Friday, May 28, 2010

The words that sum up beautifully what I want to write

This song is my all time favorite! One of the rare occassions where I prefer the movie version than Eric Segal's Man Woman and Child.

The lyrics loosely translate like this

I am not angry with you life, I am just surprised
Your innocent questions distress me

I never thought that to live, I would have to take care of sorrows
I never thought that everytime I smile, I would have to repay the favour of the smiling
Now everytime there is a smile on my lips, I feel as if there is a debt on my lips

Life, your sorrows have taught me new relationships
Sometimes I have got the respite of shade under scorching sun

If today the eyes well up, the tears will flow through
Tomorrow, maybe I will not even have the tears to shed
I had kept one tear, but am not sure where did I let it flow

(The translation is to the best of my auditory perception and Hindi knowledge. Any mistakes may please be pointed out :)  )

The doldrums do not seem to end, hoping God gives me strength and the patience to go through this. For.... this too shall pass :)

Thursday, May 27, 2010

The sinner is back again

I would rot in hell for the sins I commit :( God Bless my soul :S

No this time around apart from the usual gluttunous streak, I committed the other sin of SLOTH. Yes, yours truly spent more hours being horizontal than being vertical. The very next day of my landing in Bbsr had me travel to my granny's place, which is customary. After spending the weekend there, I had the Monday all by myself. And guess what I did - I slept. Yes just plain and simple spent it sleeping. I had hit the bed the previous day at around 0030 hours and was up at 0830 in the morning. I saw my sissy off to office and then put on the air conditioner at a lovely 24 degrees Celsius and by 1030 hours, I was in sleep's arms. I woke aroung 1430 and then had the lunch and by 1530, guess what, I was sleeping again. This routine continued for nearly 4 days! I was myself amazed at how much I could sleep. But I simply love sleeping, and my mom was  of the opinion I had lost weight (ahem ahem, moms and their eyes). I am bloating like a toad on a rampage :(   and mom wanted me to get all the (ahem ahem ) rest!!

The week did have me doing some office work at tight schedules, during the evening hours, more because I was sleeping throughout the mornings. The next week, I was more human in my sleep durations. And was slowly limping to normalcy. But then the Thursday of the week had K throw a bomb at me. Without divulging the ugly details, I would say, it had me spend 4 utterly sleepless, tear soaked nights (sniff, sniff) To make that up, after the fourth day I was back sleeping like a log, all the time :D The time bomb that K dropped is still ticking and we are still waiting on the casualities, but till then.... Mujhe mat roko mujhe sone do :D

Well "The Mask" always asked for somebody to stop him, but here I am and something is stopping me from going back to Chennai and leading a normal life with normal sleep. First I had the tickets cancelled due to Madame Laila, who made an announcement with much pomp and glory, but was a damp squib. Then the AI officials chose to go on a "flash strike". And I ended up having an extended holiday in Bbsr. I had to run helter skelter to get the alternative arrangements, cos it was imperative to be in office on the 31st. After a lot of scurrying around, I finally paid through my teeth and managed a return flight ticket for Sunday. Now that the worry is over.... lemme zzzzzzzzzzzz again :)

Friday, May 21, 2010

In sync

I think I have written it on the wall how much I adore my beautiful mom! Not only I adhere to a lot she says, I also relate to her a lot. 

She and I are married to men who share the same birthdays so temperamentally they are very very alike. We both endure the same kinda situations cos of the men in our lives. Its the same kind of reasoning that works with them, its the same kind of pampering that works with them and its the same kind of scolding that again works with them. I always thought I could handle someone like dad very easily because I was the one who handled him best in the family. But then handling someone like a daughter and handling someone as a husband is an entirely different ball game. So now I can understand how my mom would have been tempted to put a gun on dad's temple and make him acquiesce to certain decisions. Or why she would go completely ballistic on some issues when my dad would be blissfully drowned in the editorials of some newspaper. She was always the one who knew the pulse of the any scenario while my dad was the one who preferred taking the path of least resistance. I have increasingly felt that K and my machinery also works the same way as it does for my mom and dad. With this I have begun to identify even more with my mom.

We also share the same moonsign! We kind of go through the same phases during the same times. Now, as I am in a proper limbo with respect to my career and personal dimension, exact same is the situation with my mom. Her personal side is taken care of, cos more or less everyone is settled (Touchwood) but her professional one is in doldrums. Ever since I came down to Bhubaneswar, we have spent hours on end speaking to each other. We would sit with glasses of the most delicious coffee and go on discussing stuff. Its really wonderful and enlightening talking to her. Sometimes shes the real expert who gives the most deft suggestions. At other times shes like a girl herself aye ayeing to whatever I suggest. There is absolutely no generation gap between the two of us.  Maybe she thinks too ahead of her times or I am with old age thoughts :) -- any which ways neither of us is complaining. How time flies with both  of us just lazying on the balcony and talking about all the things under the sun simply amazes me. 

