. Both K and I were eager to make the trip and had spent hours deciding clothes and ironing them. Lichie was eager to meet us and mummy and papa felt very bad at leaving us with the poorly kids. At home I tried researching means to get to Lichie's place by train. But it seemed too tedious. I was advised against it since the journey and return would really put  a strain on us. We had a perfect staycation at home. I have not been a lot in our Bhubaneswar house since the year we moved in to it after construction was when I moved to my hostel for graduation studies. So being in the house, taking care of the locking and water and lil nuances was a very different feeling. 

With the gathering at Lichie's in laws drawing to a close  wedding was officially over. I was not looking forward to the return. 

Getting home

My sister's marriage was something like an imaginary longitude in our family's timeline. Papa said he would come to the UK to visit us 'once Lichie got married'. My parents had plans with investments and places to visit 'once she got married'. I used to look at stuff in shops and say to myself 'I will get this for Lichie 's wedding'. One time mummy, the kids and I were walking through the markets and there was a street artist playing music. Chiyaa started dancing. Mummy said ' I hope to see them dancing like this for Lichie 's wedding'. I think I have made it amply clear how much we were looking forward to it. We hoped and prayed for the event. 

Once the alliance was fixed, we could not wait to make the trip to India. As I said in my earlier posts, we kind of defined everything as 'before India trip' and 'after India trip'. I had no interest in working and strangely neither did K. I kept thinking what would the kids wear for this occasion and that. My wardrobe was totally sorted by mummy and sis - more by my sister - every detail considered including makeup and accessories. Mummy had also laboriously worked on the children's dresses and stitched them herself. But she wasn't sure of the measurements and hence I had to get some backup dresses for them. K's attire was again taken care of by sissy. 

We packed carefully considering we had two young kids and a very long journey. We had a transit of 4 hours in Abu Dhabi. Then a domestic flight from Delhi to Bhubaneswar after a halt of 4 hours. We had anticipated that 4 hours would be adequate to finish immigration, claim baggage and rush for the next check in. But Republic Day celebrations played spoil sport. Our domestic  flight was advanced by 3 hours which would have made catching the connecting to Bhubaneswar impossible. The next flight was after 10 hours. We had no other way but to reschedule. Since it was a very long wait, again we were left with no option but to book a day's stay in the airport hotel. 

Thankfully we came to know this information a week in advance which made planning easier. The day we were to reach Bhubaneswar was the day of our 10th marriage anniversary. Mummy had kept a prayer at home since she had to offered to do so once Lichie's marriage was finalised. It was a coincidence that the prayer and the anniversary were on the same day though it made sense later. Now with us having to catch a later flight, we would not be in a position to attend the prayer. We spent the day of our 10th marriage anniversary in an airport hotel. 10 months ago I was planning an elaborate trip to mark a decade of wedded ... coexistence. Once K was out of job, I totally ditched that plan. He got his job and Lichie got hitched at the exact same time. So I looked forward to a grand family get together to mark the event. A week to the date and how luck played it's trick. We were to spend the day in a hotel.

We tried to pep ourselves by saying that we would visit places around. We had nearly 10+ hours of wait which would be adequate to step out to nearby Dwaraka. But on the day, we were beat. We reached the hotel and Pumpki and I were the first to hit the snooze button. K and Chiyaa had plans for the complimentary breakfast but a 30 mins wait proved too much for tired eyes. They too slept off. 5 hours later we woke up rejuvenated. Had an elaborate photo session in the hotel lobby and then made our way to the boarding gates. 

The mandatory rest did well for us. We were pepped up. Reaching Bhubaneswar after close to 36 hours seemed - well I dont have words. I can't express it. It's not like I am filled with jubilation. It's not like I get all emotional and exalted. I think the word is content. It's the same feeling as sitting down after standing for a long time. It's the same feeling as just closing the tired eyes for a minute. It's just feels good.

Hope is a good thing

There are many  things one hopes for. As a child I hoped to do well in my 10th and engineering entrance exams and get a job at the end of graduation. These were pretty deterministic dreams with a lot depending on ones efforts to study and do well. 

As an adult I remember in the recent past hoping for a child. When we decided to have kids, every month was on tenterhooks. We hoped to be surprised and even a couple of months' wait seemed long and had us rushing to the doctors. When we were assured there was  ' nothing wrong' and 'these things take time' we hoped. Again the hope had scientific backing and there was nothing to panic. 

