Bad mother II

I never thought I would get to write a version 2 of this topic. But history repeats. And today I was not only bad I was horrible. 

Lately we are trying to make Chiyaa walk rather than relying on the push chair. She does not like it all the time. But it's an effort on our part to acclimatise her. Since the nursery is very close by for starters we drop and come home walking. 

They are good days and there are bad. Some days she is really cooperative and walks along enjoying the sights of the pigeons and dogs being brought out for a walk. Other days she cries, asks to be picked up or stands at one place. 

Today while returning she didn't want to walk at all. She didn't want to be picked up either. She just kept dragging her feet and being difficult. I somehow brought her till our apartment complex. Once inside we need to take the lift to the second floor. We reached the second floor. She refused to come out of the lift. To make her come outside I stepped out of the lift  and said 'OK I am going' and turned my back to her. In a split second the doors of the lift closed with my baby inside. My heart skipped a beat. I pushed the button immediately to make the lift doors open. They did not. I panicked and ran to the ground floor. I pressed the lift buttons. The lift came down and opened. But Chiyaa was not inside. Luckily just then K reached. It was a pure stroke of luck that he was an hour early. I asked him to take the steps while I took the lift. I planned to stop at each floor and look for her. The first stop I made was at the second floor. K was there too by the steps and we both could hear her cry. She was in some floor above us and had stepped out of the lift. 

Second stroke of luck,I thought I saw her press the button for 8th floor as soon as we had entered the lift. She had this silly habit of trying to press all the buttons on switch board. I hit the button to the eighth floor and as soon as I  stepped out  I saw her crying hysterically for mummy. 

I took her into my arms and came running down to our home. I cannot imagine how scared she must have felt. She spent the whole evening crying. She did not eat much, she just kept remembering the horrible incident and crying bitterly. In a moment I had turned a happy smiling girl into a petrified child. I dare not imagine anything untoward which could have happened.  I am so guilt ridden. I feel horrible. I will never forget what I did. I will never forgive myself for what I did. I hope she does one day.

weSurvive V

We are still in the dress rehearsal state. Mommy reached home safely on Tuesday. From Thursday I rejoined work after my 3 day vacation and kitty started going to day care with me. 

She woke all refreshed in the morning. She was quite eager to goto nursery as well. She waved goodbye to her daddy with amazing enthusiasm. It was very encouraging to see how much she was looking forward to her time at the nursery.  Sharp at 8 she was in. I had plans to pick her up by 1630. One thing led to another and I was able to log off only at 1630. I scooted from work. Earlier I had plans of going home, preparing something for her and then coming back and picking her up. Since the nursery is stone's throw away from our home it would have been feasible. Since I stated late from work I picked her up directly. 

It was very endearing to watch her play with the other kids. She was jumping and running around the room. She was such a far cry from how she was barely a year ago when leaving her was the most depressing and guilt ridden task ever. She came leaping to me. I picked her up and she walked home babbling something or the other. It was all fine till we reached home and she was insistent on opening the door. She throws a tantrum if we open the door. We humour her by letting her try to open. But yesterday I was in no mood for that. I was tired and I knew the more I delayed, the more agitated she would get. Just as I was about to confront her and get the keys, I heard a click from inside. K was home(he is yet to get back to work) and  he opened the door. Seeing daddy on the other side cheered the kitty and she was her normal self again. 

I had kept a boiled egg which she snacked upon. It was time for the Skype calls after that. Maybe plain and simple beginners luck, but day one was not half as bad so had imagined. 

We badly miss mommy but somehow we do survive.

Tubi gone

When Chiyaa is unable to find my mom during their hide and seek sessions, she comes to me and says 'Tubi gone'. I would say 'No Tubi has not gone, she is hiding. Come lets search for her. ' Then we would both shout out 'Ready or not here we comeeeeee' and ultimately find her. On Sunday night, mommy was going to brush her teeth. Chiyaa just saw her and said 'Tubi. Where are you going? ' Mommy said 'Tubi gone' and burst into tears.

Yesterday morning, I dropped her at the airport, for her return journey. As she was leaving home, she was disconsolate. She kept crying and wishing she could stay longer. This is life is nt it? Being far from the ones we love to pieces. She must have wrapped so many memories - memories of feeding the little one, playing with her, watching Peppa Pig and Princess, dropping her off at the day care, bringing her back, protecting her if her parents reprimanded her for her tantrums. I thought, she was going back to people who needed her just as much - Papa and Lichie. She was going back to her mom. She was going back to her home. I was strangely very steely. I thought I would be crumbling away. I thought, I would take an eon to get used to her absence. Having K around on leave did help a lot. He made sure that we were out and about to take our minds off the vacant house. Thoughts of when to get Chiyaa back from day care, what item to offer as next meal, the clothes that needed folding and ironing, the vessels that needed getting done, (housework that I had been oblivious to in the past 5 months) were a blessing in disguise to help in taking my mind off mommy.

We both are on holiday for couple of days, on stand by to take care of the little birdie, now that she has so many changes. So the morning mad rush, the evening panic cooking, the mid day stress about the impending chores at home and about do not exist. Next week when the dress rehearsal is over we will get the full impact.  We will truly understand the difference now that Tubi is not around.

