Keeping Busy

I like it when I am damn busy I think. In the days that have been I have been literally running around with out any time to spare.

Till the 18^th of November, I was preparing for an exam.

So mornings after the normal chores and 45 minutes walk, I used to sit down with books. While traveling to office, it would be a novel which would occupy me. Work would keep me on my toes for the next 10 hours. After which travel back home, scram and have dinner and then sit down with the exam prep again.

My free time used to be… hmm I can say… the minutes I used to spend talking to family or one or two friends. That would cumulatively be some 1 hour at the max.

With that pace of life, I wanted the D day to pass soon, so that I could sit back and relax.

I used to see my flat mates having a gala time, moving leisurely, having (what seemed to me) the luxury of watching tv, talking over the phone with out thinking how many minutes is the call eating up, and generally having a peaceful and calm existence.

I felt I was all the while literally running on a treadmill.

But after the exam got over, I had one complete day when I just chilleddddddd it out. I watched tv as if there was no tomorrow :-). Then for the next 2 days, coincidentally work pressure was a bit low. And I used to come back home, read a novel and drift of to sleep. I used to sleep so deep and so much with out any damn concern. I remember waking up all alert in the mornings with out any sign of left over sleep.

I continued like this for 4 days I think. And I loved it. But I got bored of it I guess.

The very next week, I resumed my swimming.

So the mornings I wake bolt up at 7, scurry to the pool, after an hour there, run home, have breakfast, read the paper, get ready and then dash to office. And now see the twist of fate: work is hectic again – demanding me to multi task over 3 completely different arenas. I come back home and then again I have this whole pile of un read novels asking for my immediate attention. And I have to force myself to hit the bed by 2330 hours so that I can get up again all fresh and bright for the humungous morning that beckons me.

Hmm…. Well… keeping busy tires me. But I cant take the relaxed pace either. Hmm… weird dilemma.

Cosmic Connection

I must have had some cosmic connection with the city of Chennai.

It was on the date of 30^th of June, 2004 that I had got the mail for the posting of my very first job – to Chennai. While most of us were anticipating and looking forward to Bangalore to be the first destination, it was Chennai for me.

My parents accompanied me to consign me to a new world; to see me off at the threshold of change from being a student to an employee. On the day they were supposed to return to my home town, I was on the throes of despair. I remember sitting on the benches of a mammoth shop shedding copious tears. I was too crestfallen at the thought of my parents bidding me good bye. I had been a hostel boarder through out my graduation life, but some how maybe the situation made me feel so vulnerable that I could not help but be morose.

After the initial training, my permanent posting was in Calcutta. Now this place was much closer to my home town. All other folks who were in and around the eastern part of India were overjoyed at this stroke of luck. But I dunno why, in spite of Chennai being so far from my home and in spite of the culture, the food habit and the very way of life being so different from my native place, I was sad at leaving it.

May be there was some bonding which I felt with it.

Luckily I got many more chances to re visit the place for short as well as long terms. Every time I went there, there was a sense of “being at home” in me.

Most people from the northern half of India face the impediment of language out there. But some how I was able to maneuver with ease. Luckily I generally ended up with auto rickshaw drivers who were conversant in Hindi, or dhaba folks from the north of India. (Now people who stick to logic and reason might say – that’s a direct consequence of the IT boom which has completely transformed most metropolises in cosmopolises in India) But I some how like to believe, its like my second home, easing out my stay a bit, ironing out some minor inconveniences so that I have a pleasant stay.

Not only that, I have never once encountered “bad weather” there. Ask any north Indian about Chennai, and they wont miss mentioning “humidity”, ”sweat”, ”oppressive heat”. Luckily or unluckily I never got a chance to crib about the weather at Chennai. I have been there in months of June – March, but never ever has the weather unnerved me. May be I have to try the month of May once:-D.

