No more action

That was the very sensible advice I received from my sister. There has been way too much action... Would put any James Bond and Ethan Hunt put together to shame. 

First we had Pumpki. We had to deal with getting her documents sorted before the trip to India  which involved quite a bit of travel at break neck speed. K moved places. We moved places. We moved countries for a few months when the kids and I got to have a wonderful wondrous Indian summer. Once back there were some major upheavals on the job front. These were reason for much tension, a look out for new job, juggling of kids, some difficult conversations and return to ground zero. 

There was something happening all the time. There was no time to just sit back without something  to analyse, discuss or brainstorm. It was never ending. But there were so many permutations and combinations of cause and effect that it was impossible to let things go. That's when my sister said 'no more action'. She asked me to sit back and let things run their course for once. What's the worst that could happen. And I am so grateful to her for showing me the light. Yes literally, the power to chose is actually an illusion (courtesy The Matrix). So I have decided to sit back and enjoy the show. I have even given up on exercising and counting calories. 

Early in the year we had got a school, denied the school, researched how to apply for a new school and followed up with municipal authorities across counties for a place. Chiyaa started school and as with other changes she did not take to it so well. She used to cry when being sent to school initially. Till now when she has reached a point when she cried when I told her she won't be going to school! Why? Well she has been rather unwell. The usual cough and cold kept bothering her for a week or so till last Friday she was wrecked by fever. The fever got in to a rash that spread across her body along with diarrhoea. There was a perceptible swelling on her face on Sunday which made us reach out to emergency care. The doctor figured it was a bad case of viral infection which had unleashed a full on attack. A fungus joined hands and  caused an infection in her mouth which made eating and drinking a torture for her. She gave us the required meds and we have been seeing a remarkable improvement. So she had been off school for the past two days. 

Talk about I more action and literally  there has been no movement since Friday evening. We are holed up with the television running kiddy shows. Thankfully K had his wfh facilities enabled last week which came as manna from heaven. I wanted inactivity albeit not in this format. I keep thinking of being careful what I ask for. Here is hoping there is peaceful inactivity till the end of the year *fingers crossed *

Receding images

Since this place in the World Wide Web is a repository for anything and everything I write, here is a short story I put forth for a contest.

Uma was the one to leave. Sitting in the rickshaw drawing away from her grandmother's home. Such wonderful memories - the afternoons filled with games, delicious mangoes, scrumptious food - over and over again. A summer vacation that should not end. Those beautiful times overridden by a single image - the lonely figure of her grandmother belittled against the grand arcade, waving her hand. And Uma, waving hers, till the rickshaw bent round the corner and she could not see her beloved grandmother any more. Maybe she kept waving her hand beyond that.... she could still visualise the frail figure in the white sari still waving. As she made the overnight journey back home, routine would take over. How Uma wished, the idyllic vacation carried on. But reality consisted of school, tuitions and exams. One day she would be a grown up and then she would not leave any one. She would always be around the ones she loved, she would do whatever she wanted to do. Isn't that what grown ups did?

But before Uma got there, she had to go through college. A small price to pay for a life of independence. The best college was in another city. Just four years of staying away from family and then everything would be a lot right. Her parents came to drop her at her hostel. She was scared of the strange surroundings. She was petrified. How Uma wished to lie on her mother's lap and keep listening to her father regale them with stories of the day at the university. But she had to get ready and bid them adieu. She went to the bus station. She held on to her mother's outstretched hand till the bus started moving. Then she waved. Kept waving. The bus receded to the size of a match box. She kept waving. She was not sure if she was waving to the bus or to two random rear lights. A sudden breeze brought her back. Four years would pass within the blink of an eye. But the four years would consist of many trips home. Trips to savour her mother's cooking, her father's stories, even see her grandmother who had become even more frail in built. 