When K was searching for his new job last year, that was another phase of cautious hope fulness. We hoped he got a job soon. The failures disappointed us, but again we were hopeful that as he prepared and gave each interview with increasing confidence, it would be a matter of time. 

There was another thing  that I have hoped for a very long time. That my sister finds a life partner. Someone who would share her feelings and emotions and be a partner in the true sense of the term. This has been the most non-deterministic and the most fatalistic wish of all. Finding someone to spend an entire life time is daunting. Add to this our Indian culture which heavily involves parents, clans,.celestial bodies, 33 million or something dieties of the pantheon and most crucial the two people getting hitched - and you have a perfectly randomised lottery system. 

I chose the person I had to marry ( I do not call marriages as love or arranged - cos all marriage have love and all marriages are arranged). Though it eliminated some variables it had a fair share of maneuvering. My sister had not found anyone she liked. So the onus came on my parents. Well meaning relatives, family friends, neighbours - the usual suspects came with prospective alliances. That did not work out. Though we are a very scientific family we had to accommodate "horror scope" matching if the other party were insistent on it. Some alliances fell through these cracks. Other times there were more tangible and rational reasons - educational qualifications not matching up, employment of one which might force the other to quit or relocate which might not be easy, sometimes physical attributes like weight, height, hair ( yeah important things them!) while at other times the would be "partners" did not like each other. Time went on. There was a steady flow of proposals and rejections. Scarcely did we realise that it had been nearly 5 years in our unsuccessful search.

We tried the Internet  route. The newspaper route. There was a trickle. But no success. In the midst I had my two kids. Mom had to leave papa and sis to support me whenever the need arose. She was super pragmatic about it. She could not magic a marriage by just being around. She rather do something tangible. Last time when I went to India, I could see the desperation in my parents. Though Papa is a hugely scientific person, I saw him adhering to some advice from well meaning people  and doing temple trips on on some days. Desperate times! We kept hoping. We took solace in words like ' she would definitely get married', ' she would find someone great who is destined for her ',' she would get someone by the end of such and such time' and so on. We hoped. I am an optimist. I hoped for the event one day. But this was not a deterministic algorithm. There were too many variables. Too many unknowns. Too many possibilities. Too many vagaries. Bad things happen to good people too. What if it was not a happily ever after for my baby sister?

Forced and frustrated many times I tried to convince her for alliances she did not have her heart into. I gave arguments like 'it's all an adjustment game end of the day', ' nothing really matters' and many such abominable platitudes. Acquaintances  gave examples of girls who had gone for one criteria over another  and having a failed marriage. There were snide comments that there was not enough 'effort' on our part to get her wedded. My parents were not compromising. But there were moments of frustration on their part too. It did not help that all her batch mates were married. It definitely did not help that cousins younger than her were getting married. But what could one do?

One could hope. 

Mummy was totally dismissive when an alliance came and the mother of the boy said that the horoscopes had matched. *rolls eyes* Mummy was starting to UK in a day and gave the lady my sister's number. There had been many such calls and it was something like a business as usual step. Mummy started to the UK and one fine day I tried calling my sister and her number was engaged for a very long time. She later said that she had been talking to the guy. I gingerly asked how did go. To which her reply was ' as usual.' They had decided to meet over the next few weeks. She had had many such interactions. There was no reason to get our hopes up. After  a couple of weeks when the boy's mom called saying that he really liked my sister - it was not a big surprise. There had been such instances before. The surprise was my sister had called a few minutes prior stating that she was OK to proceed with the alliance. Thus, the people who really were needed to make the decision had made the choice. 

There were no parental pressures, no brain washing, no coercion. The adults had chosen. In fact the developments were so stunning that it seemed to be happening to someone else. All the sooth sayers' words, all those horror stories, all the happily ever after stories - nothing made sense. It was all a rumble. What shone to me was the WhatsApp status message my sister had kept for a very long time ' have a little faith'. 

Register thy marriage

Yesterday we had gone to register our marriage, a formality to be completed within a year of wedding.

