Its taking a while

 Its been over a week, still the weirdness hasn't gone. We have been through a week of school and work. We have done the usual additional activities over the weekends. We are planning walks over the upcoming sunny days. There is a placid flow of routine. The IPL season has added some excitement to the evenings. The mowing of lawn, the garden benches being out, the clothes being put out for drying - all these activities are something that fill us with joy. We look forward to enjoying the spring and the lengthening of days there of. But this year it seems a bit listless and filled with nothing. It seems a bit empty and mechanical. I am not sure if it is just the hangover of a lovely time in India. Or it is the absence of my parents who have been around for the past 3 years over spring-summer to make the days more fulfilling. Sitting on the outset of the bright months, I am filled with a sense of dread as if autumn was approaching. There seems to be nothing to look forward to. Even booking a trip or planning something seems meaningless. I still look at the time in India and think of my parents, what they would be up to. How the roads would be glistening in the harsh sun and our home would be a little, cool, welcoming shelter. A piece of my heart is still there and it is going to take a while for it to get together.

A tough time but a time together

 The week before last was half term break for the girls. I had my sister and parents at home for the duration. It was full IPL knockout matches time and it was brilliant fun watching the nail biting matches with Papa. We were looking forward to the oh so important match on the Sunday. On Saturday evening we decided to make some rice at night to make the Odia delicacy of pakhala since it was to be a hot day on Sunday. Mummy put the rice in the pressure cooker and it was getting cooked. My sister Lichie was making her dinner. All of a sudden there was an ear splitting noise. We all rushed to the kitchen and realised that the pressure cooker had somehow burst. There was rice all over. The whistle was no where to be found. The over hob extractor had been badly dented. But the lid had managed to hit Lichie on her shoulder. She was bleeding from near her eye brow and her lips. One of her tooth seemed to have been knocked off. There was blood and we had no idea of the extent of damage. The shock was terrible for Lichie and she was hysterical. The kids were afraid and papa mummy were very very worried and upset. We immediately rang the emergency services. We were given an estimated time of 90 minutes for their arrival. In the interim we kept giving cold compress to her.

It had been such a warm and joyful Saturday. We all had enjoyed a lovely spat of gardening. We were watching Harry Potter and The Philosopher's Stone since Pumpki had also finished reading the book. Now we could all enjoy the movie without any spoilers. We were so looking forward to the relaxed movie experience. And we were hit by this bad accident. To distract Lichie we thought it might be good to resume watching the movie after the kitchen had been cleaned up. 

Around 2140  we had the emergency responders. They made an assessment of her and deemed her ok from a health perspective. Her teeth needed attention from the emergency dental services which we were to get in touch with via another channel. We did so and managed to get an appointment for the next day. With the preliminary assessment and the recommended approach to reduce pain we were a bit at ease. She had steam burns and was in terrible pain, but there was nothing but waiting for things to settle down. The appointment with the dentist the next day went ok too and he was able to do a good job of patching up the knocked up tooth. Luckily there was only one tooth that had been impacted. It had broken in the middle and there was a laceration in the gum. It would take time to settle down and it was all a waiting game now. 

With this accident, we had to put on hold some of the travel plans during the half term holiday.  By Thursday when she was a bit settled, we made a trip to a nearby heritage house. It was amazing day spent outside and a welcome break from the tension of recent events. The kids and I mean while were being bothered by a nasty cough over the past 2 weeks. This week it was particularly aggravated. Mummy was rushing and tending to all of us giving us her utmost care to make us better. 

The kids started school last Monday and this week thankfully we are all together getting back in the routine. It was a very tough time and we sort of have a phobia of pressure cookers now. K and I were feeling a bit guilty that this happened in our house with our equipment. But we also dread the situation that it would have happened to the kids or mummy. That is a big nightmare scenario. Thankfully God is taking us to a healing place. Thankfully we were all together during this testing time to support each other. This too shall pass. 😀

Not going well

 This year has not been going great so far. There are far too many issues on the home and work front that keep me quite anxious. They are not earth shattering or life altering things, but just constant, persistent issues and scenarios that make me unhappy. I get head aches. Once awake at night, I find it difficult to get back to sleep. I was talking to a friend and she said, the added pressure to be resilient is not good. So take the chance to be vulnerable. Not sure what might be the right drift of things. Hopefully things pan out better 🤞

Reach for help

 I pride myself in being an upbeat,optimistic person. I tend to find solutions or distractions out of problems. 