Though she missed her parents, through college, she made priceless friends. Friends with whom she could open up. Tell her secrets, share her fears, show her anger and cry her tears. Friends with whom there was no pretence, with whom there was no vested interest. Four years was not long enough to have all the chats, go for all the fun trips, eat in all the roadside stalls. Four years ago with tear filled eyes she had said goodbye to her parents. She was again on the threshold of saying goodbye. Her head out of the window of the bus, she waved. Waved till the friends merged with the trees, till her hands went numb, till her eyes hurt and fell asleep. She would see her parents the next morning. 

College was over. A job beckoned. A bigger separation. A bigger city. Isn't being in a fast city on your own what being grown up is all about? Earning  a living, having fun with new friends, meeting those crucial deadlines and partying till the morning hours. But what about her real dream? Of being close to those few people she really loved. Having those friends around her, with whom she could open up - not people she would just 'hang' out with. Maybe once she had enough money she could have this dream. For then she would not need to work. She could just be - with her parents, her friends, her simple wishes of tea and conversations. 

Though it was naive of her to think so. Of course she had to go on and build a family of her own. She had to get married to the most capable man - qualified, cultured and caring. Just that he did not even live in the same country. The distances seemed to have a way of their own. They kept expanding. Earlier she could touch and see her family as she moved on. Standing in the departure lounge of the massive airport, she was separated by ropes from her parents. She held on to their finger tips. She kept looking back, to what seemed like her mother's vermilion streaked head, her father's spectacles. She lost balance on the escalator since she was more interested in spotting the pieces of her heart she was leaving behind. She sat in the plane and looked out, she did not have the luxury of waving them goodbye one last time. She had no clue what her parents were doing? Were they crying? Or were they happy that she was going towards a good life? Or was their heart also split in the middle - trying to catch a glimpse of any plane that flew over head and imagining their child in it.

She made a life in a country that was not her own. She made acquaintances, not friends. She had people to talk to, people to listen - but not her parents. Her children grew in a whirlwind of school runs, swimming classes, music lessons and holiday clubs. She wished she could keep them close to her. But she was wiser. She hugged them a bit tighter when they came back home, she stayed a bit longer after they had drifted off to sleep, she cooked them special dishes even if they said they were fine. She stayed up when they studied, she sat through their sports classes, she lathered them with every bit of love her body could summon. She knew one day they would go, leaving the house silent but echoing with their voices, clean but with a halo of a sock there of a bag here, empty but full of memories. She knew time would time would play spoil sport. She had prepared long. But was any amount of preparation enough to steel ones heart to separation? Her little ones were ready to leave the nest. They hugged and cried. Uma bit her lips and stroked their hair and asked them to be strong till the next time they met. As they walked away, she stood waving, weeping silent tears. She wanted to shout, to scream, to run and hug them once more, to smother them with kisses. But she stood, waving, as she saw her children become one with the melee.

Uma knew life would be an endless waiting game. Waiting for her children to call, waiting for their homecomings during term breaks. They were shackled by assignments, projects, courses. At least  she had time for elaborate conversations with her people. She had technology too. Till the letter arrived. A letter in a company letterhead. A company she had never heard of. She did not understand when she read it the first time. She read it again.... something to do with her being appointed as the chief translator of a firm that would sell handloom products from a small town in India. The town seemed familiar. The name of the signatories looked familiar. She collected herself. Her children had given her the gift of going back to her dream by giving her a job. 

After two decades she sat on a flight clutching her husband's hand. Seemed like yesterday when she dug her fingernails into his palms to stop her sorrow filled heart from choking her. She sat again feeling bubbles in her stomach as she made the trip back home - for good. Her parents were there to receive her. Coming down the escalator, she saw them as mirages through her tear filled eyes. Slowly like a lens adjusting itself, they came into focus. She wailed when she hugged them. She was back... not to go leave, but for good. The ornate door of her grandmother's house welcomed her. She was back....not for a vacation... but for good.

First ever term holiday

I am this person who unnecessarily panics when it comes to kids. I should not be admitting it publicly , as no one will take me seriously when I raise a concern about kids again! But then yeah.

