Undecided

I am a very indecisive person.

Due to this trait I make my own life miserable.
I am a stage where the time ahead is a big bold Question Mark(make it font size 48).
And I hate being like this.
On one hand I would like to spend some time in my current firm and learn the stuff properly and leave. Things are seeming bright here with my career moving on the right track( I know one can never be sure with the big bosses, they are expert at giving the shock waves when least expected). More over its a place with a unique work environment which kind of makes me look forward to coming here everyday. On the other hand, there is a colleague of mine whom I have to face every day,and who irritates me to the core. I would love having another offer and shoving my papers to the VP.
Some times I feel I should stay in this project and become a valued resource. Then the promotion will be a bit secure. At other times I feel what is the point of getting expertise in one system; it will just stagnate me. I should explore beyond and the only way to do so is to move out from this place.
Some times I feel, I should take rest and just enjoy the relaxing period that stretches in front of me. I feel lethargic to study again and brush up my concepts and go for interviews on weekends. But then I feel, whats the point dummy. You should be making all the effort. You should be driving yourself. What good do you get by wasting time? So move on. Make all the effort.No pain no gain right?
But some how as of now I don't feel super charged for anything.
I am not getting the full enthu to move.
K says take the first step and then you will get moving. What is stopping you from taking the first step. Only when you take the first step you will know where you stand. You will get your confidence back. And you will see a clearer path. You will know if you have to stay in your current organisation.
I wish I had everything clear cut in my life. Without it, I feel I am running after a mirage. And it might be just a futile waste of energy and time.
I wish everything was planned and all set perfectly. I am hating this stage where all the pieces of the jigsaw puzzle are scattered. And I don't even know what picture I have to build.

Perfect timing or Completely wayward? :-S

Some times I wonder what makes God do some things at some times? I know His ways are completely unfathomable hmm but some times I would like to unravel His intentions.
There was a time when I was in Calcutta and things were going on in a very disconcerted way. My professional life was in utter chaos. I had no other go but to make a move from the organization. And I went to any extent for that. There was a period of time, when with the salary of a fresher I used to take flights all the way to Bangalore to give interviews, much to the concern of my parents. I did not have a single penny as savings cos of this. I had work which drained me to the end, and after that what ever time I could manage I used to study for interviews and all. I tried umpteen times, but every time what I got was failure.
At that juncture I happened to read an article in Reader's Digest in which a lady had left her job due to some constraints without having another job in hand. She was in a similar state, where she was running from pillar to post but to no avail. In that article she had mentioned, " Maybe every rejection is just taking me closer to the ideal job which is waiting for me." This statement stayed with me. And no matter what I kept on trying to give every interview possible.
At a point of time I decided with my fiance (lemme call him K) that I had to relocate to the city where he was working. I opted for a transfer.
But as my luck would have it, that did not end up being a smooth transition either. My transfer date kept getting postponed, and in the meanwhile, K was sent onsite.
Ironically, the date I finally managed to get a transfer coincided with the date K got for his return to India! It just seemed as a stroke of luck, superb timing by Chubby God! It was as if He had just planned it out like a master composer, every instrument in the orchestra, every artist of the symphony, He had just laid it down. It was as if He was giving me the message"See girl! This is how I wanted it to be. Not smooth sleek flows, but ups and downs (yea Hellova lot of them) but end crescendo should be memorable"
Till date I remember flying from my home town to K's place.
At the new office, work environment was very good. I was happy all the more cos of the fact I was with K in the same city after 2 years. Our entire span of courtship (if we ever had one :|) had been with us being in different cities.
Life seemed idyllic now.
But to make any progress on the professional front, I had to quit my current organization. I had made too many changes in projects and places which ruined my chances of making it to the next level in the current organisation I was working in.
And luck had it so... I got the best offer and challenging and different work opportunity in another city. K and I thought, fair enough, if this is how God's planned it, I move, work for a year and half, put some solid learning in my resume and earning in my account and come back to K.
I moved to a new city(Again). The traveler in me loved it. And after eons I had good room mates for company (I have stayed with good people before, but staying with 6 good girls is like a boon! :) )
The work was engaging. It s like I enjoyed my life here, but I keep thinking about my life with K and when I might be able to get back. I also know once I am back with him, I will miss my friends here like hell.
But then in the recent past, one of my colleagues had been up to certain misdemeanors. I cannot challenge him on it, but he has made my stay in office pretty uncomfortable.
It was work only which brought me to this place and was making me move on. (Having good company at home and a generally peaceful existence were just lateral benefits.) Now if the work front unnerves me, I feel it was utterly futile exercise to make the change.
I dont know why God had to put me through this trail. Seems completely unwarranted to me.
Allowing me to have a pleasant stay here and a smooth shift back, that would have been so cool. But I am just not able to fathom why this now.
Seriously, strange are His ways.
I am just waiting when the perfect timer will strike again and bring in the epoch. Till then, the recent changes seem completely wayward to me.

