Return of the sinner

Last time I had gone to Bhubaneswar, I met this. I never got to savor the usual tastes, sights and sounds of my home town which I love so much.

This time the day K left for his overseas assignment, I left the day following to my parents place. (Yea I am a bit of an escapist and a procrastinator. I wanted to escape the immediate vacuum of K not being there, and fill it up with my family people. And I wanted to postpone the facet of missing him for a couple of weeks at least. My manager God bless that dear soul, was graceful enough, to agree that I work from Bhubaneswar for 2 weeks).

This time, the transit was very different. I was having mixed emotions over leaving for my parents home on one hand and feeling the absence of K. And since he was also in transit at that time, I did not have to send the usual messages to him of having reached the airport, having boarded the flight and reached safely. But the moment I reached Bhubaneswar, the warmth I felt was enormous, enough to make me be in a trance. As soon as I reached home, there was moms amazingly tasty chicken curry! It just enhanced the trance I was experiencing. (Am I sounding like Mr. Nityananda. Please excuse the very poor joke I tried there :D ) Inspite of the lunch in the flight, I could not resist having one big helping of the curry with rice and dal. Little did I know, that was the start of my favourite sin - YES - Gluttony!

I broke all barriers and ate, ate and ATE! Not just that day, for the 16 and a half days that followed. The next day was a trip to my grandmama's house. Now she too is a cook par excellence. But the pulao and soya chunks curry she had made that day, were extra delicious. My aunt, uncle and their kids had also come over, and she had brought her special sweetdishes too. The table groaned under the weight of the loaded dishes, and I groaned after having stuffed myself like a Thanksgiving turkey. During lunch, since we cousins were pulling the leg of one whos allegedly in "love" (:S Kids are falling in love at a younger age now I feel :S ) I ended up not realising when the food reached the level of my nose. Now to wash it off, I had to recourse to a full glass of coke (which implies some more calories ).

The days that followed saw me gorging on fish curry(after 8 months I think), mutton curry and yes the ultimate prawns! I never got a chance to feel one basic human need - hunger. There was always some or the other dish, savouries and sweet meats available in easy access. One day my aunty assuming, that I would be sad and sulky and missing K too much decided to pep me up. To do so, she cooked dahi vadas, chole,aloo dum,pani puri and Gajar ka halwa and made her son home deliver the same. I ate till I needed assistance getting up from the chair. Trust me, I am not exaggerating. On the 26th of Feb, came the wedding anniversary of my parents, and what better way to celebrate than to Feast. Feast we did on Hyderabadi cuisine.... you get the drift? I would prefer not explaining what happens when people who love food meet Hyderabadi food.

Yes I was gluttonous, but I was not unabashed all the way. Come on K would return one day and I did not want him to see a killer whale having replaced his human though chubby wife. So I decided to step on the stepper. And just like I crossed all limits in eating, that day I did cross the limits trying to burn all the blubber that had accumulated over the course of 6 days. I exercised for some 30 odd minutes at a vigorous pace. The next day, I had such cramps in my calf muscles!! I could not stand straight when I woke..... my skin was blue, there were internal clots. I sprayed a decent amount of Volini and wrapped the darn legs in crepe bandages. It took 3 working days for me to be on my feet fully. In the midst though, I did not miss the pastries or the choco pie or the doughnuts sis brought home to make her injured sibling feel better. See God does nt want me to loose my corpulent self :|

Once I was able to perform my vertical operations perfectly, I resorted to mild exercises. But they were toooo mild to combat the loading rate of chaats, pani puris and veg rolls from the street. I absolutely gorged on street food with a vengeance. I was literally thinking "you @$!@$!% guys tantalised me when I was recovering from Typhoid, now its my turn to decimate you all. I am going to eat you all mwahahahaha". I would be failing in my duty, if I do not mention the tubs of ice cream and soft drinks I devoured. Summers coming in you see :|

I am not a foodie. I know it is difficult to believe this after what I have just written. But honestly, I am not too much into food. I do not give a lot of importance to food. I am very adaptive when it comes to food, have no complains as to the quality or quantity of the same. Food is not something which comes first to my mind. But I am a sinner - am a greedy, gluttonous person, who does not know when to say no when it comes to delicious food :(

Taggity tag by Shylu

Shylu tagged me with a real special one. This is how it goes..