I was at my wits end with respect to Chiyaa 's school admission. And once she started school, I was all antsy regarding her food, her pick up drop , her everything. Little did I realise, the turnip is a good and relatively problem free child(Touchwood). Anyhoo, me being me was all jittery when her half term holidays came up. What was I going to do with her at home all day? How was I going to handle 2 kids? How was I going to manage all the house work? Boy was I dreading the forthcoming 5 days. 

Day1: we could all snooze till -730! Wow! Since I had the whole day, there was no need for me to get agitated regarding Chiyaa 's breakfast. Murphy's law, she in fact had her breakfast all by herself. I booked the tickets for the movie Storks. It was to be an experience, since this was the first time I was going for a movie with the two girls and with no Daddy to help. To top it Pumpki is not a pint sized infant who can be smothered to sleep anymore. Madam has her moods now. So fingers crossed, I ventured. The kids were extremely well behaved. I had been bit of a conniving mother in not letting Pumpki sleep till the movie. So one feed in the theatre and bam! The nuclear arsenal was contained ;) I loved the movie. It is brilliant and I would recommend it. Movie done, we had some toasties at subway and then were on our way back.

Day2: again a lazy start. Awesome! I was definitely getting used to the extra slumber and the absence of 0830 dash to school. We ventured out on a trip to the town centre. Towards lunch we caught up with K and then spent some time in the grounds. Chiyaa and Pumpki went crazy on the swings and slides. 

Day3: It was a cold and murky day and we decided to stay indoors. It was wonderful to see both the girls play. I was dreading how was I going to manage the two divas at home, and here they were playing with each other and in fact making things a bit easy for me. Evening we went outside for a small stroll in the town centre. Now on the way back, Chiyaa managed to throw a grand tantrum for which she received an earful. I admit I should have been a bit more patient. I so often fail when it comes to her :(

Day4: I had a work related meeting in another town. So daddy had to take care of them. Boy was I nervous. I was reminded of the one weekend  when I had to leave Chiyaa in K's care. This time there were two of them. But K was a cool customer, no nervousness whatsoever! I was finicky and made arrangements to the N th detail. I realised K had roped in his best friend Mr. Technology. The kids were just fine and the house was in order. I had some deliberations and was a bit busy brainstorming. I let Chiyaa and Pumpki play at home and watch TV. 

Day5: the holidays seemed to have begun only yesterday! I planned to take the kids to an indoor play area. But once we reached we found it closed for a Halloween party. So we decided to go to our old favorite open play ground. Since the sun was shining, it was simply amazing to hang out. 

Saturday was a hot summer day in October and the kids simply went crazy in the park. It was also Diwali for K's side of the family so there was some special food around. Sunday was Diwali for me and we visited the temple, but I am not sure why I didn't feel it much this time. Diwali is my most favourite festival and this year got over and I don't feel it made a dent. I am not sure if it has to do with all the things uncertain on our plate or being in a new place, but now that it's over I miss it:(

Anyways what's done is done. I rue the foolishness with which I was searching for 'things to do in autumn break' while all I had to do was be around. The first ever term break is over and I am so looking forward to the next 6 weeks to get over so that the Christmas break starts. After that I have to condition myself to get back to work, get ready to leave the 2 muchies and generally for the good times to end. The end of a break for me. 

Time with you is literally flying...

..dear Pumki. You will turn a year old in a couple of months and I am still clueless where did the time go? I feel as if I missed it all. 

You were handed into our arms looking like an exact replica of your sister. In so many ways it was total recall being with you. If you could understand the spoken language you would go crazy at the number of times we exclaimed ' just like Vaibhu...' at your shenanigans. 

But then in so many ways you are so different. You are calmer. You are naughty in the quiet way. Daddy summed it all by saying Vaibhu is a cat and this is a puppy. That is how different you both are. Sometimes you seem like peas in a pod while at others you are like chalk and cheese. 

