Saturday, May 15, 2010
Here I am
Thank you all for keeping me in your thoughts. Life was topsy turvy to say the least for the past 2 months. And I am not sure if I was liking the chaos or fighting it. Now as I see light at the end of the tunnel, well maybe.... I will be back with a long post in a short while.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Chew this!
After writing that foodie post some days back, its food which keeps coming back to my posts again and again. This time it is food for thought :P
Piper asked some really pertinent questions by asking :-
A question to all my blog buddies. You can answer anonymously, in case you`re uncomfortable. But do answer.
Has marriage killed the girl in you?
Are you more programed, more regulated in your thoughts and deeds?
Or are you simply calmer? Assuaged?
Are you still in love?
Or are you simply loving? Caring, fond and loyal..?
What does marriage do to you?
I am tempted to answer all these questions in the ulti professional way, cos these questions are so pin pointed and concise. I somehow love such questions; if day in and out, we had conversations which were so precise, wow! The world would have so much more clarity :) I know I am digressing and should get back to the work at hand.
Has marriage changed me - I will say No. Marriage has changed not changed my personality, but marriage has changed my responses to stimuli. I still think the same way I used to - it never did achieve killing the girl within me - the methodical, practical, stubborn, temperamental girl within me. Let me explain how marriage changed my responses with an instance. I still connect with my family and friends like I always used to, but then many a times if K is around, I know I chose who deserves my attention first. There have been times when for some chore, I have asked my parents or my friends to call in later. I would not have done the same during my spinster days, because there would be nothing more important my family or friends needing me. So though I am the same, the way I respond to the same things are different, because I am in a different set of circumstances right now.
In the same way, programmed I never was to do anything. I take small logical steps one at a time, and that is precisely what I still do. But now, its not just me or my personal aspirations or wishes I have to consider when I think of any issue. There is always K and mil, who are in the purview. They are an extension of me now and I cannot take absolutely any stand on anything without considering how it might affect them and how they might feel about it. It does not curtail me, because I regard them as an integral part of me. Same way, I know I come in their thoughts and actions. In this respect I should say, I am in no way calmer than I was before. Many a times rather to accommodate especially how K thinks, results in arguments and fights - but then that's what keeps the party going :)
I personally do not understand love - as in falling in love love. For me love is something unconditional, so it is something I have for my parents, my country, my language, my pets, my friends, for kids(I know I would love them unconditionally when I would have them) . I never fell in or out of love for them, I just love them ever since I remember. I do not understand how one can develop this unconditional emotion for some stranger. My perception of love between couples is - it starts with some emotion which amalgamates itself with many others and forms a complex one which can be summed up as love. As an example, one emotion which brings the partners together might be admiration. A mutual admiration brings the people in question close, enhances communication, and then rises forth into respect, concern so on and so forth. It kinda snowballs into what the world calls love. Same way, it could be empathy. Its very easy for two people under similar circumstances to understand each other and connect at a deeper level. And down the line, the connections that build up, yea thats love. I believe, every event of falling in love can be drawn back to some tangible emotion or some more understandable situation.With K and I, it was friendship. He was a friend for me when I was passing through one of the worst phases of my life, and same was I for him. We were uninhibited in our friendship cos we had the assurance that we understood each other completely. Inspite of the thick friendship we had, when K proposed, I had a whole lot of doubt whether to convert such a lovely friendship into a complicated relationship. But then during the 6 months, that I kept him waiting, I saw, he was serious enough to take my responsibility and I was important enough for him to wait. As per me, even though I had dismissed him , it was his advise that I needed , his words that comforted me, his support that I seeked. We both had a good support system of family and friends, but it was each other we sought - we had allowed an innocent friendship and mutual trust and respect to gather itself into love - the unconditional forever and ever kinda love. It might sound clinical, but then I still feel, its upon us whether we want to fall in love or not. Its upon us whether we cross the line and surrender our self to another individual. That is the very reason why arranged marriages work. And that is how love works everywhere. And yes Now I say - I am in Love , truly, deeply (I would not say madly, cos with how logical I am being - I would nt be mad :D ) and unconditionally.
If I sum up what marriage does to me, it would be marriage gives me a cause to make better. Make everything better, myself, my career, my personality, my home, my husband. Women are driven by the emotion (I think I read this in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) that if something works, it can work better. Marriage makes me work harder on that. Being a spinster, yes I used to work hard to improve my state, but to what end could I be driven? I would reach the zenith too easily. My radar would encompass me, my parents and my sister to the max. Now its my paternal home, my own home, my mil, and in the future our kids and theirs. The reason we both struggle to make it better is for each other, and for our combined future. That drive would never come if one is alone. And marriage does ensure that I am able to experience every possible emotion that God ever created. The depths of depression I feel when K and I fight would have never been in my life if it wasn't for marriage. Same way, the throes of exuberance I feel when he hugs me when hes back from office would not have been there in my life if it wasn't for marriage. Tension, love, planning, budget, family, career,life,holidays - every single thing I can think of has a different meaning thanks to wedlock. Believe it, this is coming from someone who was more or less a feminist till high school and never understood the efficacy of marriage. For me, back then it was just a gateway to loose ones individuality and take in a whole lot of trouble. But now I understand, there is more than just meets the eye. I don't say, life cant be lived alone. There are many who do lead it alone, due to various factors, and I applaud their ability to pull it off. But if one happens to be married, I don't think its a laddoo one repents eating, the laddoo is worth every bite, but each bite is not guaranteed to be sweet :D
Ps. This post is specially for Piper, and girl awesome questions there. I could never have such profound ideas. I always wanted to write about marriage, but there was so much in my head, I could never figure out where to start and where to end. You gave me direction.