I still remember a day I came back complaining from school, "I don't have any friends." I am not sure what led to me proclaiming that, but I remember making that announcement. And my mom took me into her arms and said, "Come on I am your best friend. Who said you do not have any friends?" No matter how I have moved and where I have moved, I think this remains the same still. There have been times when I have completely thought poles opposite to her, when I have defied her (and believe me every single time I have repented it, no matter how absurdddd her idea might have seemed to start with) and when I argued with her till the last tooth :D , she has been the one I have returned to always.  Mummy - you are the best!

PS. I am not sure what made me write this post, maybe the realisation yet again of the extent to which she still plays a vital role in shaping me every day.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I cant even think a suitable title!

I guess I am really, badly out of touch with blogging. Cos earlier when I got down to write anything, the first thing I would have in mind was the title of the post. Now after this span of inactivity, I am not even able to reach a good title to the post! Huh! How pathetic is that!

I would not say I took a break from blogging, because a break is timed and with a purpose. I just could not compose myself for blogging. Every single time I sat down to write anything, I used to be a scatter brain. Too many thoughts, too many worries, too many choices, too many dilemmas kept me too fickle. There were things going haywire in office, with there being work pressure plus some people pressure too. Things were very far from perfect on the home front too. And with K being away, I was a literal zombie. Yea, I did have my traditional vent in the form of my mom ( God Bless her!! Shes been my guiding angel carrying me through the troubled waters with her incessant support) But then keeping things from K ended up in me off loading it to him at the wrongest of times and the whole nine yards of being upset and patching up.

To make matters worse, I was getting choices, especially on the work front which were driving me against the wall. Some were such, they would meet my near term goals in a jiffy and make me reach cloud nine, but in the long run, my family commitments would go for a toss. There were others, which entailed a lot of hard work initially but would cut out my long term aspirations like a charm. There would be nights on end, when I used to cry myself to sleep, not seeing any end of any of the problems. There were days when some prospect would make me go mad with glee thinking, ah! finally I reached the end of it all. Fending all this without K near me, was simply not my cup of tea. I so so so many times thought of writing this or that out here. Or at least declaring I am off on a break. But then, a break was not my idea at all. I was rather on a roller coaster ride and never took the time to compose myself. It was being like ping pong ball, getting beaten up both at professional and personal life. What cant be cured must be endured, so there I was swallowing what ever came my way.

I do not want to sound like a martyr here, nor want to loll in self pity. Tough times come up on any one and everyone. A saying goes, "You never get anything before time, you never get anything more than destined" I had no other go but to wait for the time to get whatever was destined. I know the time has not yet come, nor has my prize been etched out for me yet. The only thing I was supposed to do was wait patiently. (IMPATIENCE is my middle name - waiting quietly is a toughie for me) I used to see people who were having completely different genres of problems and used to think, thank God, I dont have that on me. And I had the wonderful support of my friends, Ashu( You have handled me superbly, I have divulged my life to the tiniest granule to you, and your earnest help is something I am grateful to and will remain forever!) , roomie dear (The positive vibe that swells from you, sweeps me over and keeps me pepped up like a cuppa ginger tea! :D ) and one of K's friend who really took care of me like family. My mom was forever the Pole Star :) and then there was a cute set of colleagues who actually poured a lot of shimmer into moribund work! I cannot thank you guys enough, and I know you dont read my blogs :) but A, D and S, thanks for unknowingly being the help you were.....

Boy, this is sounding like an Oscar speech :S Yieeeeksss.... Did anyone fall asleep?? I was waiting for the month of May to make a trip to my recharge zone - Bhubaneswar. So here I was 2 days preceeding my sister's birthday with wonderful gifts for her, mom ( for momma s day) and dad ( he will be senior citizen July this year!). And yes though I am still worrying, I am in the midst of all the dilemmas ( I think I keep getting one per day) , the choices are still looming (I live by the Matrix Mantra that the power to choose is just an illusion but then when you get a choice, you feel as if you to exercise your right :( ) ... but I am in my ultimate comfort zone where no one judges me, where I don't measure what I say, when I am quintessentially just Me. And I am loving it :) So here I am in the lighted phase of the tunnel, garnering my resources for I am not sure whats up at the next bend on the road :S . So help me God.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Here I am

Thank you all for keeping me in your thoughts. Life was topsy turvy to say the least for the past 2 months. And I am not sure if I was liking the chaos or fighting it. Now as I see light at the end of the tunnel, well maybe.... I will be back with a long post in a short while.