The words that sum up beautifully what I want to write

This song is my all time favorite! One of the rare occassions where I prefer the movie version than Eric Segal's Man Woman and Child.

The lyrics loosely translate like this

I am not angry with you life, I am just surprised

Your innocent questions distress me

I never thought that to live, I would have to take care of sorrows

I never thought that everytime I smile, I would have to repay the favour of the smiling

Now everytime there is a smile on my lips, I feel as if there is a debt on my lips

Life, your sorrows have taught me new relationships

Sometimes I have got the respite of shade under scorching sun

If today the eyes well up, the tears will flow through

Tomorrow, maybe I will not even have the tears to shed

I had kept one tear, but am not sure where did I let it flow

(The translation is to the best of my auditory perception and Hindi knowledge. Any mistakes may please be pointed out :)  )

The doldrums do not seem to end, hoping God gives me strength and the patience to go through this. For.... this too shall pass :)

The sinner is back again

I would rot in hell for the sins I commit :( God Bless my soul :S

No this time around apart from the usual gluttunous streak, I committed the other sin of SLOTH. Yes, yours truly spent more hours being horizontal than being vertical. The very next day of my landing in Bbsr had me travel to my granny's place, which is customary. After spending the weekend there, I had the Monday all by myself. And guess what I did - I slept. Yes just plain and simple spent it sleeping. I had hit the bed the previous day at around 0030 hours and was up at 0830 in the morning. I saw my sissy off to office and then put on the air conditioner at a lovely 24 degrees Celsius and by 1030 hours, I was in sleep's arms. I woke aroung 1430 and then had the lunch and by 1530, guess what, I was sleeping again. This routine continued for nearly 4 days! I was myself amazed at how much I could sleep. But I simply love sleeping, and my mom was  of the opinion I had lost weight (ahem ahem, moms and their eyes). I am bloating like a toad on a rampage :(   and mom wanted me to get all the (ahem ahem ) rest!!

The week did have me doing some office work at tight schedules, during the evening hours, more because I was sleeping throughout the mornings. The next week, I was more human in my sleep durations. And was slowly limping to normalcy. But then the Thursday of the week had K throw a bomb at me. Without divulging the ugly details, I would say, it had me spend 4 utterly sleepless, tear soaked nights (sniff, sniff) To make that up, after the fourth day I was back sleeping like a log, all the time :D The time bomb that K dropped is still ticking and we are still waiting on the casualities, but till then.... Mujhe mat roko mujhe sone do :D

Well "The Mask" always asked for somebody to stop him, but here I am and something is stopping me from going back to Chennai and leading a normal life with normal sleep. First I had the tickets cancelled due to Madame Laila, who made an announcement with much pomp and glory, but was a damp squib. Then the AI officials chose to go on a "flash strike". And I ended up having an extended holiday in Bbsr. I had to run helter skelter to get the alternative arrangements, cos it was imperative to be in office on the 31st. After a lot of scurrying around, I finally paid through my teeth and managed a return flight ticket for Sunday. Now that the worry is over.... lemme zzzzzzzzzzzz again :)

In sync

I think I have written it on the wall how much I adore my beautiful mom! Not only I adhere to a lot she says, I also relate to her a lot. 

She and I are married to men who share the same birthdays so temperamentally they are very very alike. We both endure the same kinda situations cos of the men in our lives. Its the same kind of reasoning that works with them, its the same kind of pampering that works with them and its the same kind of scolding that again works with them. I always thought I could handle someone like dad very easily because I was the one who handled him best in the family. But then handling someone like a daughter and handling someone as a husband is an entirely different ball game. So now I can understand how my mom would have been tempted to put a gun on dad's temple and make him acquiesce to certain decisions. Or why she would go completely ballistic on some issues when my dad would be blissfully drowned in the editorials of some newspaper. She was always the one who knew the pulse of the any scenario while my dad was the one who preferred taking the path of least resistance. I have increasingly felt that K and my machinery also works the same way as it does for my mom and dad. With this I have begun to identify even more with my mom.

We also share the same moonsign! We kind of go through the same phases during the same times. Now, as I am in a proper limbo with respect to my career and personal dimension, exact same is the situation with my mom. Her personal side is taken care of, cos more or less everyone is settled (Touchwood) but her professional one is in doldrums. Ever since I came down to Bhubaneswar, we have spent hours on end speaking to each other. We would sit with glasses of the most delicious coffee and go on discussing stuff. Its really wonderful and enlightening talking to her. Sometimes shes the real expert who gives the most deft suggestions. At other times shes like a girl herself aye ayeing to whatever I suggest. There is absolutely no generation gap between the two of us.  Maybe she thinks too ahead of her times or I am with old age thoughts :) -- any which ways neither of us is complaining. How time flies with both  of us just lazying on the balcony and talking about all the things under the sun simply amazes me. 