Ashu,Jack,Renu, I would love if you would pen your 2 pints.
My post was entirely on personal experience and what I have seen in my limited scope. I know there are broken homes and utterly mismatched couples, I have a very close relative who has separated. If this post seemed totally skewed towards a rosy picture, my apologies for not having thought enough. And if I did not make any sense at alllll..... well thats me thinking aloud again, I might have uttered gibberish :D
Piper asked some really pertinent questions by asking :-
A question to all my blog buddies. You can answer anonymously, in case you`re uncomfortable. But do answer.
Has marriage killed the girl in you?
Are you more programed, more regulated in your thoughts and deeds?
Or are you simply calmer? Assuaged?
Are you still in love?
Or are you simply loving? Caring, fond and loyal..?
What does marriage do to you?
I am tempted to answer all these questions in the ulti professional way, cos these questions are so pin pointed and concise. I somehow love such questions; if day in and out, we had conversations which were so precise, wow! The world would have so much more clarity :) I know I am digressing and should get back to the work at hand.
Has marriage changed me - I will say No. Marriage has changed not changed my personality, but marriage has changed my responses to stimuli. I still think the same way I used to - it never did achieve killing the girl within me - the methodical, practical, stubborn, temperamental girl within me. Let me explain how marriage changed my responses with an instance. I still connect with my family and friends like I always used to, but then many a times if K is around, I know I chose who deserves my attention first. There have been times when for some chore, I have asked my parents or my friends to call in later. I would not have done the same during my spinster days, because there would be nothing more important my family or friends needing me. So though I am the same, the way I respond to the same things are different, because I am in a different set of circumstances right now.
In the same way, programmed I never was to do anything. I take small logical steps one at a time, and that is precisely what I still do. But now, its not just me or my personal aspirations or wishes I have to consider when I think of any issue. There is always K and mil, who are in the purview. They are an extension of me now and I cannot take absolutely any stand on anything without considering how it might affect them and how they might feel about it. It does not curtail me, because I regard them as an integral part of me. Same way, I know I come in their thoughts and actions. In this respect I should say, I am in no way calmer than I was before. Many a times rather to accommodate especially how K thinks, results in arguments and fights - but then that's what keeps the party going :)
I personally do not understand love - as in falling in love love. For me love is something unconditional, so it is something I have for my parents, my country, my language, my pets, my friends, for kids(I know I would love them unconditionally when I would have them) . I never fell in or out of love for them, I just love them ever since I remember. I do not understand how one can develop this unconditional emotion for some stranger. My perception of love between couples is - it starts with some emotion which amalgamates itself with many others and forms a complex one which can be summed up as love. As an example, one emotion which brings the partners together might be admiration. A mutual admiration brings the people in question close, enhances communication, and then rises forth into respect, concern so on and so forth. It kinda snowballs into what the world calls love. Same way, it could be empathy. Its very easy for two people under similar circumstances to understand each other and connect at a deeper level. And down the line, the connections that build up, yea thats love. I believe, every event of falling in love can be drawn back to some tangible emotion or some more understandable situation.With K and I, it was friendship. He was a friend for me when I was passing through one of the worst phases of my life, and same was I for him. We were uninhibited in our friendship cos we had the assurance that we understood each other completely. Inspite of the thick friendship we had, when K proposed, I had a whole lot of doubt whether to convert such a lovely friendship into a complicated relationship. But then during the 6 months, that I kept him waiting, I saw, he was serious enough to take my responsibility and I was important enough for him to wait. As per me, even though I had dismissed him , it was his advise that I needed , his words that comforted me, his support that I seeked. We both had a good support system of family and friends, but it was each other we sought - we had allowed an innocent friendship and mutual trust and respect to gather itself into love - the unconditional forever and ever kinda love. It might sound clinical, but then I still feel, its upon us whether we want to fall in love or not. Its upon us whether we cross the line and surrender our self to another individual. That is the very reason why arranged marriages work. And that is how love works everywhere. And yes Now I say - I am in Love , truly, deeply (I would not say madly, cos with how logical I am being - I would nt be mad :D ) and unconditionally.