Fantastic Friday

At 1000 on Friday morning my heart skipped a beat. I got an alert in my phone "give notice in twinkles". Twinkles is the day care she attends. She will be attending full time day care again in a month hence the 1 month notice is to intimate them of the same . She will be going full time because mummy will be returning to India. *big sigh*

I was living in constant dread that mummy's return would happen one day. I was living in constant preparation of the event. As usual when it was upon me I was least prepared. But life must go on. Since K was out of town we gurls decided to paint the town red ;) No nothing very risqué just dinner and shopping. We went to a place called Red Hot World Buffet which has the most amazing fare when it comes to buffet food. There is a variety of cuisines like Chinese, Japanese, Mexican, Continental, Italian and of course Indian! And who rules the roost? Of course humara desi khana! The queues in front of samosa, tandoori chicken, pulao, chicken korma and masala kulcha have no end. The only place where there is a dearth is the dessert section where only gulab jamun is able to make an entry. The splash of cakes, ice creams and fudges can blow the mind of anyone with a sweet tooth.
The little birdie also loves this place. There is something or the other for her. If she is bored with chapatti, there is pizza, if she had enough of that, there is noodles. If noodles has stopped grabbing her attention, there is French fries. Even having small portions gives me the satisfaction that she has had enough. This time to top it all, mummy loved it!! What more could I ask for?
After that, we stopped by a place to do some Diwali shopping. I wanted to get it over with before we were too close to the date and it became a rushed affair. Chiyaa's dress was priority. We managed to get a very nice outfit. Little did we know, that she would come home and insist on wearing it. She has been wearing it for 3 days now (Well she does change into her night wear when she goes to bed and changes clothes a million times during the day. But on and off, she had managed to keep on wearing it *rolls eyes*)
As the kitty was busy playing, mummy and I managed to watch a documentary on the recent spread of Ebola in Sierra Leone and the wonderful job that Medecins Sans Frontieres is doing there. Hats off to the people who take up such a tremendous responsibility. Since the kid showed no signs of being drowsy, we continued with some more tv time by watching the movie Taken. It is not brand new, but it was good fun watching it with mummy. We were all ready to hit the bed, and there is no pleasure greater than 3 generations huddling inside the same duvet on a cold September night. *Sighs* Simple joys!

Together, depart, repeat

The air has got that crisp dryness which announces the advent of Durga Puja. My favourite time of the year. The other day Mummy was putting some of her clothes away in her suitcase and she thought, 'the time for packing has come'. There is still a little over a month for her to start back to India, but I have already started preparations. I have started steeling myself, that in some more weeks, it would be mad crazy getting ready in the morning, it would be real empty coming back to a vacant house in the evening and it will be very weird seeing the second bedroom lying unused.

The first half of her stay (I divided her stay into Before Papa Came And After Papa Left) seemed way quicker. Maybe I was eagerly waiting for Papa to come that I was willing time to pass quickly. Time for a change heard my wishes. Or maybe it was the peak of summer and we had so many things to do, so many places to be that we did not realise the flow of days. Papa was here for a short time of 3 weeks. The time Before The Trip went on at a slow pace but After Trip was just about winding down. I miss our coffee sessions. Papa and I have this funny quirk. We love picking peanuts from Indian Mixtures when we are  having coffee in the evening. We literally used to have contests to grab the next visible peanut first. I find no fun in eating all the peanuts by myself now. The short walks with him, the general chit chat… well I still see all the pictures of his time here every night before going to bed. Chiyaa took some time to realise that Ajaa (that's what she calls Papa) was missing. I think for the first few days she thought he has gone somewhere and will be back. On the fourth day, she kept searching for him at the places he used to hide during their peek-a-boo sessions. Then she started dragging Mummy to search for him outside. At one point, she would pick up any available phone and say 'talk to Ajaa' and start blabbering something. On seeing any elderly gentleman with a coat she would start jumping and saying 'Ajaa'. Slowly she has come to terms that Ajaa would appear on the computer only. It breaks my heart to see her thus. She is innocent, she does not realise, and she will forget. But wish we could have everything we want at one place.

A month down the line, the same would be the case for Tubi(that’s what she calls my mom. :D) But I  have got my lessons learnt after Papa's stay. I try to max up the time with Mummy. K wonders, what do we talk everyday? I can tell him the exact details, but I know that would put him to sleep. We discuss clothes, banking, coding, colleagues, work experiences, spirituality, books, movies and what not! Even if we had an infinite number of days together, we would still talk this much.  This time, I will have Mummy with me for Durga Puja. She will also spend Diwali here but start 2 days after that. It is some consolation that she will be around for some important functions. We may not do anything out of the world, but at least we have got some more company.

We are already making plans for our next India trip and for getting Amma here again. I wish we could make more frequent trips to home like some people do, but with a toddler and 2 jobs it’s difficult. We are thinking about what to do in the long run. There are too many parameters, but I keep reiterating, when the time comes, we will look at one deciding factor and take a call. Till then these sine wave periods  of tremendous joy and bitter agony will continue.