Friday, December 26, 2008

Take control

There is one thing I sternly go by - your life is your own and you should take full charge of it.

I lately heard some instances about a close acquaintance having some problems with her in laws - mostly mother. Its the usual, but way too trivial. The mother in law seemed to me a typical mother in law straight from the movies of the genre of Lalita Pawar. Now she does not help an iota in the house work, expects daughter in law to do everything from kitchen to clothes along with juggling an IT career. She goes to the extent of not taking proper care of her little 8 month old grand child. And to add insult to injury, lady goes on to blame daughter in law for everything, accusing her of not managing the house properly and to top it all accusing her of "torturing" her.

What I felt most unbecoming of a woman is she goes ahead and talks ill about her daughter in law and the alleged ill treatments heaped on her to all her relatives.

I was C-o-m-p-l-e-t-e-l-y appalled by all this happening even today. I was shocked and felt very shaken. One thing that struck me was - what is the son of the house doing? Yes point taken the lady on one side is your mother, but cant you see the person being victimized is your wife? Yes it is but obvious to not notice the minor mistakes of your own mother, but come on is nt there a thing called conscience which says - Woman you are wrong there. I seriously wonder if the guy (and I feel many guys) is bereft of this sense because of the loyalty towards the mother. But I personally feel, if the guy chooses to turn a blind eye to something that is so blatantly wrong, he is a complete wuss. (Excuse my language, but I guess I am way too angered)

Even if not the son, at least the father in law should curtail his wife and speak out when she over steps the border. But no, I wonder what made this "educated" retired man take cover under a newspaper. I wish a lightning would strike him.

If not any of them, then I feel the girl should stand up - for her, for her child. Shes got a career, got independence, and got a life of her. Its mandatory for her to respect elders and in laws, but its not written any where to take allegations lying down. I am not sure why some girls agree to some things when their heart is not into it. I feel its your own responsibility to lay things straight from the beginning. My mother always advised me, never treat your mother in law any different from me, else you will always feel the difference. And never be a different person there, else it will never be a home for you.

Every one should be aware of a daughter in laws individuality and respect that. I hear complains from some of Ks friends who are girls, that their mother in laws don't help at all and they find it real tough to handle house and work. I feel, ya feeling drained is ok, but if you are not able to take it then say it. Unless you tell there is a problem no one will get into ur psyche and pump it out. If cooking twice a day for husband and in laws is taking a toll on you, either ask your mother in law to help a bit, and if she is not in a position - GET help. Hire a domestic help. Do something. What good is coming out of bitching about your mother in law and complaining. End of day, you go tired to an unhappy domesticity.

This is not the
adi manav age that girls dont have an existence. No asked you to follow the rules of Manu Smriti which says a girl should be depended on her father in childhood, a husband when married and a son in widowhood. If we choose to have such a life, we have no one but ourselves to blame. Seriously, if you dont assert you have a backbone, people will assume you have none and walk right over you. Take control gurll.

Ps. I am not sure if I am writing a politically correct post, so the views I hold in this post are entirely personal one. I am not being judgmental. But I welcome the views of other, if they can help me see the issue in a different light.


niceguy251 said...


I am with you on what you have said. If you find time do try to read my post " Strength of a family " of Apr this year. I am of firm opinion that we have to ensure that girl who comes as our new family member is made to feel at home. But unfortunatly there are many a girls who take this as weakness on the part of in-laws. In such cases I rather advise in-laws to keep to themselves with dignity unless she does something totally unacceptable. Another factor which is totally unwanted is interference by girl's parents or siblings into her affairs. They may do so if there is danger to her life or physical violance but to keep coaching her all the time how to get her way causes ugly situations. A frank heart to heart talk by boy and girl before marriage is a must to let each other know what is expected and desired.

Take care

PS : If you still can not post you comment on my posts, pleas write to me at if you feel comfortable. And OMG, you tagged me. Please allow me some time to respond.

Satish (a.k.a) Bhaashaa said...

Hmmm, I don't have a mom,she passed away when I was so young 11 yrs, so I won't have this problem, but even if that kinda situation comes, I wud definitely take a neutral stand and see who's mistake is that and correct them. Its good for a guy to know all household activities, so that he can support his wife. I am glad that I cud do cooking to cleaning to washing all by my own :) I truly second your thoughts, guys who cannot speak for their wife are spineless fellows. I pitty that 8 month old baby, pls give it to me, I will take care of him/her :)

niceguy251 said...


I realised that I have put the said post on this site also under the same name id. you may see it here. My most of the posts are in indiatimes site.

Take care

Sougata said...

I know a uncle , a very decent one ,one who struggled his way to success. He often gets pinched on his face remains locked in his own house, by a shrew . I always wondered why is he so passive. Once I overheard him, he did it for his family . I think people who tolerate this burnt is only because of the love they have for their loved ones who mean a lot more to them,someone above their own personal happiness . The other thing that you pointed is quit true . How can some one rational, some one who is a social being can see his/her better half succumb to such hypocrisy. I think Indian family system is still evolving , literacy rate is increasing . Someone who is educated and fosters a literate mind will definitely not relent to such nonsense , but still somehow this saas-bahu relationship is something mysterious .

Never mind I always suffered from a deficiency of gray cells.My mom says its because of my parental genes :) .

Renu said...

Amrita ur anger is very right, but I have seen many situations where its very difficult to have an exact right and wrong perspective. For the housework..I feel its better to hire a domestic help rather than expecting ur MIL to be an aayah to ur children. Look at her age, dont u think she needs to take rest now.I firmly believe that if my MIL helps and wants to do it or not to do it..its solely her choice, I dont have any right to ask her to do work. I have seen that girls who are working, treat their inlaws as unpaid domestics..look after the work, children and all.
I am not saying all this in this u know better but i am writing my experience. The girls want their inlaws to work, help them but have no right either over the household or their children. I am sure that if a girl behaves well, and think of the other side also, the way u said ur mother aked u to.....everything will turn out to be well.
If the girl in the picture thinks, she is right, then why not ask everybody to sit together and sort out the problem, may be old lady has somehealth problem or she may not feel like working and keeping small children is not an easy job.
Instead of maligning the inlaws, is better to talk to them directly.

Amrita said...

@Niceguy- yup the family of the girl might be a bit interfering which mite mar matters... so its on the girl to take the good and have no qualms in discarding the bad
@Satish - yep.. a guy should go with what is correct
@Sougata - saas bahu relnship is a bit tricky.. but not difficult for sure...
@Renu - ya some gals are bit over bearing on in laws... thts wht... u treat ur dil as ur daughter and the gal treat ur mil as ur mom things will b so much better n simpler then

Shalom said...

Its very difficult for an outsider to comment on such situations, because there are so many sides to the story. But I agree that everybody needs to be in control of their life, and if there are problems, you should talk it out calmly with the people concerned instead of suppressing your anger or going around badmouthing them, because neither action is productive. I also feel that its such a waste of life to keep dwelling on the same issues instead of dealing with them and finding solutions so that everyone can move on and live in peace.

Bindhu B said...

Amritha ,

Your views are right .. no second thought about it .. as you said , the main accused here are the men of the house .. esp. the FIL .. he has to be a neutral person and take control of the situation .


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