I think I am in love with most of the things of the city. I like the ethnicity of the place. The deep rooted culture of the people. The omnipresent shoppers. (Some how I feel people there always have a reason to shop. The shops always have the same density of population :-)) The raw mangoes available on the streets. The beaches. The plush shops standing vis a vis the street vendors selling their wares. (And each getting their fair share of customers). The awesome temples where you can literally feel divinity.

The city holds some charm over me. It’s simply a joy being at Chennai.

Pressure Cooker

I suffer from the pressure cooker syndrome badly I think. (This is a term coined by me for the knack of not expressing ones feelings then and there but keeping them pent up)

Currently I am going through the same so thought might as well write it down for future reference.

I am a person who does not give vent to her feelings to some people easily.
Its not that I am the egoist types who wants the whole world to come up to me and ask what’s wrong. It’s more like I try to under play my negative emotions.

If I am angry I try to forget it, rather not acknowledge the fact that I am angry. I try to carry on.
Some times this trick works beautifully. Its just makes sense not to harp on some emotions and go on as if nothing happened.
But then at other times as yesterday, it just goes on to wreck me.

Yesterday night I was very irked with a friend of mine. Now he has the penchant for teasing me big time.
Yesterday during a teasing session, my restrain snapped.
Rather than having a confrontation, I decided to sleep over it. (A TERRIBLE decision)



But.. it did not turn out to be one for those lovely days when I sleep within 30 seconds ( some of my friends are so jealous of this trait of mine.)
And I was fretting and fuming over what happened.
I was going through this endless cycle of re-play and analyze the sequence of conversation which ended up in me being all the more worked up.
I thought of all the worst case scenarios regarding all the future plans that I have laid. (I swear to be a die hard optimist.. But yesterday I was aghast at my own thoughts!! )
I was seething and simmering for a good 2 hours in bed :(
Generally if I don’t get sleep within 10 minutes I assume I am suffering from insomnia .I was nearly in the brink of tears yesterday trying to sleep for 2 hours :(

Today morning had some spillovers of yesterday night.
But I reached a pact with the friend of mine that next time I am going to be very vocal in case I get irritated.
Its now entirely my responsibility to stress which is the limit when he gets into teasing mode again
One should learn how to shirk from responsibilities from guys!
:D

The better half of the day has been wasted in me trying to make up for the sleep lost last night.
Dunno how I am planning to use the remaining time left.
I think I am gonna kill myself by the guillotine of guilt :)

Tagged

Hmm I owed this to Raaji..
So there you go..
My middle name is way too long 10 alphabets :-(
So I am gonna go with my nickname Cherrie :)

"C" - Cold/choice
I am very susceptible to the first.
And I don t like making the second.
:)
A little waft of cold breeze from the nook in the window, a little drop in the temperate, the fan staying on a little longer than the usual time at night - And thats it. I am all sneezing and huffing panting in the morning.
As I am prone to acute sinusitis, pain reliving balms are my best friends. My handbag always has one and loadssssss of tissue papers.
I never go to bed with out a handkerchief and a bottle of de-congesant beside me. Such is my plight.

And I have always hated making choices.
Since I was a kid it seems, I am the indecisive one. "People like us should not be given choices" - Is what my close friend and I declare. But alas!! Life throws ample choices at us :( I envy those people who had to go on a straight path through out their life, there were never many choices to make, life just thrust things on their face... I know they must be cursing their existence... But I would love to swap places with them. ( Ya ya.. I hear quite a few saying.. The grass on the other side......... )

"H" - Hope
I am always filled with it. No matter what the situation I trust the God above. I refer to Him as My chubby God :) And I believe, He can never mean harm. So why loose hope. We ordinary mortals are not able to see the bigger picture which he is etching.