You interact so well. Since you were a mere two months old, you started making solid eye contact. You are not a fussy sleeper...in fact you love your sleep. You have slept through nappy changes, through an entire medical examination and one time where we changed mattresses. But when you are not happy, boy do you have a loud mouth. When you cry all hell can break lose till we give you exactly the stuff you want - a feed, sleep, or a cuddle. But then we have watched four movies with you already. You have been to India and back along with having bus rides to nearby towns, car rides, and a couple of train journeys. The greatest achievement has been the change of city. You were so accommodative through an entire change of location. It seemed daunting when visualised, but we did not take into account what a fuss-free child you were. It seems like a cake walk on hindsight where there was absolutely no trouble from you on the packing , travel and unpacking. 

The most enjoyable part of your daily bath. You just LOVE a bath. You start giggling and dancing and cooing when it's bath time. But being the understanding head that you are, there is no crying when bath time is over.

The thing that makes me happiest is your bond with Chiyaa. You cry when she leaves for school, get all excited when she is back, split into giggles when she plays and sneakily try to get her toys when she is not looking. She treats you as if she owns you and you are perfectly fine with it. She can bring a smile on your face anytime and you in hers. You divas are a team and I swell with joy seeing your bond. 

You will soon be walking, throwing tantrums, talking and growing up and becoming your own independent person. I love you lots and you give me such immense joy.....I am ever grateful sweetheart.

weSurvive VI

It's been over two months that we returned from India. Still I do not get the 'settled' feeling. Somethings just like that I get reminded of the time in India - the bottle Pumki uses, a Hindi song, a picture, Chiyaa playing Luv-Kush (she was hooked to that animated series back in India) with her toys. Or out of nowhere I picture the beach in Chennai or the air conditioned room in bbsr. It just hits with a pang. It seems like yesterday that with glowing sentimentality we bid goodbye to our family with promises to meet very soon...reality is so different from wishful thinking. 

The days are super hectic. We have the morning school run which compresses the time from wakeup to 0830. Once Chiyaa leaves I get on with cooking for the night and a light meal for my lunch. These are interspersed with feeding, bathing and playing with Pumki. There is generally a trip to the town centre on some errand or the other. 

Christmas is round the corner and the shops are getting decked up. The sale season is also upon us. Last year the same time around I was eagerly waiting for my mother to come. I was counting days to wind up woke and wait for the baby. I remember the days before Pumki when mummy and I used to drop Chiyaa at daycare and stroll around hand in hand. After the little one came, we used to get our daily dose of fresh air through the walks. Even the transition to Ipswich was cushioned by mummy's presence. Going around with her to familiarise myself with the town, made everything seem easy. Everything reminds me of her absence.

Since the last few days I have made it a point to meet K during lunch. It adds to some steps in my goal of 10,000 steps since my target weight loss is way off track :(( Work is a tad stressful for him and he gets rejuvenated being with the little angel for a bit. 

1430 starts the school pick up run. Earlier K was driving Chiyaa back. But twice he forgot!!! Imagine that! Moreover his work place does not have good cellular network which makes contacting him to remind him an unreliable option. So I volunteered to pick Chiyaa. It also gives her an additional 30 minutes of walk and outdoor activity, a chance to grab 2 fruits and we get to talk about what happened in school  :) 

It is a very scenic route and an absolute joy to walk (except when it rains and it rains often now that it's autumn) I also have to remain mindful of Pumki. The days she is not in a very good mood becomes a bit difficult.

Once back, after washing up, it's time for some snacks and my mandatory afternoon coffee. I so miss my mother and our conversations over coffee. I get the dinner sorted and once K is back I heave a sigh of relief. The days he is late as he will be today I grimace at the thought. I try  to finish as much of the house chores as possible. I keep preparing. I wish for that day to come and go soon. I don't know why. Its not that Chiyaa or Pumki are very uncooperative kids. Its maybe that I don't want to take a chance that they are in a foul mood and don't let me do my stuff. 

I don't know why, I feel as if I am living by the clock. My head just keeps track of the ticking time and I am hurrying around egg shells. Feel like a wound up spring. Is it just because of the school runs? Is it because of the looming uncertainty with regards to our work? If just school runs can give me this much heartache boy am I super unprepared for the world ahead. :|

You are teaching us another lesson

Dear Chiyaa,

You have started school and yet again daddy and I are the ones who are learning.