If I sum up what marriage does to me, it would be marriage gives me a cause to make better. Make everything better, myself, my career, my personality, my home, my husband. Women are driven by the emotion (I think I read this in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) that if something works, it can work better. Marriage makes me work harder on that. Being a spinster, yes I used to work hard to improve my state, but to what end could I be driven? I would reach the zenith too easily. My radar would encompass me, my parents and my sister to the max. Now its my paternal home, my own home, my mil, and in the future our kids and theirs. The reason we both struggle to make it better is for each other, and for our combined future. That drive would never come if one is alone. And marriage does ensure that I am able to experience every possible emotion that God ever created. The depths of depression I feel when K and I fight would have never been in my life if it wasn't for marriage. Same way, the throes of exuberance I feel when he hugs me when hes back from office would not have been there in my life if it wasn't for marriage. Tension, love, planning, budget, family, career,life,holidays - every single thing I can think of has a different meaning thanks to wedlock. Believe it, this is coming from someone who was more or less a feminist till high school and never understood the efficacy of marriage. For me, back then it was just a gateway to loose ones individuality and take in a whole lot of trouble. But now I understand, there is more than just meets the eye. I don't say, life cant be lived alone. There are many who do lead it alone, due to various factors, and I applaud their ability to pull it off. But if one happens to be married, I don't think its a laddoo one repents eating, the laddoo is worth every bite, but each bite is not guaranteed to be sweet :D
Ps. This post is specially for Piper, and girl awesome questions there. I could never have such profound ideas. I always wanted to write about marriage, but there was so much in my head, I could never figure out where to start and where to end. You gave me direction.
Ashu,Jack,Renu, I would love if you would pen your 2 pints.
My post was entirely on personal experience and what I have seen in my limited scope. I know there are broken homes and utterly mismatched couples, I have a very close relative who has separated. If this post seemed totally skewed towards a rosy picture, my apologies for not having thought enough. And if I did not make any sense at alllll..... well thats me thinking aloud again, I might have uttered gibberish :D
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Fighting the demons within
20 is a very important number for me - for personal landmarks. I got married on a 20th, I joined the firm which brought me back to K on the 20th and I complete 2 years with the same firm today on the 20th. It was on the 20th of last month that K left India. Its been a month! And I have had my shares of downs and not so downs :)
Somehow the lack of any friends or family in Chennai used to make me feel very jittery about K not being there with me. I used to live the emptiness before he left so that I get used to it. It was a futile exercise. The logical half of my mind did assert that I was wasting precious time which I could have with K. But then the pessimistic me used to think, better get used to things and live the reality that is gonna be there in some days. And things were such that, before his travel, we had 3 weeks just to ourselves. Mil acts as a balancing factor in the house. Her presence keeps us guided and grounded. Without her, we lost our tempers more easily, got distraught more quickly and completely drove the other person against the wall frequently. But then, us being us, we would patch up sooner than we fought and the Sorrys and "will miss you too"s and hugs would flow with equal ease later on. It was a big turmoil with everything uncertain and the only thing keeping us afloat being hope. We were not sure, whether to voice our concerns and discuss everything or not address some facts and be in denial till we could. Because discussing some tricky points might just make both of us feel more diffident and wary without the company and the support of the other. How we passed through those days is still a blur to me. Now its a fact that I am somehow coping without my bebe and hes somehow coping without his bunny.
I am not sure, how he manages to keep his sanity and his balance in the trying times that he is through. Work is jam packed for him and he has the company of some real good people. He does miss me, but he does'nt admit it. But I know exactly how I am faring. The day times zap through with cooking, walk, getting to work and getting work done occupying me completely. I am trying some changes on the work front; things are yet to move, but the struggle keeps me occupied. Many a times, in the midst of it all, when I suddenly feel a pang of dejection, I feel really lost. Those are the times I need K the most. At home its books and some other reading that keep me really busy. But then its just an attempt to fight the demons within. The demons of lonesomeness and pessimism. Many a times, I get into this mode when I imagine the worse case scenario. It is not a pleasant feeling at all and then I get bogged down by a million and one negative thoughts. Sometimes when someone else comes up and tells me their sad story, I simply am not able to think anything hopeful. I start feeling grumpy for the person in question and start pitying myself. I hate doing that, but that is the only thing I end up doing.
But then there are the other times, when I see everything through rose tinted glasses. I see everything falling into place, just as we hope. An all win scenario when everything at stake goes our way. It peps me up to no end. The optimist in me rises to the occasion and then grabs all the things that can be accomplished when the adrenaline rush continues. Those moments are simply great. I am at my best with K, I instill faith in my near and dear ones that I am doing great. I would love my mom not to sense my actual state of mind all the time. I wish she always felt I am doing good. But then shes a mom and a great mom at that with some Extra Sensory Perception. She happens to call me exactly when I am not so ok and does a remarkable job in making me feel better. Really its been to her divine strength that I get the will to move on - to think beyond the limitations. My darling sis, keeps talking to me as if shes my beau. She talks about normal stuff and silly things to keep me upbeat. I cannot speak enough about the efforts they are making to make me not fall into the pits of negativity.