1.A writeup on a kind gesture that someone had done for you which left you speechless
Yes there is one person whom I am indebted to for the kind of support she has given to me. Let me call her S. She was my roomie in Kolkatta where I started my professional career with more lows than highs. Every single thing was wrong including the Vaastu of the place I stayed in. And the only good thing there was dear S. I dunno what made her trust me so much and help me so much over a period of just 5 days. Yes in 5 days time, she was helping me with my studies ( I was preparing for IAS exams then :( A long lost dream :( ) , tending to my eating and also helping me with my work. She was helping me not only in doing the same so that I could get home quick and resume studies but also advising me on steps to take. I am not sure, I have been mothered by no one else but my mom. I usually put up a very independent and stoic stand though I might be weak kneed. Yet I allowed her to take care of me and guide me. Undoubtedly when she took a transfer to Hyd I was devastated. But our relationship continued beyond that. She was there helping me inspite of the distances, travelling long hours to be with me when I attended couple of interviews. She was like a family member..... I truly will be never be able to repay you lh. Her kindness still has me speechless......

2.Indebted to someone lifelong..who??
Who else but my mom. I cannot thank her enough for being what she has been to me - as I keep saying, she is the air that I breathe. She has been my role model ever since I remember maybe. I always wanted to be someone like her. As I grew I did see lapses in her, and improved on them myself. But the best thing I always owe to her is her listening. She always listens to me and understands me. I believe many a times when I jabber on about work, about technical stuffs (trust me I do talk to her about resource crunch and estimation flaws) and about emotional upheavals - she listens. She listens to no matter what I am talking about. And because she listens, she understands and then she supports and advises me. I cannot say in enough words how much she has motivated me constantly. I truly am indebted to her for this one life and many more.

3.Want to say "sorry" to someone..who???
There are many - :) I am sometimes rough in my speech many a times. As I keep saying, I am frank to the extent of being rude. I am strongly opinionated. On top of that I have this quirk to assert my opinion. ( I try to get rid of this - opinion hai to apne paas rakho na. But no - I will voice it aloud!! ) So many a times I have blurted rude facts and am sure I must have hurt a lot of people.

4.Want to say "thank you" to someone ..who??
Thank you - hmmm - this is such a difficult question. There are so many people again I would like to say thank you to...I do keep saying thank you to people all the time. But if I make it like an Oscar receiving speech brace yourself. I would so like to thank Mrs Sharada Chadha who inculcated my love for English - the language way back in school. My uncle - we call him Rocks mama :) for inadvertently instilling in me the voracious reader that I am. Hes a role model, an elder brother I do not have but will never miss having either. Vinnie in college for being the splendid agony aunt she was to me during my NIT days - pity we are hardly in touch with each other now :( Preeti - to whose guidance I owe my first job to - she helped me retain my sanity during those crazy "campus" times where everyone and his brother was going nuts. My manager during my stint in Hyd - he taught me how to "lead" rather than "manage". A boss par excellence. And dear FB - a high grade techo who taught me how to "work" with "passion". I dont have a job which just gives me a living, I enjoy what I do. I owe a lot to what FB taught me - though he taught from a purest of the pure technical perspective, his humanity shone through. Kudos to you. Shylu - you must be repenting asking me this question hai na? This is what happens if you get me started :)

5.And whats your most cherished possession till date??
I will sound very very very materialistic when I say this - but my most cherished possession is my car. Yea - it was always a dream for me. To drive - gives me such a liberated feeling. No haggling with @!#!%$@%# auto drivers. It is not a luxury for me, it is something I always felt I need. We as a family of 3 can travel any where we want without depending on anyone else. If there are guests, there is no need to plan the logistics for going around. Things are so much in place. And being one thing I coaxed out entirely out of my own earnings, I have a very special attachment to it.