Waiting for.. ?

I don’t know what I am waiting for. I feel as if I am anticipating something. As if something important is going to happen and I am all agog for it. Each day I am inching towards it. But what is it?

I have lots of important events lined up till early 2008. Have a lot of personal and professional commitments to be met. And each day is bringing me closer to them. As each day passes I kind of put a mental tick against that day. Ok. Done. Now next.

But then when I look back on the day that just went by, I feel, oh! No! Did I use it to the fullest? I love these words of Rudyard Kipling from the poem If

“If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run”

That’s what I feel at the end of each day.

Did I utilize it well?

Did I fill each unforgiving minute with worth?

Or was I a wastrel when it came to the 24 hours that just went by?

When I am pushing myself to do all the things that have to be done and that I want to do.. I say to myself… Hey slow down… Take it easy…

And if I let the pace slacken a bit… I reprimand myself… Oh Come on you are going to repent this. Get up and get going.

Argh! I am in such a fix :-(

And today I spoke to my room mate.

I could not take this tug of war any more.

So I just blurted out,”Such weird days aint these... I kind of feel restless”

And she was like, “Yaaaaaaaaaaaaa very true... Even I feel like that. When the week starts I wait for the weekend.. And once the weekend comes I am like... Oh God when is this going to end. I don’t feel like doing anything at work. Life is just going on yaar. Even I don’t know what is going on. May be it’s the weather.”

Then I though yes!! Eureka. May be it’s the weather after all. We have not seen the sun since ages. It has either been raining or it’s been cloudy and chill. It’s all soggy and soppy all over. And that irritates me and my roomie dear big time. May be we are a bit under the weather (mentally though ;))

I am not sure.

But I just wish I get rid of this restless feeling.

I wish I stop putting those mental tick marks against days like a prisoner.

I wish I stop looking at the calendar once in a while and count days, weeks, months….

I wish I knew what am I waiting for.. :-(

Feeling Blank

Some times I am very incoherent. I hate being in the state when I am blank. I am without an opinion, without a thought, without a vision – a state when I feel everything zipping past me and I like a mute spectator just watch on. My mind on one hand urges me to move, to get up, and to do some thing, anything but lie in a limbo. At any given point of time are not there lots of things to be completed, lots of tasks pending, lots and lots of ‘to do s’? But on the other hand I feel like just being as I am. I feel like wasting my muscles, subduing my thoughts. I feel any ways I won’t be able to effect much change in a few hours or in a day. There will still remain lots more things to be completed, some more pending tasks and there will never be tick marks against all the ‘to do s’. So why make the effort?

Just let time take hold. Let the day move on. Let tomorrow come. Tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow will throw new challenges on your face. Tomorrow will ask you to take up a new gauntlet. Tomorrow will force you to come out of the state of inertia. Tomorrow you won’t be in this insipid state of inaction.

But when tomorrow comes I feel ‘ARGH! I wasted yesterday :-( ‘

The ones who never saw the light of the day...

I am generally pretty indecisive as a person.
It takes me eons to decide on the most trivial of things.
And I have not been able to zero in on a blog.
There have been quite a lot which were in my mind as nascent ideas. But I never summoned to zeal to give shape to them as words. The drafts of the wannabe blogs buzzed in my head during long train journeys or when I brushed my teeth or worst of all, while I read the newspaper.
But some how I never managed to put them in black and white.
Either I was hard pressed for time, or I found the ideas too mundane to claim space in my blogosphere, or they just skimmed into a nebulous form when I attempted to give shape to them.
But there were a few lucky once who passed through the initial draft. But then when I got to read them, my very first response would be "NAYYYYYYYYYYYYY".

Many a times I did attempt to add another line here, edit a paragraph there – but the results lacked sheen. So I gave up further attempts at improvisation.

So this blog goes out to all those who did not make it. :-(

Auto Mode

Been there Lived there

Horror And I

Profundities

Scent of a Moment

Summer of 03

Hope some day I have some postings with these titles.

Till then, rest in peace. :-|