We had the form nicely filled. I had in fact filled it in my neatest bestest all caps handwriting. We had double checked it and taken utmost care to fill it as if our life depended on it. We went to the main window, which had a Lady Don sitting on her golden throne. She had a good thick glass wall shielding her from the spit of the people who come to (beg/appeal/scream/scold/sob ) get their land or marriage regsitered. She gave us a cursory glance as if asking, hmmm Now I have to dirty my hands for these commoners.

She so much as just scanned the application form and pat came her review comments:-

• Put parents age for both bride and groom in the form
• Put parents profession for both bride and groom.

Now, after filling in the whole family saga of both K and I there was hardly space to write anything else. But then, a command is a command, especially coming from a government official. So we some how cringed the ages and professions of both peoples. I think the paper just extended a bit because we were actually able to fill in both nicely.

First change request successfully added.

We gingerly approached the client again. Ahem said Lady Don, give proofs. I was like :O Is it this easy!? I expected she will make us dance salsa before assenting. Then she checked the proofs. My passport was issued to me long ago when I was doing my graduation, so it had my hostel address. Now her demand was, the address I had put for myself in the application form was supposed to be that address. We looked at each other and at the 3 witnesses we had asked to assemble (one being mom in law and 2 family friends ) Then Lady Don calmly said - get a new form.

Wokay .. :| We got a new form and filled the whole Ramayana yet again. This time K had the honours. She had also asked to give in the initials for all the names in the form, the initial signifying the parents name of the person. So I was B. Amrita since my dads name starts with B and similarly every single persons name there, mine, my parents', K's, his parents', every ones name got an extra letter. Weird? You bet. This is called Tamilicization of names :S :(

Whole 999 yards covered again, we went to her - on tenterhooks. She looked. Same look of utter disgust and contempt on her face. Looked at us and said -go to the registrar and get the signature.

Now registrar happened to be a rolly polly man with a lot of chandan on his forehead, seated with atleast 5 idols looking over him. Quite a contrast to Lady Don who was cold and sardonic. He placed his signatures on all the documents while asking under his breath - hope you guys have submitted all the proofs. We said yes in unison. Then his eyes fell on the invitation. He said BHUBANESWAR!??? Who is from Bhubaneswar? Looked at K and asks Neenga? (Means you with respect in Tamil) K said no and said she. But Gollu Pollu chose not to hear that and ask ed me Neenga? I nodded yes.(I thought, if not me then who else MAN? K does nt have a doosri biwi! ) Then he said oh Bhubaneswar has a veryyyyyyyyyyyyyy famous temple. I suggested Lingaraj? He chose not to hear it( Gollu had a mind of his own, and was very choosy in what is important enough to get his ears! ) Then K helped Puri? Jagannath? Gollu Pollu lept from his chair - YESSSS YESSss Yess. I was like - Hello!!! Puri is a good 3 hours journey from Bhubaneswar and a separate city - but if you want to club them together go ahead - but get our marriage certi done :S . Then Gollu Pollu said Very good! Long Live. You are from that place!

I was like ahem thanks ... Long live the King who built the temple and thanks Jagannath - you saved the day :)

2 Weddings and Cherrie :)

Some time back I wrote a post on one of my friends doing a groom hunting. Shes finally landed up with her match. Well I cant say he satisfies all the business and functional requirements. But my friend chose him. Despite a lot of questions she boiled down on him. Even when she had to go to meet him, she was very pissed off, as she had a lot of qualms about his career streak. Since he had attempted getting into business after completing his graduation which in due course did not work out fine, his actual work experience add up to be less than hers. This made her a bit jittery initially.

But then, marriages are made in heaven as it is said(and the price is borne on earth ;) )So with a lot of questions in heart she went ahead with the alliance. After the match was fixed, the usual rigmarole of late night phone calls, thinking of gifts for each other etc etc started. But at times my friend used to pop up the most unusual questions to me - "Have I done the correct thing?" "Every one asks me I should feel something different and special, but I don't. Is that OK?" "I think I wanted some one smarter - many a times he does not understand my jokes/satire/comments." To all this, I reply "Hang on dear you will be happy with him".