Its a constant oscillation and an emotional roller coaster - hope to see the end of this phase soon. As dearest S my friend keeps telling me everytime I start on this sob story - This too will pass.
PS. S - thank you.
Somehow the lack of any friends or family in Chennai used to make me feel very jittery about K not being there with me. I used to live the emptiness before he left so that I get used to it. It was a futile exercise. The logical half of my mind did assert that I was wasting precious time which I could have with K. But then the pessimistic me used to think, better get used to things and live the reality that is gonna be there in some days. And things were such that, before his travel, we had 3 weeks just to ourselves. Mil acts as a balancing factor in the house. Her presence keeps us guided and grounded. Without her, we lost our tempers more easily, got distraught more quickly and completely drove the other person against the wall frequently. But then, us being us, we would patch up sooner than we fought and the Sorrys and "will miss you too"s and hugs would flow with equal ease later on. It was a big turmoil with everything uncertain and the only thing keeping us afloat being hope. We were not sure, whether to voice our concerns and discuss everything or not address some facts and be in denial till we could. Because discussing some tricky points might just make both of us feel more diffident and wary without the company and the support of the other. How we passed through those days is still a blur to me. Now its a fact that I am somehow coping without my bebe and hes somehow coping without his bunny.
I am not sure, how he manages to keep his sanity and his balance in the trying times that he is through. Work is jam packed for him and he has the company of some real good people. He does miss me, but he does'nt admit it. But I know exactly how I am faring. The day times zap through with cooking, walk, getting to work and getting work done occupying me completely. I am trying some changes on the work front; things are yet to move, but the struggle keeps me occupied. Many a times, in the midst of it all, when I suddenly feel a pang of dejection, I feel really lost. Those are the times I need K the most. At home its books and some other reading that keep me really busy. But then its just an attempt to fight the demons within. The demons of lonesomeness and pessimism. Many a times, I get into this mode when I imagine the worse case scenario. It is not a pleasant feeling at all and then I get bogged down by a million and one negative thoughts. Sometimes when someone else comes up and tells me their sad story, I simply am not able to think anything hopeful. I start feeling grumpy for the person in question and start pitying myself. I hate doing that, but that is the only thing I end up doing.
But then there are the other times, when I see everything through rose tinted glasses. I see everything falling into place, just as we hope. An all win scenario when everything at stake goes our way. It peps me up to no end. The optimist in me rises to the occasion and then grabs all the things that can be accomplished when the adrenaline rush continues. Those moments are simply great. I am at my best with K, I instill faith in my near and dear ones that I am doing great. I would love my mom not to sense my actual state of mind all the time. I wish she always felt I am doing good. But then shes a mom and a great mom at that with some Extra Sensory Perception. She happens to call me exactly when I am not so ok and does a remarkable job in making me feel better. Really its been to her divine strength that I get the will to move on - to think beyond the limitations. My darling sis, keeps talking to me as if shes my beau. She talks about normal stuff and silly things to keep me upbeat. I cannot speak enough about the efforts they are making to make me not fall into the pits of negativity.
Its a constant oscillation and an emotional roller coaster - hope to see the end of this phase soon. As dearest S my friend keeps telling me everytime I start on this sob story - This too will pass.
PS. S - thank you.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Return of the sinner
Last time I had gone to Bhubaneswar, I met this. I never got to savor the usual tastes, sights and sounds of my home town which I love so much.
This time the day K left for his overseas assignment, I left the day following to my parents place. (Yea I am a bit of an escapist and a procrastinator. I wanted to escape the immediate vacuum of K not being there, and fill it up with my family people. And I wanted to postpone the facet of missing him for a couple of weeks at least. My manager God bless that dear soul, was graceful enough, to agree that I work from Bhubaneswar for 2 weeks).
This time, the transit was very different. I was having mixed emotions over leaving for my parents home on one hand and feeling the absence of K. And since he was also in transit at that time, I did not have to send the usual messages to him of having reached the airport, having boarded the flight and reached safely. But the moment I reached Bhubaneswar, the warmth I felt was enormous, enough to make me be in a trance. As soon as I reached home, there was moms amazingly tasty chicken curry! It just enhanced the trance I was experiencing. (Am I sounding like Mr. Nityananda. Please excuse the very poor joke I tried there :D ) Inspite of the lunch in the flight, I could not resist having one big helping of the curry with rice and dal. Little did I know, that was the start of my favourite sin - YES - Gluttony!
I broke all barriers and ate, ate and ATE! Not just that day, for the 16 and a half days that followed. The next day was a trip to my grandmama's house. Now she too is a cook par excellence. But the pulao and soya chunks curry she had made that day, were extra delicious. My aunt, uncle and their kids had also come over, and she had brought her special sweetdishes too. The table groaned under the weight of the loaded dishes, and I groaned after having stuffed myself like a Thanksgiving turkey. During lunch, since we cousins were pulling the leg of one whos allegedly in "love" (:S Kids are falling in love at a younger age now I feel :S ) I ended up not realising when the food reached the level of my nose. Now to wash it off, I had to recourse to a full glass of coke (which implies some more calories ).
