Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Taggity tag by Shylu

Shylu tagged me with a real special one. This is how it goes..

1.A writeup on a kind gesture that someone had done for you which left you speechless
Yes there is one person whom I am indebted to for the kind of support she has given to me. Let me call her S. She was my roomie in Kolkatta where I started my professional career with more lows than highs. Every single thing was wrong including the Vaastu of the place I stayed in. And the only good thing there was dear S. I dunno what made her trust me so much and help me so much over a period of just 5 days. Yes in 5 days time, she was helping me with my studies ( I was preparing for IAS exams then :( A long lost dream :( ) , tending to my eating and also helping me with my work. She was helping me not only in doing the same so that I could get home quick and resume studies but also advising me on steps to take. I am not sure, I have been mothered by no one else but my mom. I usually put up a very independent and stoic stand though I might be weak kneed. Yet I allowed her to take care of me and guide me. Undoubtedly when she took a transfer to Hyd I was devastated. But our relationship continued beyond that. She was there helping me inspite of the distances, travelling long hours to be with me when I attended couple of interviews. She was like a family member..... I truly will be never be able to repay you lh. Her kindness still has me speechless......

2.Indebted to someone lifelong..who??
Who else but my mom. I cannot thank her enough for being what she has been to me - as I keep saying, she is the air that I breathe. She has been my role model ever since I remember maybe. I always wanted to be someone like her. As I grew I did see lapses in her, and improved on them myself. But the best thing I always owe to her is her listening. She always listens to me and understands me. I believe many a times when I jabber on about work, about technical stuffs (trust me I do talk to her about resource crunch and estimation flaws) and about emotional upheavals - she listens. She listens to no matter what I am talking about. And because she listens, she understands and then she supports and advises me. I cannot say in enough words how much she has motivated me constantly. I truly am indebted to her for this one life and many more.

3.Want to say "sorry" to someone..who???
There are many - :) I am sometimes rough in my speech many a times. As I keep saying, I am frank to the extent of being rude. I am strongly opinionated. On top of that I have this quirk to assert my opinion. ( I try to get rid of this - opinion hai to apne paas rakho na. But no - I will voice it aloud!! ) So many a times I have blurted rude facts and am sure I must have hurt a lot of people.

4.Want to say "thank you" to someone ..who??
Thank you - hmmm - this is such a difficult question. There are so many people again I would like to say thank you to...I do keep saying thank you to people all the time. But if I make it like an Oscar receiving speech brace yourself. I would so like to thank Mrs Sharada Chadha who inculcated my love for English - the language way back in school. My uncle - we call him Rocks mama :) for inadvertently instilling in me the voracious reader that I am. Hes a role model, an elder brother I do not have but will never miss having either. Vinnie in college for being the splendid agony aunt she was to me during my NIT days - pity we are hardly in touch with each other now :( Preeti - to whose guidance I owe my first job to - she helped me retain my sanity during those crazy "campus" times where everyone and his brother was going nuts. My manager during my stint in Hyd - he taught me how to "lead" rather than "manage". A boss par excellence. And dear FB - a high grade techo who taught me how to "work" with "passion". I dont have a job which just gives me a living, I enjoy what I do. I owe a lot to what FB taught me - though he taught from a purest of the pure technical perspective, his humanity shone through. Kudos to you. Shylu - you must be repenting asking me this question hai na? This is what happens if you get me started :)

5.And whats your most cherished possession till date??
I will sound very very very materialistic when I say this - but my most cherished possession is my car. Yea - it was always a dream for me. To drive - gives me such a liberated feeling. No haggling with @!#!%$@%# auto drivers. It is not a luxury for me, it is something I always felt I need. We as a family of 3 can travel any where we want without depending on anyone else. If there are guests, there is no need to plan the logistics for going around. Things are so much in place. And being one thing I coaxed out entirely out of my own earnings, I have a very special attachment to it.

6.A special moment in life which brings along a smile every time you think of it.
This is a very tricky question. It should be a special moment, but then it should bring a smile everytime I think of it. I should say it was the span at Delhi with my close friends A and B. It was my first taste of independence, travelling alone, "working" and seeing friendship from a whole new angle. And also the first time we thought we were in love :) Brings a smile when I think how silly we were. We were mature enough not to fall for the school crushes and college interests, but there we drooling over intellect and grave personalities. I still remember how A and I used to sit in the park and get all serious and philosophical munching a packet of Lays :) I did mention in my last post, how we cried the day we were leaving the place :D The age of innocence, thats what it was.

Ab meri baari to tag a few folks : -

and Shylu (you should have done it first!)

Monday, February 22, 2010

Missing and I

No I do not have a mutt named "missing" - this is more about the verb "missing". I think missing is one of my pastimes. I miss many things, people, hobbies, activities, places, soaps, old times - many many things. K used to say I collectively miss stuff. Yea maybe there is some truth in there.