After a point I started getting amused with her questions. Sometimes she would be like, he talks a lot yaar, I hope I don't get bored with him (What a quintessential Indian girl I would say, who has thoughts of getting bored with her husband. :| ) I feel like an old granny even though I have been married for 4 months only. And I think Bachchu shaadi kar le, fir baat karte hain :D

Somethings are not answered before one actually starts living that life. But it is hilarious to hear all the questions from her. I am not sure if I too pestered her with a question bank :)

At the same time, another very close friend of mine is also getting married. And she is a different specimen altogether. She too had a lot of apprehensions from the word go. Initially she used to take the whole alliance as a compromise only. But slowly when she started to get to know the person, a lot of her perception changed for the better.Her fiance too talks a lot(I think its a myth that girls are more loquacious), and sometimes she tells me"Radio ki tarah bajta rehta hai band hi nehi hota" Now this is a slap on the face of the creative directors of the Airtel ads where Ms Vidya Na-real Balan huskily reprimands Maddy for having called her 8 times. Here this my friend, has laid a curfew on the number of smses he can send and the duration for which they should talk. Earlier they used to talk from 1700 hours till 2100 hours and send smses till late at night. But then she realised, they never had anything concrete to talk, but would just while away their time. And sometimes just hanging on to each other for the heck of it, used to lead to frequent fights which she wanted to avoid.

My friends are shattering all ideas of lovey dovey couples snuggling with the cell phones till the wee hours of the morning. Even I never used to talk for long hours because K was a stickler to the rule of getting at least 8 hours of sleep. At that time I thought I was an aberration. But I think I have a lot of like minded people around me :)

I wish I could clairvoyance to know what your futures look like. But I am sure you both will make the best of the lives that you have chosen. You will over come the fears and uncertainties and forge relationships of a lifetime with your partners. And while you enjoy your courtship period, I have to figure out what to gift you both on your D days :(

Newbie's experiences

Been 7 and a half years since I left home. Since then have been a hostel boarder or put up in apartments with friends.
I moved to Chennai to be with my husband and family. I have not got that solid family feeling. But thats what is technically correct I believe.
Its not a major change. I know the people. I know the person I am married to. They are a pretty chilled out gang. No overt restrictions.

But still then I feel like a guest. I feel a bit hesitant calling over a friend to stay at my place, because I myself don't have the settled feeling yet.

And all the while that I am having at idyllic time at home (I am yet to join my new office) I keep getting seconds thoughts. I keep wondering is it too early to get into family mode? Did I hurry into the decision of getting back to family? I was blissfully with out any responsibility and having fun with friends. I could have continued having those times still. But when I ask any one they say, whats the point in delaying the ultimate? You have to be with them finally, whats the point in delaying the obvious?
Another thought that saddens me is the memory of my room mates and my friends in Hyderabad. I have a knack of keeping people around me busy. I will pull them for chatting, for shopping, for a movie or some activity or the other. I am also some one who is most of the time game for accompanying a person on an errand or a trip to some place. Before I left Hyderabad, my flat mates told me they will miss me a lot. And after coming here I keep thinking what they might be upto. I imagine my roomie having breakfast alone, usually we had it together no matter what. I shared a special bond with her. One with out words. One of unsaid emotions. We just understood each other. We were very comfortable in each others company. I don t remember a single instance when I was irritated, pissed off or angry at her. It was a smooth relationship with no one explicitly singing the other s praise. And now shes missing me a lot. Yesterday when she called and said it felt weird to be coming back to a room with out me. And she said, our relationship was so much one to one that may be no one else would understand. Yes roomie dear no one would understand.

Am still slowly transitioning into a new life. I feel as if I am going to an unknown destination.

Married and back

I was off from blogging for a good three weeks. And I have spent the last 3 hours reading blogs. And boy! Aint I tired. And I am itching to write my own.

The three week long vacation for my wedding went at its own pace, and had me traveling a lot.

The D day passed. And before I knew it it was all over.

We had our share of miscalculations and goof ups in the arrangements.

But what I remember more of the whole affair is the small small arrangements that mom sis and I had to make in the last week to the D day.

I had to visit loads of relatives, do quite a lot of last minute shopping, make arrangements for pick ups drops etc.

Now that its all over, I miss the run up.

I vividly remember, the hectic and near lunatic shopping we did. We had started shopping some 4 months prior to wedding still we had so many last minute purchases. We used to be for solid 7-8 hours on our feet going from one shop to the other and making the purchases. The long drawn discussions with all the relatives being roped in. Dad would be furious at the burgeoning telephone bills. But with 3 women in the house, he had little say over them.