6.A special moment in life which brings along a smile every time you think of it.
This is a very tricky question. It should be a special moment, but then it should bring a smile everytime I think of it. I should say it was the span at Delhi with my close friends A and B. It was my first taste of independence, travelling alone, "working" and seeing friendship from a whole new angle. And also the first time we thought we were in love :) Brings a smile when I think how silly we were. We were mature enough not to fall for the school crushes and college interests, but there we drooling over intellect and grave personalities. I still remember how A and I used to sit in the park and get all serious and philosophical munching a packet of Lays :) I did mention in my last post, how we cried the day we were leaving the place :D The age of innocence, thats what it was.


Ab meri baari to tag a few folks : -

Renu
Jack
Nilu
Deeps
and Shylu (you should have done it first!)

Missing and I

No I do not have a mutt named "missing" - this is more about the verb "missing". I think missing is one of my pastimes. I miss many things, people, hobbies, activities, places, soaps, old times - many many things. K used to say I collectively miss stuff. Yea maybe there is some truth in there.

The silliest thing I did in this respect was during my summer internship. That time we were 3 very good friends doing our internship in Delhi. We had one HELL of a time there. I will remember those 45 as one of the mosssssssssssst BEAUTIFUL times A, B and I spent. Sometime maybe I should put a post about our adventures in detail. And when we were finally to wrap up stuff and leave, A and B were travelling by a train at 1400 hours for which they had to leave home at 1200 and I was travelling by a train at 1800 hours for which I was to leave home at 1600 hours. I was to be "alone" for 4 hours. And I cant explain how muchhhhhhh I have cried. And not just me, A and B cried tons too - missing each other, missing the time spent there, missing our shopping sprees , missing our crushes ( 3 of us managed to have crushes ;) ) and God knows what all. And we were crying as if the world was breaking apart while in another 2 weeks time we had to get back to the same college and spend one more good year together :) Heights of silliness- you bet :)

When I used to stay in hostel during my graduation days, I used to start missing home 2 days before I left home back for the hostel. I would eat meals as if I was to be forced into starvation after some days. I would see the delicacies made by mom and morosely state - this is the last time I am having matar paneer. My sis would yell saying cmon you are not going to die, why make a big deal of everything? But then me being the typical me, would mull and sulk over every single thing. That would be the case every single time during my trips from home to hostel and went forward even when I got working.

During my working days when I used to stay in an apartment with other folks from the same field, I saw a lot of transitions. As is in vogue in software culture, I saw a lot of people moving in and moving out of the apartment. And boy o boy, if someone close to me was moving out, I would be too sad. I would imagine, how lonely I would be without the person, how I would miss my friend and I would go on and on thinking about all the good times.For that matter, when I moved out of Hyderabad (a place I louve and miss till date :D ) to be with K, I missed my roomies sooo much. I remember stepping into the house and K giving me the biggest bear hug in the world and I started wailing! He was aghast! Then mega pissed when I said I am missing my roomie :) I think I called her many times and only when she said she was shopping in Charminar that I felt relieved and better. We both have moved on a lot, and I still do miss her a lot :) :)

Even before making my trips to Bbsr to my parents place, I would start missing K and my colleagues and lunch mates!! some 3-4 days before :) Yes yes, silly again , but then thats typically me. So one can imagine with this streak what a ruckus I might have raised before K was slated to leave India. I used to miss him so much before he started. I would miss him and cry silently and then gradually increase the decibel level :) K being K would start at his comforting best but then would go on to being peeved and then the pitch would increase to pure lambasting. Even now there are pangs when I miss him a lot. But then its not as bad as I had imagined it to be. I have no idea when I can see him again, it can be something as close to 3 months and as far as a year. But one thing I am very certain of, this phase will teach me a lot- like all difficult times have. I will be conditioned to face many more ravages that life and time might throw.

When Logic fails

I somehow had to put this down inspite of facing a major time crunch. I am full of so many thoughts, that I just had to get it out of my system.

