Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Chew this!

After writing that foodie post some days back, its food which keeps coming back to my posts again and again. This time it is food for thought :P

Piper asked some really pertinent questions by asking :-
A question to all my blog buddies. You can answer anonymously, in case you`re uncomfortable. But do answer.

Has marriage killed the girl in you?
Are you more programed, more regulated in your thoughts and deeds?
Or are you simply calmer? Assuaged?
Are you still in love?
Or are you simply loving? Caring, fond and loyal..?

What does marriage do to you?

I am tempted to answer all these questions in the ulti professional way, cos these questions are so pin pointed and concise. I somehow love such questions; if day in and out, we had conversations which were so precise, wow! The world would have so much more clarity :) I know I am digressing and should get back to the work at hand.

Has marriage changed me - I will say No. Marriage has changed not changed my personality, but marriage has changed my responses to stimuli. I still think the same way I used to - it never did achieve killing the girl within me - the methodical, practical, stubborn, temperamental girl within me. Let me explain how marriage changed my responses with an instance. I still connect with my family and friends like I always used to, but then many a times if K is around, I know I chose who deserves my attention first. There have been times when for some chore, I have asked my parents or my friends to call in later. I would not have done the same during my spinster days, because there would be nothing more important my family or friends needing me. So though I am the same, the way I respond to the same things are different, because I am in a different set of circumstances right now.

In the same way, programmed I never was to do anything. I take small logical steps one at a time, and that is precisely what I still do. But now, its not just me or my personal aspirations or wishes I have to consider when I think of any issue. There is always K and mil, who are in the purview. They are an extension of me now and I cannot take absolutely any stand on anything without considering how it might affect them and how they might feel about it. It does not curtail me, because I regard them as an integral part of me. Same way, I know I come in their thoughts and actions. In this respect I should say, I am in no way calmer than I was before. Many a times rather to accommodate especially how K thinks, results in arguments and fights - but then that's what keeps the party going :)

I personally do not understand love - as in falling in love love. For me love is something unconditional, so it is something I have for my parents, my country, my language, my pets, my friends, for kids(I know I would love them unconditionally when I would have them) . I never fell in or out of love for them, I just love them ever since I remember. I do not understand how one can develop this unconditional emotion for some stranger. My perception of love between couples is - it starts with some emotion which amalgamates itself with many others and forms a complex one which can be summed up as love. As an example, one emotion which brings the partners together might be admiration. A mutual admiration brings the people in question close, enhances communication, and then rises forth into respect, concern so on and so forth. It kinda snowballs into what the world calls love. Same way, it could be empathy. Its very easy for two people under similar circumstances to understand each other and connect at a deeper level. And down the line, the connections that build up, yea thats love. I believe, every event of falling in love can be drawn back to some tangible emotion or some more understandable situation.With K and I, it was friendship. He was a friend for me when I was passing through one of the worst phases of my life, and same was I for him. We were uninhibited in our friendship cos we had the assurance that we understood each other completely. Inspite of the thick friendship we had, when K proposed, I had a whole lot of doubt whether to convert such a lovely friendship into a complicated relationship. But then during the 6 months, that I kept him waiting, I saw, he was serious enough to take my responsibility and I was important enough for him to wait. As per me, even though I had dismissed him , it was his advise that I needed , his words that comforted me, his support that I seeked. We both had a good support system of family and friends, but it was each other we sought - we had allowed an innocent friendship and mutual trust and respect to gather itself into love - the unconditional forever and ever kinda love. It might sound clinical, but then I still feel, its upon us whether we want to fall in love or not. Its upon us whether we cross the line and surrender our self to another individual. That is the very reason why arranged marriages work. And that is how love works everywhere. And yes Now I say - I am in Love , truly, deeply (I would not say madly, cos with how logical I am being - I would nt be mad :D ) and unconditionally.

If I sum up what marriage does to me, it would be marriage gives me a cause to make better. Make everything better, myself, my career, my personality, my home, my husband. Women are driven by the emotion (I think I read this in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) that if something works, it can work better. Marriage makes me work harder on that. Being a spinster, yes I used to work hard to improve my state, but to what end could I be driven? I would reach the zenith too easily. My radar would encompass me, my parents and my sister to the max. Now its my paternal home, my own home, my mil, and in the future our kids and theirs. The reason we both struggle to make it better is for each other, and for our combined future. That drive would never come if one is alone. And marriage does ensure that I am able to experience every possible emotion that God ever created. The depths of depression I feel when K and I fight would have never been in my life if it wasn't for marriage. Same way, the throes of exuberance I feel when he hugs me when hes back from office would not have been there in my life if it wasn't for marriage. Tension, love, planning, budget, family, career,life,holidays - every single thing I can think of has a different meaning thanks to wedlock. Believe it, this is coming from someone who was more or less a feminist till high school and never understood the efficacy of marriage. For me, back then it was just a gateway to loose ones individuality and take in a whole lot of trouble. But now I understand, there is more than just meets the eye. I don't say, life cant be lived alone. There are many who do lead it alone, due to various factors, and I applaud their ability to pull it off. But if one happens to be married, I don't think its a laddoo one repents eating, the laddoo is worth every bite, but each bite is not guaranteed to be sweet :D