The days that followed saw me gorging on fish curry(after 8 months I think), mutton curry and yes the ultimate prawns! I never got a chance to feel one basic human need - hunger. There was always some or the other dish, savouries and sweet meats available in easy access. One day my aunty assuming, that I would be sad and sulky and missing K too much decided to pep me up. To do so, she cooked dahi vadas, chole,aloo dum,pani puri and Gajar ka halwa and made her son home deliver the same. I ate till I needed assistance getting up from the chair. Trust me, I am not exaggerating. On the 26th of Feb, came the wedding anniversary of my parents, and what better way to celebrate than to Feast. Feast we did on Hyderabadi cuisine.... you get the drift? I would prefer not explaining what happens when people who love food meet Hyderabadi food.
Yes I was gluttonous, but I was not unabashed all the way. Come on K would return one day and I did not want him to see a killer whale having replaced his human though chubby wife. So I decided to step on the stepper. And just like I crossed all limits in eating, that day I did cross the limits trying to burn all the blubber that had accumulated over the course of 6 days. I exercised for some 30 odd minutes at a vigorous pace. The next day, I had such cramps in my calf muscles!! I could not stand straight when I woke..... my skin was blue, there were internal clots. I sprayed a decent amount of Volini and wrapped the darn legs in crepe bandages. It took 3 working days for me to be on my feet fully. In the midst though, I did not miss the pastries or the choco pie or the doughnuts sis brought home to make her injured sibling feel better. See God does nt want me to loose my corpulent self :|
Once I was able to perform my vertical operations perfectly, I resorted to mild exercises. But they were toooo mild to combat the loading rate of chaats, pani puris and veg rolls from the street. I absolutely gorged on street food with a vengeance. I was literally thinking "you @$!@$!% guys tantalised me when I was recovering from Typhoid, now its my turn to decimate you all. I am going to eat you all mwahahahaha". I would be failing in my duty, if I do not mention the tubs of ice cream and soft drinks I devoured. Summers coming in you see :|
I am not a foodie. I know it is difficult to believe this after what I have just written. But honestly, I am not too much into food. I do not give a lot of importance to food. I am very adaptive when it comes to food, have no complains as to the quality or quantity of the same. Food is not something which comes first to my mind. But I am a sinner - am a greedy, gluttonous person, who does not know when to say no when it comes to delicious food :(
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Taggity tag by Shylu
Shylu tagged me with a real special one. This is how it goes..
1.A writeup on a kind gesture that someone had done for you which left you speechless
Yes there is one person whom I am indebted to for the kind of support she has given to me. Let me call her S. She was my roomie in Kolkatta where I started my professional career with more lows than highs. Every single thing was wrong including the Vaastu of the place I stayed in. And the only good thing there was dear S. I dunno what made her trust me so much and help me so much over a period of just 5 days. Yes in 5 days time, she was helping me with my studies ( I was preparing for IAS exams then :( A long lost dream :( ) , tending to my eating and also helping me with my work. She was helping me not only in doing the same so that I could get home quick and resume studies but also advising me on steps to take. I am not sure, I have been mothered by no one else but my mom. I usually put up a very independent and stoic stand though I might be weak kneed. Yet I allowed her to take care of me and guide me. Undoubtedly when she took a transfer to Hyd I was devastated. But our relationship continued beyond that. She was there helping me inspite of the distances, travelling long hours to be with me when I attended couple of interviews. She was like a family member..... I truly will be never be able to repay you lh. Her kindness still has me speechless......
2.Indebted to someone lifelong..who??
Who else but my mom. I cannot thank her enough for being what she has been to me - as I keep saying, she is the air that I breathe. She has been my role model ever since I remember maybe. I always wanted to be someone like her. As I grew I did see lapses in her, and improved on them myself. But the best thing I always owe to her is her listening. She always listens to me and understands me. I believe many a times when I jabber on about work, about technical stuffs (trust me I do talk to her about resource crunch and estimation flaws) and about emotional upheavals - she listens. She listens to no matter what I am talking about. And because she listens, she understands and then she supports and advises me. I cannot say in enough words how much she has motivated me constantly. I truly am indebted to her for this one life and many more.
3.Want to say "sorry" to someone..who???
There are many - :) I am sometimes rough in my speech many a times. As I keep saying, I am frank to the extent of being rude. I am strongly opinionated. On top of that I have this quirk to assert my opinion. ( I try to get rid of this - opinion hai to apne paas rakho na. But no - I will voice it aloud!! ) So many a times I have blurted rude facts and am sure I must have hurt a lot of people.
4.Want to say "thank you" to someone ..who??