Things are not very upbeat on the work front. There are still numerous questions at work for which there is no resolution in sight. I have brought upon me a certain amount of uncertainty by taking some decisions. Its more like I have tossed a route where everything seemed predictable if not challenging and have forced myself into a scenario where everything could change for the worse. But then you never know whats beyond the door until you cross the threshold. And that is what propels me to go on. In spite of all the quandaries, in spite of everything that is so secure now going to the dumps, I have taken a chance and now there is no turning back. Unsure of anything I have prayed incessantly. I read an interesting piece in TOI which said, when God does not answer your prayers, that IS His answer. Somehow it seemed to make a lot of sense, and maybe the meaning will fall into place, only when I see the bigger picture with the passage of time.

On top of that, the developments at K's work place have been such that, we might need to be away from each other for a longish period of time. I have put myself in doldrums with respect to the work front by calling upon some changes rather than going on the beaten track, so I would not be in a position to accompany him. Each time as I mentally prepare myself for our period of being away, I am intimidated by the times that are to come. I am sure I would need all the support from K and I also know that this is the time I should be most supportive of K. But, sometimes logic fails. And I see myself wallowing in self pity and depression. At times, I blame K for bringing this upon us, which then brings in another bout of anxiety, fights and another guilt trip. I know its no ones fault, they are just tough times which are meant to pass, but then wish this logical state of mind always remains. The thought of how times might be without him, make me feel too sad, while at other times I feel, its just the forethought that makes one imagine the worse case scenario. Once the phase starts, it will not be as bad as we imagine. But the thought of not having his messy clothes around, not scolding him for doing the chores that he forgets to do, attending family functions without him beside me and generally not feeling his aura in the same city, makes me feel listless. My friend S who is in the same state says, it passes, we only need to fight the bad mood days :) Hope its as easy as you make it seem to be. I am sure, K too has his doubts and emotions but he chooses to keep them to himself.....

My friend A unknowingly has been a source of a lot of strength. She and I think very alike, and somehow during my random rants with her, I get a lot of positive energy. I am sure once K leaves, I am doing to keep bugging her a lot. I know I will get something or the other to occupy me and of course there will be books. And I know of so many couples who have been apart for longer times. For that matter my parents, both being in government service at one time, had nearly 10 years away from each other. I do not know how they managed it, but I will have to buck up and take up the challenge.........

Chalo tag karte hain

Renu tagged me, well I caught it late, and here is my work product :)


1. What is your current obsession?
Getting the stuff at work right

2. What are you wearing today?
Skirt and T shirt

3. What’s for dinner?
Poha - K wanted something light

4. What’s the last thing you bought?
Veggies for the weekend :)

5. What are you listening to right now?
Dil to bachcha hai jiii (Hmmm....)

6. What do you think about the person who tagged you?
Someone who has her ethics and morals strongly ingrained but still does not seem like an anachronism. She is grounded in the values of the past but has the outlook of the present generation. She says I am a lot like her :) which does make me very happy!

7. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
I would chooooooooose......... Hmmmm place does nt matter. Home is where the heart it. Give it to me anywhere I will re model it to make it "mine".

8. What are your must-have pieces for summer?
Patialas and Kurtas

9. If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
Would go to a the Ayush massage center in the next street. The neck, shoulder and back have been complaining and I yearn for a massage. Never managed the time for it :(

10. Which language do you want to learn?
Phew! Not Tamil :) Ignorance is bliss and I want to continue that state. (No offense please please pretty pleaseee)

11. What’s your favourite quote?
"Life is what happens when you are busy making plans " :D

12. Who do you want to meet right now?
Honestly speaking - no one. Prefer to be alone in this corner typing away like crazy.

