Saturday, March 20, 2010

Fighting the demons within

20 is a very important number for me - for personal landmarks. I got married on a 20th, I joined the firm which brought me back to K on the 20th and I complete 2 years with the same firm today on the 20th. It was on the 20th of last month that K left India. Its been a month! And I have had my shares of downs and not so downs :)

Somehow the lack of any friends or family in Chennai used to make me feel very jittery about K not being there with me. I used to live the emptiness before he left so that I get used to it. It was a futile exercise. The logical half of my mind did assert that I was wasting precious time which I could have with K. But then the pessimistic me used to think, better get used to things and live the reality that is gonna be there in some days. And things were such that, before his travel, we had 3 weeks just to ourselves. Mil acts as a balancing factor in the house. Her presence keeps us guided and grounded. Without her, we lost our tempers more easily, got distraught more quickly and completely drove the other person against the wall frequently. But then, us being us, we would patch up sooner than we fought and the Sorrys and "will miss you too"s and hugs would flow with equal ease later on. It was a big turmoil with everything uncertain and the only thing keeping us afloat being hope. We were not sure, whether to voice our concerns and discuss everything or not address some facts and be in denial till we could. Because discussing some tricky points might just make both of us feel more diffident and wary without the company and the support of the other. How we passed through those days is still a blur to me. Now its a fact that I am somehow coping without my bebe and hes somehow coping without his bunny.

I am not sure, how he manages to keep his sanity and his balance in the trying times that he is through. Work is jam packed for him and he has the company of some real good people. He does miss me, but he does'nt admit it. But I know exactly how I am faring. The day times zap through with cooking, walk, getting to work and getting work done occupying me completely. I am trying some changes on the work front; things are yet to move, but the struggle keeps me occupied. Many a times, in the midst of it all, when I suddenly feel a pang of dejection, I feel really lost. Those are the times I need K the most. At home its books and some other reading that keep me really busy. But then its just an attempt to fight the demons within. The demons of lonesomeness and pessimism. Many a times, I get into this mode when I imagine the worse case scenario. It is not a pleasant feeling at all and then I get bogged down by a million and one negative thoughts. Sometimes when someone else comes up and tells me their sad story, I simply am not able to think anything hopeful. I start feeling grumpy for the person in question and start pitying myself. I hate doing that, but that is the only thing I end up doing.

But then there are the other times, when I see everything through rose tinted glasses. I see everything falling into place, just as we hope. An all win scenario when everything at stake goes our way. It peps me up to no end. The optimist in me rises to the occasion and then grabs all the things that can be accomplished when the adrenaline rush continues. Those moments are simply great. I am at my best with K, I instill faith in my near and dear ones that I am doing great. I would love my mom not to sense my actual state of mind all the time. I wish she always felt I am doing good. But then shes a mom and a great mom at that with some Extra Sensory Perception. She happens to call me exactly when I am not so ok and does a remarkable job in making me feel better. Really its been to her divine strength that I get the will to move on - to think beyond the limitations. My darling sis, keeps talking to me as if shes my beau. She talks about normal stuff and silly things to keep me upbeat. I cannot speak enough about the efforts they are making to make me not fall into the pits of negativity.

Its a constant oscillation and an emotional roller coaster - hope to see the end of this phase soon. As dearest S my friend keeps telling me everytime I start on this sob story - This too will pass.

PS. S - thank you.


Abhishek Khanna said...

i can kind of relate to this post too much.. been there , done that types

btw .. the thing you say about mum's is absolutely 100% true! extra sensory perceptions! Dunno hw they know everything!

Nilu said...

I read your post & felt your listlessness. I would say indulge this time by doing things YOU like - reading, watching soppy movies, shopping, decorating, pajama parties...all the things that women like to do.

Am also reminded of the time I was in India after marriage waiting for my visa - I kept such a cheery front, nobody had a clue how much I missed my hubby!

Piper .. said...

:):) yet another post I can relate to! And about your mom calling up just when you`re not ok - my mom does that too! I guess they have some kind of a telepathic connection! :)
BTW, loved the new look of the blog!

Amrita said...

@Nilu-I was nt listless, I was just thinking aloud and as usual dilly dallying between +ve and -ve emotions. I always do what I Like :) and I still am, but the absence of your partner does make a difference. The thing that makes the whole thing a bit complicated is that, we are not sure when and how we can be together again, which is stopping us from making some moves which might jeopardise the whole thing.

@Piper - thanks so much :)

@Abhi, @Piper- Yea moms are way to gifted I feel :)

Ashma said...

another lovely post.. u write too well yaar.. i could relate to exactly what u wrote.. i know its tough time dear.. look at the option we discussed during the weekend.. if nothing else, it wud make u two happy and that's what matters.. right?

Btw regarding ur new blog format: i m not sure if its just my lappie but the format is very straining to the eyes.. + a view letters in the beginning of the post is not visible at all to me.. dunno,, maybe its just me.

Satish N said...

Amrita first accept these "hats-off, bend down three times" from me. Your writing skills are awesome, I am floored after reading this piece and I would personally rate this post as one of my ALL TIME FAV's. Though the subject is heavy, you have presented it so well.

Come-on dude, Life is too short to be spent worrying and I am sure K too wants you to be happy, I know, missing someone close is a pain, but certain things happen for a reason and you just have to accept it.

We will have constant tweet-up's are bessi beach and you can teach us your mother tongue naa :))

Amrita said...

@Ashu - Yea thinking on the options we spoke of.. and yea working on them too.. waise we will discuss kya panga hai in the new blog look :S
@Satish - Thanksssssssssssss soooooo much... I am floored by ur compliments :D Waise i am gameee for more tweet ups.. but teaching my mother tongue ahem ahem.. i aint so confident on that :D

Renu said...

You revive my memories..I also spent quite a lot of time in moping around, but you are a new age working girl...why not spend this time to learn any new hobby you wanted to or enjoy any other way...come to my place:)

Now only I noticed the new look of you blo..looks nice:) but will look better if the owner is cheery:)

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