But for the past few days I was just sad. There was an all permeating sense of grief. The usual methods of making myself feel better were not working. Nothing felt good at all. I didn't feel like exercising or listening to music. The tears were relentless.

I took the day off sick. I could have tried harder, but I realised that it was just not done. I took the time off. I chatted with a dear friend and felt much better for sure. I knew my job wasn't making me any happier so I went ahead and applied for another. I know it was perhaps a rash move, but it was something I wanted to do. Then I exercised a bit and definitely felt better.

I am so glad that we live in  a day and age where mental health is given importance. I feel blessed that I was able to book the time to step away from work and the demands of it. I feel blessed that I have the support system of a small but sturdy network of friends and family. 

But I also wish that everyone is able to avail it. The small joy of having someone to talk to, a shoulder to lean on. There I am sure ample avenues to talk to someone when in need, someone outside the network of friends and family. If anyone reading this, feels the need to talk to me, please feel free. The feeling of acute sadness, when nothing feels nice and one seems to lack the energy to do the basic tasks can be quite debilitating. There need not be a concrete reason for it or there can be a mixture of many. It is not a pleasant feeling to silently sit and suffer. I hope everyone realises when they are in need of a good talk, when they are in need of a mental break. And I hope everyone who is dealing  with it, a speedy recovery. 

When a man loves a woman

Are we supposed to be done with feeling in love and all? No right? I think we have to be lovey dovey the entire month, eh? 

But it ever so happens that I loose it sometimes somewhere in the beginning of the year. I just allow myself to be thrown off the track. This time it happened on the day following Valentine's day. Something minor happened, but me being all Sherlock Holmes, took it way too seriously.  ( Roomie dear, you know each excruciating detail). So I let my drinking habit kick in (Yes people I confess I have a drinking problem. When sad, I don't revive myself with the normal happy stuff like mindless movies or silly sitcoms. I go to a big mug of ginger tea. And I keep on drinking :D ) I don't feel a lot better, I feel bloated, I feel as if there is acid building in my digestive system and I sit on the banks of the river called guilt thinking about the sugar (=calories) I took in with the mugs of tea. 

Its a slippery slope friends. I know anyone with a drinking problem will vouch for it (or for that matter anyone with a chocolate addiction) So Tuesday night I retired to bed way too early (inspite of the gallons of tea) . And when I woke in the morning, K had the whole house arranged, all the dishes washed and even cute post its for me. He took the day off and we spent all the time having a How I Met Your Mother marathon and eating lots of ice cream and the cakes. I did not budge as the local pizza joint had our dinner ready. It was entirely K's show with him doing all the stuff from choosing the pizza, fetching the stuff, getting it re-heated and also cleaning up.  

Today as I slowly limped back to normalcy (its back to 2 mugs per day, the mugs have to become decent civilised sized ones, the one I am using currently is more like a beer mug),life looks a bit better. I would want some more sunshine God. But till then Thank You Chubby God for one person who has held me through and just stood by, unquestioning, just the right amount of sugar and just the right amount of spice. Bebe you rock :D

Ps. 

1. I love the movie When a man loves a woman - makes me go Awww... and cringe with a feeling of love. Yes even an un-romantic person like me

2. While I was writing this post, I had this song going on, completely situational. Yea, tumse hi tumse har baat hai!

3. Promise completely up beat and non - senti post next time. 

Fighting the demons within

20 is a very important number for me - for personal landmarks. I got married on a 20th, I joined the firm which brought me back to K on the 20th and I complete 2 years with the same firm today on the 20th. It was on the 20th of last month that K left India. Its been a month! And I have had my shares of downs and not so downs :)

Somehow the lack of any friends or family in Chennai used to make me feel very jittery about K not being there with me. I used to live the emptiness before he left so that I get used to it. It was a futile exercise. The logical half of my mind did assert that I was wasting precious time which I could have with K. But then the pessimistic me used to think, better get used to things and live the reality that is gonna be there in some days. And things were such that, before his travel, we had 3 weeks just to ourselves. Mil acts as a balancing factor in the house. Her presence keeps us guided and grounded. Without her, we lost our tempers more easily, got distraught more quickly and completely drove the other person against the wall frequently. But then, us being us, we would patch up sooner than we fought and the Sorrys and "will miss you too"s and hugs would flow with equal ease later on. It was a big turmoil with everything uncertain and the only thing keeping us afloat being hope. We were not sure, whether to voice our concerns and discuss everything or not address some facts and be in denial till we could. Because discussing some tricky points might just make both of us feel more diffident and wary without the company and the support of the other. How we passed through those days is still a blur to me. Now its a fact that I am somehow coping without my bebe and hes somehow coping without his bunny.