13. What is your favourite colour?
Blue :)

14. Give us 3 styling tips that work for you.
Remember your body shape - clothes should highlight the good parts and shade off the not so good ones
Pay attention to the shoes
Dont go overboard with the makeup kit

15. What is your dream job?
IAS officer

16. What’s your favorite magazine?
Reader's Digest

17. If you had $100 now, what would you spend it on?
Hmmm.. $100 would not make a humongous change, even I would give it in charity

18. What do you consider a fashion faux pas?
The same color all over the place or lotsa prints on one single person. Hate to see people wearing a floral print kurta with a striped salwar etc - but trust me people do that. And yes atrocious color combis - dark blue shirt with brown trouser is so not cool and so is orange shirt with khaki green trousers. I could go on about the weirdest color combis I have seen :)

19. Who according to you is the most over-rated style icon?
Rekha :) in India.

20. What kind of haircut do you prefer?
Haha on myself, I just have it tied in a pony thanks to the frizzy curly unruly nature of them. Worn the same style for close to a decade now :( Since I get to do nothing with my hair, I dont mind how they are on any one else either. :) Somehow hate very short hair on women. They give me a feeling of having been tonsured in some asylum a tere naam style and sent back to civilisation. (Again noooo offense please - ladies who mite be having their hair till their ears. I was just being "frank" :( )

21. What are you going to do after this?
Cooking and drying the clothes

22. What are your favourite movies?
There are a whole lot - Amar Akbar Anthony comes bang to my mind somehow!

23. What inspires you?
My moms words.

24. What do your friends call you most commonly?
Cherrie, Amu

25. Would you prefer coffee or tea?
What an absurd question - tea beats coffee handsssss down.

26. What do you do when you are feeling low or terribly depressed?
Call mom, pray, talk to God, talk to K, get scolded by him as he continues his "advise express", cry and of course - go to sleep. Sleep is therapeutic for me!

27. What makes you go wild?
Wild in the bad way - into a fit of rage - room freshner which instinctively triggers a fit of sneezing.
Wild in the good way - the very thought of travelling somewhere, anywhere :)

28. Which other blogs do you love visiting?
All those in my blogroll :)

29. Favorite Dessert/Sweet?
Fruit salad

30. How many tabs are turned on in ur browser right now?
5

31. Favorite Season?
Winterrrrrrrrrrrr

32. If I come to your house now, what would u cook for me?
Matar paneer, poori and kheer. Okay? You want anything more heavy?

33. What is the right way to avoid people who purposefully hurt you?
Huh well.... I am very thick skinned at this one. I purposefully do not get hurt and more or less ignore or become nonchalant to such people. Trust me nothing irritates them more and they give up their efforts sooner or later.

34. What are you afraid of the most?
Lizards :(

35. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
I got biggggggggggg darrrrrrrrrrk circles around my eyes :(

36. What brings a smile on your face instantly??
Thanks to K I would give the answer as "K's imitation of Eric Cartman from Southpark "

37. A word that you say a lot?
Just a word - Ahan


38. What would you do if you were made President of India for one day?
See the entire Rashtrapati Bhawan hehe - A Paa style :)

39. What is that one thing that keeps you going.
Mom always says "Ganapati is watching us, He is never unjust." I live by it.

40. Whats one thing that you used to love that you left
Watching movies. Somehow something has ruined the charm of cinema for me :(

Rules for those who are tagged:


Respond and rework – answer these questions on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own, and add one more question to the list. Then tag others :)

I tag
Ashma
Shylu
Satish and
Shalom

The one where the phoenix rises

I have always held the legend of the phoenix as something very inspiring. Since the full meaning of it dawned upon me, during some poetry class in school I have always loved the word, the symbols and the allusions pertaining to a phoenix. That mythical creature somehow seemed to be looming large today.
While writing the last post, I was very jittery and depressed. An escalation email first thing in the morning completely bummed me out. I am someone who takes responsibilities very seriously. When someone questions that, I feel cornered.The other day I got on the back foot on seeing the way things were going. And yes there was one big pending thing from my side,which had been nagging me for long time.The period of illness pushed back my schedules majorly and somehow I never got the time nor the stamina to catch up fully till the nth moment. Somehow that one email that day, made me feel betrayed. In spite of the consistent effort, somehow I felt the email questioned my commitment. Rather than steeling myself, I broke down. I cried in anguish and tried to think of worse times in the past when I had been challenged and pushed against the wall. I was not able to summon any will, the fortitude and the calm to rebut.