Thank you - hmmm - this is such a difficult question. There are so many people again I would like to say thank you to...I do keep saying thank you to people all the time. But if I make it like an Oscar receiving speech brace yourself. I would so like to thank Mrs Sharada Chadha who inculcated my love for English - the language way back in school. My uncle - we call him Rocks mama :) for inadvertently instilling in me the voracious reader that I am. Hes a role model, an elder brother I do not have but will never miss having either. Vinnie in college for being the splendid agony aunt she was to me during my NIT days - pity we are hardly in touch with each other now :( Preeti - to whose guidance I owe my first job to - she helped me retain my sanity during those crazy "campus" times where everyone and his brother was going nuts. My manager during my stint in Hyd - he taught me how to "lead" rather than "manage". A boss par excellence. And dear FB - a high grade techo who taught me how to "work" with "passion". I dont have a job which just gives me a living, I enjoy what I do. I owe a lot to what FB taught me - though he taught from a purest of the pure technical perspective, his humanity shone through. Kudos to you. Shylu - you must be repenting asking me this question hai na? This is what happens if you get me started :)
5.And whats your most cherished possession till date??
I will sound very very very materialistic when I say this - but my most cherished possession is my car. Yea - it was always a dream for me. To drive - gives me such a liberated feeling. No haggling with @!#!%$@%# auto drivers. It is not a luxury for me, it is something I always felt I need. We as a family of 3 can travel any where we want without depending on anyone else. If there are guests, there is no need to plan the logistics for going around. Things are so much in place. And being one thing I coaxed out entirely out of my own earnings, I have a very special attachment to it.
6.A special moment in life which brings along a smile every time you think of it.
This is a very tricky question. It should be a special moment, but then it should bring a smile everytime I think of it. I should say it was the span at Delhi with my close friends A and B. It was my first taste of independence, travelling alone, "working" and seeing friendship from a whole new angle. And also the first time we thought we were in love :) Brings a smile when I think how silly we were. We were mature enough not to fall for the school crushes and college interests, but there we drooling over intellect and grave personalities. I still remember how A and I used to sit in the park and get all serious and philosophical munching a packet of Lays :) I did mention in my last post, how we cried the day we were leaving the place :D The age of innocence, thats what it was.
Ab meri baari to tag a few folks : -
Renu
Jack
Nilu
Deeps
and Shylu (you should have done it first!)
1.A writeup on a kind gesture that someone had done for you which left you speechless
Yes there is one person whom I am indebted to for the kind of support she has given to me. Let me call her S. She was my roomie in Kolkatta where I started my professional career with more lows than highs. Every single thing was wrong including the Vaastu of the place I stayed in. And the only good thing there was dear S. I dunno what made her trust me so much and help me so much over a period of just 5 days. Yes in 5 days time, she was helping me with my studies ( I was preparing for IAS exams then :( A long lost dream :( ) , tending to my eating and also helping me with my work. She was helping me not only in doing the same so that I could get home quick and resume studies but also advising me on steps to take. I am not sure, I have been mothered by no one else but my mom. I usually put up a very independent and stoic stand though I might be weak kneed. Yet I allowed her to take care of me and guide me. Undoubtedly when she took a transfer to Hyd I was devastated. But our relationship continued beyond that. She was there helping me inspite of the distances, travelling long hours to be with me when I attended couple of interviews. She was like a family member..... I truly will be never be able to repay you lh. Her kindness still has me speechless......
2.Indebted to someone lifelong..who??
Who else but my mom. I cannot thank her enough for being what she has been to me - as I keep saying, she is the air that I breathe. She has been my role model ever since I remember maybe. I always wanted to be someone like her. As I grew I did see lapses in her, and improved on them myself. But the best thing I always owe to her is her listening. She always listens to me and understands me. I believe many a times when I jabber on about work, about technical stuffs (trust me I do talk to her about resource crunch and estimation flaws) and about emotional upheavals - she listens. She listens to no matter what I am talking about. And because she listens, she understands and then she supports and advises me. I cannot say in enough words how much she has motivated me constantly. I truly am indebted to her for this one life and many more.
3.Want to say "sorry" to someone..who???
There are many - :) I am sometimes rough in my speech many a times. As I keep saying, I am frank to the extent of being rude. I am strongly opinionated. On top of that I have this quirk to assert my opinion. ( I try to get rid of this - opinion hai to apne paas rakho na. But no - I will voice it aloud!! ) So many a times I have blurted rude facts and am sure I must have hurt a lot of people.
4.Want to say "thank you" to someone ..who??