I am not sure, how he manages to keep his sanity and his balance in the trying times that he is through. Work is jam packed for him and he has the company of some real good people. He does miss me, but he does'nt admit it. But I know exactly how I am faring. The day times zap through with cooking, walk, getting to work and getting work done occupying me completely. I am trying some changes on the work front; things are yet to move, but the struggle keeps me occupied. Many a times, in the midst of it all, when I suddenly feel a pang of dejection, I feel really lost. Those are the times I need K the most. At home its books and some other reading that keep me really busy. But then its just an attempt to fight the demons within. The demons of lonesomeness and pessimism. Many a times, I get into this mode when I imagine the worse case scenario. It is not a pleasant feeling at all and then I get bogged down by a million and one negative thoughts. Sometimes when someone else comes up and tells me their sad story, I simply am not able to think anything hopeful. I start feeling grumpy for the person in question and start pitying myself. I hate doing that, but that is the only thing I end up doing.

But then there are the other times, when I see everything through rose tinted glasses. I see everything falling into place, just as we hope. An all win scenario when everything at stake goes our way. It peps me up to no end. The optimist in me rises to the occasion and then grabs all the things that can be accomplished when the adrenaline rush continues. Those moments are simply great. I am at my best with K, I instill faith in my near and dear ones that I am doing great. I would love my mom not to sense my actual state of mind all the time. I wish she always felt I am doing good. But then shes a mom and a great mom at that with some Extra Sensory Perception. She happens to call me exactly when I am not so ok and does a remarkable job in making me feel better. Really its been to her divine strength that I get the will to move on - to think beyond the limitations. My darling sis, keeps talking to me as if shes my beau. She talks about normal stuff and silly things to keep me upbeat. I cannot speak enough about the efforts they are making to make me not fall into the pits of negativity.

Its a constant oscillation and an emotional roller coaster - hope to see the end of this phase soon. As dearest S my friend keeps telling me everytime I start on this sob story - This too will pass.

PS. S - thank you.

In the same vein

I am feeling like I felt 2 years back. I thought reading that might make me feel better, but then I saw nothing was worth the while. So to give vent to my pent up feelings or maybe to get some clarity as to what the heck am I thinking, I chose to write this.

Things are seeming all haywire right now and blame it all on the work. Work has kept me more than busy since the last quarter of last year. Illness ruining my speed for nearly 3 weeks added fuel to the fire. I have been bringing work home, I have been running against time to get the stuffs done and even when I am not working its work on my mind. I simply hate the feeling. Even when I am with family, a part of me feels, I should go and get connected. But then the other half things "When duty calls shove it under the carpet (I have a penchant for remembering the wrong idioms :D ) Its very tiring I feel - always walking on the tightrope. The constant dilemma, the guilt (be with family or get to what gives you your daily bread.) I prefer the easy ways of life, when things are under control. Who wants to drive in top gear and feel jittery all the way?

Somehow this time also, I happened to read a piece in the Times of India, which stated how work defined the existence and identity of so many Indians. I completely concurred with the content. Work does not make us. There is more to us than what we do to earn. But then is there more to us than what we do for some good 10-12 hours everyday? It is so difficult to etch another self from the one which takes up so much time, energy and commitment!

For quite a while things at work - this thing that pre dominates our lives have been so uncertain. The worse part is, not only for me, but for K too. Both of us would have simply loved to continue what we were doing for as long as we can. But, there seems to be something different planned - and the plan is still nebulous for both of us. Not only us, there are people around us who are also in a state of flux. The team structures which both of us have become so attached (or rather used) to is on the brink of a mammoth change - and not all change is always for the good :S. With so many winds blowing, we are not even sure which terrain to align ourselves to. And if things ultimately remain just the same, I am sure the effort spent thinking and planning is so exhausting, it will seem like a gargantuan waste when its over and done with. I keep praying, asking Him for the way, for a hint. He somehow whispers, it will end up being good, but till then I think we have to summon some underground source of will within us.

Just waiting for the tides to settle down and praying for strength. A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor they say ( At last I remember a decent saying :) ) ...... Hope this ends soon and whatever lies beyond the calm, be the best for us both..... :S

When will this pass?

Its going to be close to a week since we saw off dear sissy at her work - and the emptiness is yet to go. What bothers me more is the state my parents are in. I have not heard them happy since Monday. There is a strange note in their voice - something which makes me feel like leaving everything and rushing to them.