At length did some sanity sweep in.To prevent any distraction and additional wastage of time, I decided to plain and simple work from home for the coming days. I was amazed how sometimes the best of me comes under trial. I had a short deadline, I was nervous, I was very unhappy, but somehow God showed me the way to get the thing going. At the cost of sounding very melodramatic I must admit, I was able to get rid of the pending chore and that too in time. A bit of delegation helped a lot. By evening the stance of the management seemed strangely positive. Things were gearing up from red to amber at least if not green.

Today at the end of day2, day2 of being this recluse in fire fighting mode, I see light. Yes things are still undone on many fronts, there are question marks on bigger areas, there are issues of a larger nature, but the clear and present danger seems to be taken care of.I love working from home. It gives me just the right balance.When I am too bogged down, simple house work, takes my mind off the problem and helps me clear the clutter, inside my head and from the house. To take a break I move around, actually live in the home so tastefully set together (Weekends hardly make one relish "home" as one gets too busy getting some rest, :| catching up with friends, pursuing some long left book or paying attention to pending household duties) On weekdays when I work from home, I actually stroll around and savor the house when I need a break (No TV, no novels, no snoozing off) . The movements of other residents of the apartment make me realise how many different types of lives are there apart from the standard IT life we face most commonly. Shrill cries of kids returning from school in the afternoon make me long for those frolicsome days. Old people sitting and generally chit chatting make me wonder how I might be when I am like them. And the icing on the cake, the tea I make for myself at 1645!

Hmmmm...well back to ground zero. Immediate concerns are getting ticked off while long term ones - well I prefer not thinking about them. They seem ominous enough but still they can change at any moment into anything - it is not possible to be preemptive enough. Till then as Abhishek says - hum ek jeevan ki prapti karte hain (Let me get a life)

PS. His sarcasm did make me sit up and take notice. And for all your (Jack, Satish, Deeps and DD) concerned comments - Thanks so much!

In the same vein

I am feeling like I felt 2 years back. I thought reading that might make me feel better, but then I saw nothing was worth the while. So to give vent to my pent up feelings or maybe to get some clarity as to what the heck am I thinking, I chose to write this.

Things are seeming all haywire right now and blame it all on the work. Work has kept me more than busy since the last quarter of last year. Illness ruining my speed for nearly 3 weeks added fuel to the fire. I have been bringing work home, I have been running against time to get the stuffs done and even when I am not working its work on my mind. I simply hate the feeling. Even when I am with family, a part of me feels, I should go and get connected. But then the other half things "When duty calls shove it under the carpet (I have a penchant for remembering the wrong idioms :D ) Its very tiring I feel - always walking on the tightrope. The constant dilemma, the guilt (be with family or get to what gives you your daily bread.) I prefer the easy ways of life, when things are under control. Who wants to drive in top gear and feel jittery all the way?

Somehow this time also, I happened to read a piece in the Times of India, which stated how work defined the existence and identity of so many Indians. I completely concurred with the content. Work does not make us. There is more to us than what we do to earn. But then is there more to us than what we do for some good 10-12 hours everyday? It is so difficult to etch another self from the one which takes up so much time, energy and commitment!

For quite a while things at work - this thing that pre dominates our lives have been so uncertain. The worse part is, not only for me, but for K too. Both of us would have simply loved to continue what we were doing for as long as we can. But, there seems to be something different planned - and the plan is still nebulous for both of us. Not only us, there are people around us who are also in a state of flux. The team structures which both of us have become so attached (or rather used) to is on the brink of a mammoth change - and not all change is always for the good :S. With so many winds blowing, we are not even sure which terrain to align ourselves to. And if things ultimately remain just the same, I am sure the effort spent thinking and planning is so exhausting, it will seem like a gargantuan waste when its over and done with. I keep praying, asking Him for the way, for a hint. He somehow whispers, it will end up being good, but till then I think we have to summon some underground source of will within us.

Just waiting for the tides to settle down and praying for strength. A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor they say ( At last I remember a decent saying :) ) ...... Hope this ends soon and whatever lies beyond the calm, be the best for us both..... :S