"E" - Exercise
I am a freak when it comes to exercise. My family is full of exercise freaks I feel. Dad never misses his walks. Mom and sis are avid Yoga practitioners. And I have been into everything from walks to Yoga to aerobics to swimming.
And if I don t do any sort of exercise for a week, I start imagining love handles and tires :(
And this is the state I have been for the past 2 weeks. Since the weather has become a bit chill, I have been too lazy to move in the mornings. :( Have been scolding myself but not getting motivated enough :(

"R" - Reading
I love it. Cant say more than this :)

"R" - Romantic
That I am of course not. :)
Again I will quote my best friend who says " We are too practical to be romantic" I don t know how many people would agree with this. But it sounds a jazzy catch line- so we stick with it.
My idea of romance is getting duplicate keys done from the store across the street, buying vegetables together and quarreling over the quantity, and very very common place things. I am not into the hearts and flowers stuff at all...I infact get irritated by any thing remotely mushy.

"I" - Impatient
Impatience should have been my middle name :D
But it does not sound so nice so I gave it a miss.
I am as impatient as my dad.
I am impatient when it comes to any thing and everything, starting from waiting for the train/flight, queuing up in the bank or post office, people walking slowly on the streets, stubborn vegetables not getting cooked sooner,water coming slowly out of the tap, the list can go on and on and on.
I wish patience was a virtue I had. And my mom being the epitome of patience, I so so wish I had an iota of her patience.
But now I think now I am too old to change :)

"E" - English
My adopted mother tongue :)

Waiting for.. ?

I don’t know what I am waiting for. I feel as if I am anticipating something. As if something important is going to happen and I am all agog for it. Each day I am inching towards it. But what is it?

I have lots of important events lined up till early 2008. Have a lot of personal and professional commitments to be met. And each day is bringing me closer to them. As each day passes I kind of put a mental tick against that day. Ok. Done. Now next.

But then when I look back on the day that just went by, I feel, oh! No! Did I use it to the fullest? I love these words of Rudyard Kipling from the poem If

“If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run”

That’s what I feel at the end of each day.

Did I utilize it well?

Did I fill each unforgiving minute with worth?

Or was I a wastrel when it came to the 24 hours that just went by?

When I am pushing myself to do all the things that have to be done and that I want to do.. I say to myself… Hey slow down… Take it easy…

And if I let the pace slacken a bit… I reprimand myself… Oh Come on you are going to repent this. Get up and get going.

Argh! I am in such a fix :-(

And today I spoke to my room mate.

I could not take this tug of war any more.

So I just blurted out,”Such weird days aint these... I kind of feel restless”

And she was like, “Yaaaaaaaaaaaaa very true... Even I feel like that. When the week starts I wait for the weekend.. And once the weekend comes I am like... Oh God when is this going to end. I don’t feel like doing anything at work. Life is just going on yaar. Even I don’t know what is going on. May be it’s the weather.”

Then I though yes!! Eureka. May be it’s the weather after all. We have not seen the sun since ages. It has either been raining or it’s been cloudy and chill. It’s all soggy and soppy all over. And that irritates me and my roomie dear big time. May be we are a bit under the weather (mentally though ;))

I am not sure.

But I just wish I get rid of this restless feeling.

I wish I stop putting those mental tick marks against days like a prisoner.

I wish I stop looking at the calendar once in a while and count days, weeks, months….

I wish I knew what am I waiting for.. :-(

Feeling Blank

Some times I am very incoherent. I hate being in the state when I am blank. I am without an opinion, without a thought, without a vision – a state when I feel everything zipping past me and I like a mute spectator just watch on. My mind on one hand urges me to move, to get up, and to do some thing, anything but lie in a limbo. At any given point of time are not there lots of things to be completed, lots of tasks pending, lots and lots of ‘to do s’? But on the other hand I feel like just being as I am. I feel like wasting my muscles, subduing my thoughts. I feel any ways I won’t be able to effect much change in a few hours or in a day. There will still remain lots more things to be completed, some more pending tasks and there will never be tick marks against all the ‘to do s’. So why make the effort?

Just let time take hold. Let the day move on. Let tomorrow come. Tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow will throw new challenges on your face. Tomorrow will ask you to take up a new gauntlet. Tomorrow will force you to come out of the state of inertia. Tomorrow you won’t be in this insipid state of inaction.

But when tomorrow comes I feel ‘ARGH! I wasted yesterday :-( ‘