Thank you - hmmm - this is such a difficult question. There are so many people again I would like to say thank you to...I do keep saying thank you to people all the time. But if I make it like an Oscar receiving speech brace yourself. I would so like to thank Mrs Sharada Chadha who inculcated my love for English - the language way back in school. My uncle - we call him Rocks mama :) for inadvertently instilling in me the voracious reader that I am. Hes a role model, an elder brother I do not have but will never miss having either. Vinnie in college for being the splendid agony aunt she was to me during my NIT days - pity we are hardly in touch with each other now :( Preeti - to whose guidance I owe my first job to - she helped me retain my sanity during those crazy "campus" times where everyone and his brother was going nuts. My manager during my stint in Hyd - he taught me how to "lead" rather than "manage". A boss par excellence. And dear FB - a high grade techo who taught me how to "work" with "passion". I dont have a job which just gives me a living, I enjoy what I do. I owe a lot to what FB taught me - though he taught from a purest of the pure technical perspective, his humanity shone through. Kudos to you. Shylu - you must be repenting asking me this question hai na? This is what happens if you get me started :)
5.And whats your most cherished possession till date??
I will sound very very very materialistic when I say this - but my most cherished possession is my car. Yea - it was always a dream for me. To drive - gives me such a liberated feeling. No haggling with @!#!%$@%# auto drivers. It is not a luxury for me, it is something I always felt I need. We as a family of 3 can travel any where we want without depending on anyone else. If there are guests, there is no need to plan the logistics for going around. Things are so much in place. And being one thing I coaxed out entirely out of my own earnings, I have a very special attachment to it.
6.A special moment in life which brings along a smile every time you think of it.
This is a very tricky question. It should be a special moment, but then it should bring a smile everytime I think of it. I should say it was the span at Delhi with my close friends A and B. It was my first taste of independence, travelling alone, "working" and seeing friendship from a whole new angle. And also the first time we thought we were in love :) Brings a smile when I think how silly we were. We were mature enough not to fall for the school crushes and college interests, but there we drooling over intellect and grave personalities. I still remember how A and I used to sit in the park and get all serious and philosophical munching a packet of Lays :) I did mention in my last post, how we cried the day we were leaving the place :D The age of innocence, thats what it was.
Ab meri baari to tag a few folks : -
Renu
Jack
Nilu
Deeps
and Shylu (you should have done it first!)
Monday, February 22, 2010
Missing and I
No I do not have a mutt named "missing" - this is more about the verb "missing". I think missing is one of my pastimes. I miss many things, people, hobbies, activities, places, soaps, old times - many many things. K used to say I collectively miss stuff. Yea maybe there is some truth in there.
The silliest thing I did in this respect was during my summer internship. That time we were 3 very good friends doing our internship in Delhi. We had one HELL of a time there. I will remember those 45 as one of the mosssssssssssst BEAUTIFUL times A, B and I spent. Sometime maybe I should put a post about our adventures in detail. And when we were finally to wrap up stuff and leave, A and B were travelling by a train at 1400 hours for which they had to leave home at 1200 and I was travelling by a train at 1800 hours for which I was to leave home at 1600 hours. I was to be "alone" for 4 hours. And I cant explain how muchhhhhhh I have cried. And not just me, A and B cried tons too - missing each other, missing the time spent there, missing our shopping sprees , missing our crushes ( 3 of us managed to have crushes ;) ) and God knows what all. And we were crying as if the world was breaking apart while in another 2 weeks time we had to get back to the same college and spend one more good year together :) Heights of silliness- you bet :)
When I used to stay in hostel during my graduation days, I used to start missing home 2 days before I left home back for the hostel. I would eat meals as if I was to be forced into starvation after some days. I would see the delicacies made by mom and morosely state - this is the last time I am having matar paneer. My sis would yell saying cmon you are not going to die, why make a big deal of everything? But then me being the typical me, would mull and sulk over every single thing. That would be the case every single time during my trips from home to hostel and went forward even when I got working.
During my working days when I used to stay in an apartment with other folks from the same field, I saw a lot of transitions. As is in vogue in software culture, I saw a lot of people moving in and moving out of the apartment. And boy o boy, if someone close to me was moving out, I would be too sad. I would imagine, how lonely I would be without the person, how I would miss my friend and I would go on and on thinking about all the good times.For that matter, when I moved out of Hyderabad (a place I louve and miss till date :D ) to be with K, I missed my roomies sooo much. I remember stepping into the house and K giving me the biggest bear hug in the world and I started wailing! He was aghast! Then mega pissed when I said I am missing my roomie :) I think I called her many times and only when she said she was shopping in Charminar that I felt relieved and better. We both have moved on a lot, and I still do miss her a lot :) :)
Even before making my trips to Bbsr to my parents place, I would start missing K and my colleagues and lunch mates!! some 3-4 days before :) Yes yes, silly again , but then thats typically me. So one can imagine with this streak what a ruckus I might have raised before K was slated to leave India. I used to miss him so much before he started. I would miss him and cry silently and then gradually increase the decibel level :) K being K would start at his comforting best but then would go on to being peeved and then the pitch would increase to pure lambasting. Even now there are pangs when I miss him a lot. But then its not as bad as I had imagined it to be. I have no idea when I can see him again, it can be something as close to 3 months and as far as a year. But one thing I am very certain of, this phase will teach me a lot- like all difficult times have. I will be conditioned to face many more ravages that life and time might throw.