When I moved out of the house, which was a good 9 years ago, never once did my parents urge me to come home. Yes they used to miss me and they wished I was around with them, but they always stressed what I was doing then was more important than home. I always had stern directives, if classes are a bit slack then come home. If the project release is over, then come home. I always had an assurance, they are fine without me. Even if they missed me, it never came out overtly except sometimes over phone calls and letters. I always felt my parents are self reliant and I used to be proud of the fact.

But now that they are alone, their loneliness just comes through in every word they say. In spite of having an active social life, I feel as if they are yet to escape their loneliness. Mom asked me if would be possible for me to come over for a week in July and dad went to the extent of saying, take a month's leave and be with us. I know they are saying all this in a fit of weakness and emotions. Still it makes me feel helpless. It is so unfair, that parents spend a good part of their lives fending for the very children who one day might not even be close to them. The gross injustice of this fact leaves me suffocated.

And I feel completely at a loss reaching a solution for this scenario. 2 days back, I was nearly tempted to ask my supervisor, if it would possible for me to attain a work from home option alternate months or so. On another occasion I was thinking, how good it might be if my parents move base for a year or so, say take up a house in my city and be here just to be closer to us. Otherwise I keep mulling how good a puppy be in replacing us and then again I wonder, how about adopting a child and giving a good upbringing for someone with a disadvantage. I do know that all these options are just an eye wash - a mere veneer to cover a deep scar. But I so wish, I had some remediation. I see the same situation for a lady who is our neighbour. She too has 2 daughters, married and settled and her husband is no more. She is as busy as any other working lady being voraciously involved in religious and charitable activities. I admire how she gives the same commitment to so many activities she is involved in. But when sometimes mil says, she breaks down into tears sometimes when she was misses her husband and her children, I felt exasperated.

Phew! I am not sure if I went through a whole lot of ranting. Some of my readers are in the situation my parents are in - I would love to hear how they deal with it and maybe give some insights into how my parents might be feeling at deeper level. If they feel there is something I should do that could better things, I would be most welcome to do it. I hope this passes over soon :S

Feeling blue

Since the month of March, ever since I came back from a visit to my parents, I was waiting for June 17th. The day they would come to Chennai and we would make a trip to Mysore to see off my sissy for her job. And the run up to their arrival was filled with so much anxiousness. I wanted everything planned to the T. Since there would be 6 of us travelling- I had the hotel rooms and the cab for travel pre booked. When I learned that my sissy (being my sissy ) had a luggage count of 5, I started scurrying for an optimum vehicle. I had to scout quite a number of cab providers in the city to finally get to the one which would be able to provide a large enough vehicle. That apart, I got planning on what to cook the next day. My dad has a tongue for non spicey food - which is not so much of a norm in southern India. So I had to coax my mil to let me tweak the food to adhere to my dad's taste. She was exasperated seeing the miniscule quantity of tamarind and red chilly I used. She felt it was sacrilege to make sambar with just a pinch of tamarind and one red chilly (for 6 people) but then I put my two dainty feet down and said "Today you adjust :P "

The whole day prior to their arrival I could barely contain my excitement. My friends would vouch for how I was all pepped up for the upcoming vacation. I was waiting for the clock to tick the day away.

When my folks finally arrived - it was some feeling. The house was full of stuff. The gifts were exchanged - the best being a diamond ring for me from my dad! Over the chatter everyone forgot their apetite. Inspite of my cajoling that mil and I have been up since 6:30 cooking, my folks barely had the hunger. It was only excitement that prevailed - nothing else. A meagre breakfast done, mom, sis and I ventured shopping while dad chose to avoid the tan :) With mom shopping is typical - its a frenzy. She makes sure she checks out everything, more or less visits every shop and ends up buying a lot but each one is simply unique. Sis and I survived the period with mom and also managed 4 awesome buys. That done we strutted home where there were a zillion+1 last minute stuff to be done. Till the last moment we were zipping bags, pushing things into polythene bags to put it properly later in the station, yelling at each other, reminding whether one has taken this or that, checking the taps, the switches, the gas stove - it was pandemonium personified. Thanks to all this - all 6 of us slept like there was no tomorrow in the train.