Ps. This post is specially for Piper, and girl awesome questions there. I could never have such profound ideas. I always wanted to write about marriage, but there was so much in my head, I could never figure out where to start and where to end. You gave me direction.
Ashu,Jack,Renu, I would love if you would pen your 2 pints.
My post was entirely on personal experience and what I have seen in my limited scope. I know there are broken homes and utterly mismatched couples, I have a very close relative who has separated. If this post seemed totally skewed towards a rosy picture, my apologies for not having thought enough. And if I did not make any sense at alllll..... well thats me thinking aloud again, I might have uttered gibberish :D

21 comments:

Chan said...

Wonderful post, nicely written..

Amrita said...

@Chan - comeon tell the truth.. it was toooo long hai na ? ;)

Piper .. said...

Hey Amrita, I`m just too stunned to write a coherent comment! It so perfectly makes sense, every single word that you wrote. Esp about mutual attraction bringing together two strangers and then love blooming out subsequently. I have many more things to say. I`ll come back with a little more clarity later. For now, Thank you ever so much for this beautiful post! :):) You made my day :):)

Chan said...

@Amritha, Trust me i read it in one shot..and was really wondering how nicely u hv summed it up. I hv always thought a girl's life changes after marriage and she has to adapt more than the guy(watta challenge it is, phew). But reading your's i see a new perspective...

Jack said...

Amrita,

Read 2 posts now with a lot of difficulty because of font size. Previous one from heart and this one a very well balanced one. Shows your mature outlook.

Take care

Ashma said...

Awesome!! This is one post where I have loved each and every word that you have written. Couldn't have agreed more.. you are a wonderful person Amu and the way you are able to express your thoughts.. its just simply beautiful!! Take a bow!! :)

Amrita said...

@Chan - Yes any day a girl adjusts more, and undergoes more changes, but thats the way of the world. So take good care of ur lady when u get her ;)
@Piper -Thanks so much :) Awaiting ur response
@Jack - Am so sorry :S I should increase the font size eh ?
@Ashu - I took the bow :) And thanksssss so much. This post is also very close to my heart, the questions made me think a lot, I have re read my own words so many times, to ascertain that I had all sides covered.

Renu said...

lovely lovely post and it makes my resolve firm that still there are some girls who are so good.

You have rationalised everything so well...K is very very lucky to get you and this I am going to tell him when he comes back( oh yes I plan to meet you sometime:)

Half the battle is won if you have made your priorities clear....

Will write more when I come back:)

(¯`•._.•[Raajii]•._.•´¯) said...

its good insight :-). I havent experienced it yet.


I like the new look of the blog :-)

Thank you for the lovely birthday wishes! Your thoughtful acts make my day.

Nilu said...

I love the new look of your blog!!!

And at last a post that I was waiting from you. I came to know a lot about you & your marriage. You two have a beautiful relationship, God bless you!

Hey are you a Libra?

Amrita said...

@Nilu - Thanks :) Nay am not a Libran :) Though I gel real well with them. Give it another shot :D

smriti said...

hey amrita..just read your post and loved it. you surely have put a lot of thought into it. I would definitely like to take a shot at these questions myself and see what I come up with.

Reflections said...

May I hazard a guess...U r Aquarius right;-D

Reflections said...

U knw when I saw those questions at Pipers I too wanted to give it a shot.....thank goodness I didnt. U've done an wonderful job without going overboard:-).

Amrita said...

Nancy - nopes not an acqua either :) ok lemme drop a hint, i am not an air sign :D though i might seem to be one :D

Deeps said...

I absolutely loved this post, Amrita. Beautifully expressed! Esp the part on unconditional love!

There's so much of clarity in your thoughts!

Renu said...

arey bhai kahan ho?

deepsspeakingup said...

hey, whats up? No updates??

Piper .. said...

hey, long time...where have you been???

Pythoroshan said...

totally related to this post, being a newly married myself...
so many new things to look after, to think about.. cant take the old individual decisions, have to consider the effect it may have on MRS too

Gargi Majumdar said...

Hii Amrita, I love the way you write. It was wonderful reading your latest blog post. Would keep following your blog!! TC...Gargi.

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