Now it all seems to have gone in a black hole. All the frantic preparations, the sweat and the toil, all for one day which is over.

Ironical right.

Some days prior to my wedding I had read a piece in the Times of India stating the importance of the journey rather than the destination.

And the words of that article seem to have stayed on with me. Seriously, we spend so much time preparing for an important event, for an exam, for an occasion, and 8- 10 hours decide on all the labor put in for days on end. We should make it a point to enjoy the journey, cos thats most important.

Post marriage there was absolutely no change in me or K. It struck me as weird to see my sis in law and her husband behaving like lovey dovey couples and holding hands even after a year an a half of marriage. But K and I were behaving just ordinary. One of my uncles remarked, look at the both of you, you are walking around as if you don't know each other. I am not sure whether it is because both of us are absolute duds at being romantic or we both are very very averse to any kind of Public Display of Affection.

Today on the flight back to Hyds, and I came face to face with one of the changes. The ticket said Mrs. Amrita. Really feels a heavy tag to wear.

And when I am talking to some one and they refer to K as "your husband" it takes some time for me to realize our relationship status has changed.

And in office, one of my female married colleagues asked me how did I feel in my new home. (Btw I am back at Hyd while K s gonna continue at Chn) I told, did not get the feel so much. But I am missing home for sure.

Then she was like thats the predicament dear. Till now I miss my mom though I have been married for 3 years. Though I stay with my husband, my heart yearns for my mom and dad.

:( Sad

Serliously some how, Next birth I would love to be a guy. Some things never change for a girl I guess. Well there are quite a few things that are unsettled as of now. And the sense of being "married" is yet to sink in.

I hope and pray things don't change and most importantly I never change.

One of my friends had said, being married is the true test of ones friendship.

That one relationship brings so many changes that all past relations fade out.And till now I have never given up on a friend. I hope the marriage does not change it. The trait of K that endeared him to me most was his acceptance of my other friends without an iota of jealousy. I hope I remain as reachable and approachable to alllllllll my friends as I have been till date and dont go into some other "orbit" (as a friend of mine has predicted).

As of now I am back to normal self. Status Quo Prevails.

PS: And thats the man I got married to.

D day and nonchalance

Its my wedding in 15 more days.

And the strange fact is I am feeling completely numb towards it.

I can feel how busy my mom and dad are with all the preps back at my home.

But strangely I am having none of the “princess for one day”, “the D day” etc etc feeling.

I have seen friends around me going all hyper towards their wedding preparations. They plan everything to the very last details. Yeah my thing is also pretty planned. But most of it is being handled by my parents cos I aint big enuff to do all those stuff :-D

Jokes apart, some how the close ness of the day does nt arouse any feelings in me. Nor does it make me nervous. I feel it’s a day which has been touted a lot and which will pass.

Something like 18^th November.

Since the last week of October I was waiting for the 3^rd Sunday of November. Cos that was CAT day. An exam I loved and respected a lot and wanted to crack big time. I used to get butterflies in my stomach thinking of that Sunday. God knows how many times I rehearsed how that day would be.

One scenario would be me sitting in the hall not able to answer much and feeling dazed. Then the next moment there would be another of me coming out of the exam hall feeling all triumphant and relaxed and then going off for a movie. Yet another bout of wishful thinking would make me imagine myself all bored through the evening as happens after any important exam.

And all the while when any one would ask me in November, are you feeling excited etc for the wedding I would say “No.. Not exactly”. I thought it was primarily because CAT was over powering me. It was the imminent clear and present danger which needed the alacrity of all my senses.

But then CAT is over and done ( Now its result time I know :- (

And still if any one asks me “So the D day is close eh? How do ya feel?” I say “Hmmm well nothing much :- | “

I aint sure why it is so.

I would love to feel all gaga that I am gonna get married and all.

But I am not.

I tried to analyse what mite be the reasons.

Its none of the predictable reasons like I am afraid to loose my independence or I am scared of the responsibilities that I would need to shoulder now( frankly speaking I am too fiercely independent to give it up and I am mature enuff to shoulder my share of responsibilities and delegate the rest :-D

The nagging feeling still remains – that why am I not feeling all agog. :- (

I think next Saturday when I go home (it starts my 3 week long vacation for the wedding) I might start getting all enthu since then I will be in the thick of activities.

Hoping for that.