Reaching Mysore, we had an awesome time. The lesser said the better about the tour. We ate good, we slept well, we had some real nice time talking with eachother, we argued about which way to take, we felt exhausted, we clicked a lotssssa pixies :). The penultimate day did turn out to be a bit on the off side, since we chucked the plans to tour around cos of general exhaustion. But the choice made us all feel a bit lousy and bored towards the afternoon. But then - nothings perfect. That night mom, sis and I chatted late till the night. The conversation just flowed easily and did not dwell on anything in particular. We kept on cos we had a feeling - tomorrow yet again we go separate ways, having no idea when we might meet up again. And tomorrow, the baby of the house - my sis, leaves the nest. It was a feeling full of trepidation and anxiety. But more than my sis, I was worried about my mom and dad. I know having 2 daughters, they might always have prepared themselves for this time, when inspite of needing them the max, they would be without them. But no amount of preparation comes close to the actual event. While dropping sis at her stay, when my dad also shed tears, I felt too frustrated at the damn distances between us :( Wish any one of us was a bit closer to them :( I know my condition is much better than folks who stay across the continents, but then ......

Through out the return journey I was bursting into sporadic tears. I am not a person to let my emotions flow easily, but then yesterday I felt it was better to let go. Giving two hoots to what people might think, K just hugged me and let me be. All the planning, all the preparation everything over in those 4 days and all that remained was a lull and fond memories. K was so used to the ruckus that morning he too had a forlone look. Our house which was such a mess just 4 days ago, seemed so empty. My parents today went into a house where the dirtiest room was the cleanest. It was very painful. But then when sissy called and said, she had slept well and last evening had gone cycling with friends to "survey" the place- we all smiled in spite of her tears. Life is so bloody ironical.

Severances

Since the beginning of this month I have been keeping busy as hell. I have been getting 6 hours of sleep only. Office work is too damn challenging and managing a team being a new ball game altogether I am always on my toes. So much, I see myself loosing my cool at times. I am not a person to react - in fact I feel I am too lazy to react. But lately I see myself, reacting on a fraction of a second to people. There was a point where I was about to be very caustic in my reply to a person pretty high up - because the facts he demanded were completely meaningless and a waste of time. Then perchance I remembered rule no. 1 of professional etiquette "Respond- do not react to emails." And thank God I excercised restrain else there would have been some good music high up.

With K also keeping an equally busy schedule, we hardly had time for each other for that matter. Again Thank heavens for cell phones that we were able to be updated about at least what was happening in the other person's life.

Thanks to the cooperation of my team members, we were able to pull through something which was more or less resigned to be unachievable. We won accolades for the same and it was all kinda going to get a relatively smoother track. But then last Thursday, as I was thinking about how badly we were slogging our a**es(excuse the term) off, I got a news which completely threw me off balance. The onsite coordinator (let me call him FB )who was such a charm to work with was being replaced. He was being moved out of the project and another person was supposed to take up extra responsibility of his tasks. FB was sheer pleasure to work with. I had even mentioned about him here. His moving away came as a total shocker. Someone who was 44 years of age, had given 25 years of service to the firm that he was with, who had exceptional technical skills, was very adept at process related work and immensely talented at people management - he was being released. I suppose it was the first time, I felt sad to have someone leave whom I had no personal touch with. Over the 9 months, without even meeting, just over emails, phone calls and chats, he had build such a rapport, that it was completely unbelievable to imagine normal work without him. I always consider him as my idol - some one like whom I would like to be when I reach that point - and we always saw him as someone indispensable. But the way he was being unceremoniously removed due to budget constraints just made me wonder - what a bloody dog eat dog world is this.

My parents are from the government sector so I am kind of used to seeing the kind of respect society and their job arena places on them. The private sector does not have time or patience for those peripheral benefits. It has a different aura of its own where "performance" matters - period. I always thought, the kind of person and performer FB was, he would withstand the ravages of any recession - cause his are big shoes to fill in, he is nearly irreplaceable. But when he also bore the brunt - I thought - where do I stand? Some one who is echelons below him in every domain. I still am shocked and disillusioned - but then F's optimism only brought a smile on my face. When I asked him what were his plans going forward, with his characteristic smile he replied - "Not a worry Aamreeta ( thats how he pronounces my name :) ) I will look for avenues outside the firm, if need be. Else when authorisations are back, I will come back and join you guys in this project again"
Attaboy! Hope you get back to this very account FB.