The silliest thing I did in this respect was during my summer internship. That time we were 3 very good friends doing our internship in Delhi. We had one HELL of a time there. I will remember those 45 as one of the mosssssssssssst BEAUTIFUL times A, B and I spent. Sometime maybe I should put a post about our adventures in detail. And when we were finally to wrap up stuff and leave, A and B were travelling by a train at 1400 hours for which they had to leave home at 1200 and I was travelling by a train at 1800 hours for which I was to leave home at 1600 hours. I was to be "alone" for 4 hours. And I cant explain how muchhhhhhh I have cried. And not just me, A and B cried tons too - missing each other, missing the time spent there, missing our shopping sprees , missing our crushes ( 3 of us managed to have crushes ;) ) and God knows what all. And we were crying as if the world was breaking apart while in another 2 weeks time we had to get back to the same college and spend one more good year together :) Heights of silliness- you bet :)

When I used to stay in hostel during my graduation days, I used to start missing home 2 days before I left home back for the hostel. I would eat meals as if I was to be forced into starvation after some days. I would see the delicacies made by mom and morosely state - this is the last time I am having matar paneer. My sis would yell saying cmon you are not going to die, why make a big deal of everything? But then me being the typical me, would mull and sulk over every single thing. That would be the case every single time during my trips from home to hostel and went forward even when I got working.

During my working days when I used to stay in an apartment with other folks from the same field, I saw a lot of transitions. As is in vogue in software culture, I saw a lot of people moving in and moving out of the apartment. And boy o boy, if someone close to me was moving out, I would be too sad. I would imagine, how lonely I would be without the person, how I would miss my friend and I would go on and on thinking about all the good times.For that matter, when I moved out of Hyderabad (a place I louve and miss till date :D ) to be with K, I missed my roomies sooo much. I remember stepping into the house and K giving me the biggest bear hug in the world and I started wailing! He was aghast! Then mega pissed when I said I am missing my roomie :) I think I called her many times and only when she said she was shopping in Charminar that I felt relieved and better. We both have moved on a lot, and I still do miss her a lot :) :)

Even before making my trips to Bbsr to my parents place, I would start missing K and my colleagues and lunch mates!! some 3-4 days before :) Yes yes, silly again , but then thats typically me. So one can imagine with this streak what a ruckus I might have raised before K was slated to leave India. I used to miss him so much before he started. I would miss him and cry silently and then gradually increase the decibel level :) K being K would start at his comforting best but then would go on to being peeved and then the pitch would increase to pure lambasting. Even now there are pangs when I miss him a lot. But then its not as bad as I had imagined it to be. I have no idea when I can see him again, it can be something as close to 3 months and as far as a year. But one thing I am very certain of, this phase will teach me a lot- like all difficult times have. I will be conditioned to face many more ravages that life and time might throw.

Friday, February 12, 2010

When Logic fails

I somehow had to put this down inspite of facing a major time crunch. I am full of so many thoughts, that I just had to get it out of my system.

Things are not very upbeat on the work front. There are still numerous questions at work for which there is no resolution in sight. I have brought upon me a certain amount of uncertainty by taking some decisions. Its more like I have tossed a route where everything seemed predictable if not challenging and have forced myself into a scenario where everything could change for the worse. But then you never know whats beyond the door until you cross the threshold. And that is what propels me to go on. In spite of all the quandaries, in spite of everything that is so secure now going to the dumps, I have taken a chance and now there is no turning back. Unsure of anything I have prayed incessantly. I read an interesting piece in TOI which said, when God does not answer your prayers, that IS His answer. Somehow it seemed to make a lot of sense, and maybe the meaning will fall into place, only when I see the bigger picture with the passage of time.

On top of that, the developments at K's work place have been such that, we might need to be away from each other for a longish period of time. I have put myself in doldrums with respect to the work front by calling upon some changes rather than going on the beaten track, so I would not be in a position to accompany him. Each time as I mentally prepare myself for our period of being away, I am intimidated by the times that are to come. I am sure I would need all the support from K and I also know that this is the time I should be most supportive of K. But, sometimes logic fails. And I see myself wallowing in self pity and depression. At times, I blame K for bringing this upon us, which then brings in another bout of anxiety, fights and another guilt trip. I know its no ones fault, they are just tough times which are meant to pass, but then wish this logical state of mind always remains. The thought of how times might be without him, make me feel too sad, while at other times I feel, its just the forethought that makes one imagine the worse case scenario. Once the phase starts, it will not be as bad as we imagine. But the thought of not having his messy clothes around, not scolding him for doing the chores that he forgets to do, attending family functions without him beside me and generally not feeling his aura in the same city, makes me feel listless. My friend S who is in the same state says, it passes, we only need to fight the bad mood days :) Hope its as easy as you make it seem to be. I am sure, K too has his doubts and emotions but he chooses to keep them to himself.....

My friend A unknowingly has been a source of a lot of strength. She and I think very alike, and somehow during my random rants with her, I get a lot of positive energy. I am sure once K leaves, I am doing to keep bugging her a lot. I know I will get something or the other to occupy me and of course there will be books. And I know of so many couples who have been apart for longer times. For that matter my parents, both being in government service at one time, had nearly 10 years away from each other. I do not know how they managed it, but I will have to buck up and take up the challenge.........