You started off with enthusiasm on day one. But then you did not realise one goes to school everyday. And you started showing some reluctance. I am not sure if the elaborate lunch routine makes you nervous ( I have been with you once, and I felt intimated by the maneuvers. Taking ones tray, asking for what one wanted, walking back to the dining hall and after that depositing the utensils in designated place before making ones way back to class is a pretty elaborate set of steps). You also do not have the luxury of knowing anyone at all. Mostly children have some one from their daycare or neighborhood who acts as a familiar face. But  you have been uprooted from the place you still call home - Leeds. You live in a different place, you are just back from 3 month long stay in India - you are taking things pretty well though. Much better than mummy and daddy for sure. In the midst of this school! Lots of strangers and yet another change. No one takes well to change, inertia is a big a big a big deal. How would you get on with so many upheavals  - a little thing of just four years ? We knew in some manner we had to expect this, the reluctance to go to school, the daily convincing that school is good, you will make lots of friends there, you will have lots of fun there and you will learn lots and know the answers to a lot of questions. You get convinced. But then with those beseeching eyes you ask ' But mummy I want you to be with me'. I wish sweetheart I could be with you, I wish I could ensconce you, I wish I could forever and ever protect you from the slightest difficulty. But you know what, that would not be very good for you. Just like twinkles made you that gregarious, out going person, I am sure, school will make you an even more confident individual. 

And already you are doing immensely good. You said you had pointed to some 'wow' words which your teacher appreciated. Not only that, you have not for a single day given me any trouble in waking up. You wake up pronto at 0630 without needing any help. You have been utterly cooperative doing the morning chores. And when mummy gets anxious and agitated as to what to offer you for breakfast, you suggest what you need. Most of the days you eat to my satisfaction. Could I ask for more? 

Because of you, our experiences with Pumki seem so much easier. You have shown us the way, made us be prepared. You after all have taught us parenting.

Forever indebted,

Your mummy

Something is wrong with me

Any change seems disconcerting. Any change has a potential to throw a spanner in the works. But any change is advantageous. Any change is a chance for better. 

But I think I am not getting any good at changing my sails to the winds. We moved to a new place. I am still not at home here. In the place's defence I was barely here travelling to India  within a short span. Still.... I don't feel like accepting it. The return from India was uneventful. The commencing week was supposed to wring life out of us. On the contrary we were so busy we missed out on finding things amiss. I coped through the first week brilliantly and if there is any truth in morning showing the day, I felt, well the vacation and the glorious time had a positive rejuvenating effect.  Chiyaa was to start school a week on, the start of new routine and better things.  

Things are not turning out as expected. I am feeling a loss. I of course miss having the trouble maker at home. The little one also misses big sister and is super clingy. This leaves with nothing better to do but miss the company I had. I miss having all the people around. I know it was a holiday and  temporary. I feel all alone in this strange new setting. I am ill at ease, restless, diffident. Since Chiyaa started school I sent pictures of her in school uniform to her nursery. It was a pleasure hearing back from the nursery managers and them appreciating how Chiyaa had grown. But since most nursery emails are not relevant to me any more, I unsubscribed from their mailing list. It was like cutting a crucial tie. A part of me hoped to meet all the amazing nursery staff again while another part pondered what would I talk if I did met them again? My own thoughts don't make sense to me.

I am high strung for no apparent reason. Just holiday blues? Simple lack of sunshine? Or the overwhelming feeling of having too much to do? Or am I missing my little birdie? Seeing her get ready in a uniform makes it all seem so strange. She is such a little thing. Seems like yesterday I had her in my arms. Now she is in yet another setup, dealing with new people, trying to forge new friendships, having new experiences.  One  half of me wishes to just hold on to her..... Keep her from slipping away. And  another half wishes for her to grow up sooner, so that we can go for walks and swimming and trips.  I don't know what I am hoping for. I so wish I knew.