Perfect timing or Completely wayward? :-S

Some times I wonder what makes God do some things at some times? I know His ways are completely unfathomable hmm but some times I would like to unravel His intentions.
There was a time when I was in Calcutta and things were going on in a very disconcerted way. My professional life was in utter chaos. I had no other go but to make a move from the organization. And I went to any extent for that. There was a period of time, when with the salary of a fresher I used to take flights all the way to Bangalore to give interviews, much to the concern of my parents. I did not have a single penny as savings cos of this. I had work which drained me to the end, and after that what ever time I could manage I used to study for interviews and all. I tried umpteen times, but every time what I got was failure.
At that juncture I happened to read an article in Reader's Digest in which a lady had left her job due to some constraints without having another job in hand. She was in a similar state, where she was running from pillar to post but to no avail. In that article she had mentioned, " Maybe every rejection is just taking me closer to the ideal job which is waiting for me." This statement stayed with me. And no matter what I kept on trying to give every interview possible.
At a point of time I decided with my fiance (lemme call him K) that I had to relocate to the city where he was working. I opted for a transfer.
But as my luck would have it, that did not end up being a smooth transition either. My transfer date kept getting postponed, and in the meanwhile, K was sent onsite.
Ironically, the date I finally managed to get a transfer coincided with the date K got for his return to India! It just seemed as a stroke of luck, superb timing by Chubby God! It was as if He had just planned it out like a master composer, every instrument in the orchestra, every artist of the symphony, He had just laid it down. It was as if He was giving me the message"See girl! This is how I wanted it to be. Not smooth sleek flows, but ups and downs (yea Hellova lot of them) but end crescendo should be memorable"
Till date I remember flying from my home town to K's place.
At the new office, work environment was very good. I was happy all the more cos of the fact I was with K in the same city after 2 years. Our entire span of courtship (if we ever had one :|) had been with us being in different cities.
Life seemed idyllic now.
But to make any progress on the professional front, I had to quit my current organization. I had made too many changes in projects and places which ruined my chances of making it to the next level in the current organisation I was working in.
And luck had it so... I got the best offer and challenging and different work opportunity in another city. K and I thought, fair enough, if this is how God's planned it, I move, work for a year and half, put some solid learning in my resume and earning in my account and come back to K.
I moved to a new city(Again). The traveler in me loved it. And after eons I had good room mates for company (I have stayed with good people before, but staying with 6 good girls is like a boon! :) )
The work was engaging. It s like I enjoyed my life here, but I keep thinking about my life with K and when I might be able to get back. I also know once I am back with him, I will miss my friends here like hell.
But then in the recent past, one of my colleagues had been up to certain misdemeanors. I cannot challenge him on it, but he has made my stay in office pretty uncomfortable.
It was work only which brought me to this place and was making me move on. (Having good company at home and a generally peaceful existence were just lateral benefits.) Now if the work front unnerves me, I feel it was utterly futile exercise to make the change.
I dont know why God had to put me through this trail. Seems completely unwarranted to me.
Allowing me to have a pleasant stay here and a smooth shift back, that would have been so cool. But I am just not able to fathom why this now.
Seriously, strange are His ways.
I am just waiting when the perfect timer will strike again and bring in the epoch. Till then, the recent changes seem completely wayward to me.

Tears

They don’t seem to stop some times. In spite of all my attempts, there are times when my lachrymal glands are just not under my control. The tears just roll on and on as if there is no tomorrow.

When I have such pangs, I literally clutch my heart, lest I choke myself. There is an upheaval within me which if I don’t let out, threatens to suffocate me. I feel shrouded with grief. I feel I will never be able to come out of the envelope of sorrow. I beseech the heavens to relieve me of the pain. I think of brighter times so that I can feel better. Sometimes in a masochistic stint, I scratch the wound even more. I try to prod the cause of distress and cry it all out, so that my eyes are dried of the tears.

But no. Nothing works.

With my will failing me, I just let the tears roll on.

Oblivious to surroundings, unconcerned about what people might think – I just cry. I have cried unabashedly on the benches in a teeming mall. I have cried inconsolably in the departure lounges of airports. I have cried with reckless abandon in public transports, telephone booths (prior to the age of cell phones); eat outs and many other places under full public glare. I am not a person who is comfortable displaying her emotions and would prefer to drench my pillow rather than create a scene. But some times in spite of myself, I have had such uncomfortable instances, where I seem to be under free fall under the influence of the feeling of despair.

Generally after this emotional catharsis I feel drained.

The analysis of the events that lead to ‘pain causing situation’ wrecks me.

Insignificant things keep reminding of what went wrong, or how things might have been.

I fall into a reverie and feel a stir of distress at ubiquitous sights and sounds and smells. The heart inundated with pain, takes time to see the sunshine over the horizon.

I pray to God, after each such episode not to make me pass through such trauma again. But then… life’s sky is not always azure…