Friday, February 12, 2010
When Logic fails
I somehow had to put this down inspite of facing a major time crunch. I am full of so many thoughts, that I just had to get it out of my system.
Things are not very upbeat on the work front. There are still numerous questions at work for which there is no resolution in sight. I have brought upon me a certain amount of uncertainty by taking some decisions. Its more like I have tossed a route where everything seemed predictable if not challenging and have forced myself into a scenario where everything could change for the worse. But then you never know whats beyond the door until you cross the threshold. And that is what propels me to go on. In spite of all the quandaries, in spite of everything that is so secure now going to the dumps, I have taken a chance and now there is no turning back. Unsure of anything I have prayed incessantly. I read an interesting piece in TOI which said, when God does not answer your prayers, that IS His answer. Somehow it seemed to make a lot of sense, and maybe the meaning will fall into place, only when I see the bigger picture with the passage of time.
On top of that, the developments at K's work place have been such that, we might need to be away from each other for a longish period of time. I have put myself in doldrums with respect to the work front by calling upon some changes rather than going on the beaten track, so I would not be in a position to accompany him. Each time as I mentally prepare myself for our period of being away, I am intimidated by the times that are to come. I am sure I would need all the support from K and I also know that this is the time I should be most supportive of K. But, sometimes logic fails. And I see myself wallowing in self pity and depression. At times, I blame K for bringing this upon us, which then brings in another bout of anxiety, fights and another guilt trip. I know its no ones fault, they are just tough times which are meant to pass, but then wish this logical state of mind always remains. The thought of how times might be without him, make me feel too sad, while at other times I feel, its just the forethought that makes one imagine the worse case scenario. Once the phase starts, it will not be as bad as we imagine. But the thought of not having his messy clothes around, not scolding him for doing the chores that he forgets to do, attending family functions without him beside me and generally not feeling his aura in the same city, makes me feel listless. My friend S who is in the same state says, it passes, we only need to fight the bad mood days :) Hope its as easy as you make it seem to be. I am sure, K too has his doubts and emotions but he chooses to keep them to himself.....
My friend A unknowingly has been a source of a lot of strength. She and I think very alike, and somehow during my random rants with her, I get a lot of positive energy. I am sure once K leaves, I am doing to keep bugging her a lot. I know I will get something or the other to occupy me and of course there will be books. And I know of so many couples who have been apart for longer times. For that matter my parents, both being in government service at one time, had nearly 10 years away from each other. I do not know how they managed it, but I will have to buck up and take up the challenge.........
Things are not very upbeat on the work front. There are still numerous questions at work for which there is no resolution in sight. I have brought upon me a certain amount of uncertainty by taking some decisions. Its more like I have tossed a route where everything seemed predictable if not challenging and have forced myself into a scenario where everything could change for the worse. But then you never know whats beyond the door until you cross the threshold. And that is what propels me to go on. In spite of all the quandaries, in spite of everything that is so secure now going to the dumps, I have taken a chance and now there is no turning back. Unsure of anything I have prayed incessantly. I read an interesting piece in TOI which said, when God does not answer your prayers, that IS His answer. Somehow it seemed to make a lot of sense, and maybe the meaning will fall into place, only when I see the bigger picture with the passage of time.
On top of that, the developments at K's work place have been such that, we might need to be away from each other for a longish period of time. I have put myself in doldrums with respect to the work front by calling upon some changes rather than going on the beaten track, so I would not be in a position to accompany him. Each time as I mentally prepare myself for our period of being away, I am intimidated by the times that are to come. I am sure I would need all the support from K and I also know that this is the time I should be most supportive of K. But, sometimes logic fails. And I see myself wallowing in self pity and depression. At times, I blame K for bringing this upon us, which then brings in another bout of anxiety, fights and another guilt trip. I know its no ones fault, they are just tough times which are meant to pass, but then wish this logical state of mind always remains. The thought of how times might be without him, make me feel too sad, while at other times I feel, its just the forethought that makes one imagine the worse case scenario. Once the phase starts, it will not be as bad as we imagine. But the thought of not having his messy clothes around, not scolding him for doing the chores that he forgets to do, attending family functions without him beside me and generally not feeling his aura in the same city, makes me feel listless. My friend S who is in the same state says, it passes, we only need to fight the bad mood days :) Hope its as easy as you make it seem to be. I am sure, K too has his doubts and emotions but he chooses to keep them to himself.....
My friend A unknowingly has been a source of a lot of strength. She and I think very alike, and somehow during my random rants with her, I get a lot of positive energy. I am sure once K leaves, I am doing to keep bugging her a lot. I know I will get something or the other to occupy me and of course there will be books. And I know of so many couples who have been apart for longer times. For that matter my parents, both being in government service at one time, had nearly 10 years away from each other. I do not know how they managed it, but I will have to buck up and take up the challenge.........
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