I still remember a day I came back complaining from school, "I don't have any friends." I am not sure what led to me proclaiming that, but I remember making that announcement. And my mom took me into her arms and said, "Come on I am your best friend. Who said you do not have any friends?" No matter how I have moved and where I have moved, I think this remains the same still. There have been times when I have completely thought poles opposite to her, when I have defied her (and believe me every single time I have repented it, no matter how absurdddd her idea might have seemed to start with) and when I argued with her till the last tooth :D , she has been the one I have returned to always.  Mummy - you are the best!

PS. I am not sure what made me write this post, maybe the realisation yet again of the extent to which she still plays a vital role in shaping me every day.

I cant even think a suitable title!

I guess I am really, badly out of touch with blogging. Cos earlier when I got down to write anything, the first thing I would have in mind was the title of the post. Now after this span of inactivity, I am not even able to reach a good title to the post! Huh! How pathetic is that!

I would not say I took a break from blogging, because a break is timed and with a purpose. I just could not compose myself for blogging. Every single time I sat down to write anything, I used to be a scatter brain. Too many thoughts, too many worries, too many choices, too many dilemmas kept me too fickle. There were things going haywire in office, with there being work pressure plus some people pressure too. Things were very far from perfect on the home front too. And with K being away, I was a literal zombie. Yea, I did have my traditional vent in the form of my mom ( God Bless her!! Shes been my guiding angel carrying me through the troubled waters with her incessant support) But then keeping things from K ended up in me off loading it to him at the wrongest of times and the whole nine yards of being upset and patching up.

To make matters worse, I was getting choices, especially on the work front which were driving me against the wall. Some were such, they would meet my near term goals in a jiffy and make me reach cloud nine, but in the long run, my family commitments would go for a toss. There were others, which entailed a lot of hard work initially but would cut out my long term aspirations like a charm. There would be nights on end, when I used to cry myself to sleep, not seeing any end of any of the problems. There were days when some prospect would make me go mad with glee thinking, ah! finally I reached the end of it all. Fending all this without K near me, was simply not my cup of tea. I so so so many times thought of writing this or that out here. Or at least declaring I am off on a break. But then, a break was not my idea at all. I was rather on a roller coaster ride and never took the time to compose myself. It was being like ping pong ball, getting beaten up both at professional and personal life. What cant be cured must be endured, so there I was swallowing what ever came my way.

I do not want to sound like a martyr here, nor want to loll in self pity. Tough times come up on any one and everyone. A saying goes, "You never get anything before time, you never get anything more than destined" I had no other go but to wait for the time to get whatever was destined. I know the time has not yet come, nor has my prize been etched out for me yet. The only thing I was supposed to do was wait patiently. (IMPATIENCE is my middle name - waiting quietly is a toughie for me) I used to see people who were having completely different genres of problems and used to think, thank God, I dont have that on me. And I had the wonderful support of my friends, Ashu( You have handled me superbly, I have divulged my life to the tiniest granule to you, and your earnest help is something I am grateful to and will remain forever!) , roomie dear (The positive vibe that swells from you, sweeps me over and keeps me pepped up like a cuppa ginger tea! :D ) and one of K's friend who really took care of me like family. My mom was forever the Pole Star :) and then there was a cute set of colleagues who actually poured a lot of shimmer into moribund work! I cannot thank you guys enough, and I know you dont read my blogs :) but A, D and S, thanks for unknowingly being the help you were.....

Boy, this is sounding like an Oscar speech :S Yieeeeksss.... Did anyone fall asleep?? I was waiting for the month of May to make a trip to my recharge zone - Bhubaneswar. So here I was 2 days preceeding my sister's birthday with wonderful gifts for her, mom ( for momma s day) and dad ( he will be senior citizen July this year!). And yes though I am still worrying, I am in the midst of all the dilemmas ( I think I keep getting one per day) , the choices are still looming (I live by the Matrix Mantra that the power to choose is just an illusion but then when you get a choice, you feel as if you to exercise your right :( ) ... but I am in my ultimate comfort zone where no one judges me, where I don't measure what I say, when I am quintessentially just Me. And I am loving it :) So here I am in the lighted phase of the tunnel, garnering my resources for I am not sure whats up at the next bend on the road :S . So help me God.

Here I am

Thank you all for keeping me in your thoughts. Life was topsy turvy to say the least for the past 2 months. And I am not sure if I was liking the chaos or fighting it. Now as I see light at the end of the tunnel, well maybe.... I will be back with a long post in a short while.

Chew this!

After writing that foodie post some days back, its food which keeps coming back to my posts again and again. This time it is food for thought :P

Piper asked some really pertinent questions by asking :-
A question to all my blog buddies. You can answer anonymously, in case you`re uncomfortable. But do answer.

Has marriage killed the girl in you?
Are you more programed, more regulated in your thoughts and deeds?
Or are you simply calmer? Assuaged?
Are you still in love?
Or are you simply loving? Caring, fond and loyal..?

What does marriage do to you?

I am tempted to answer all these questions in the ulti professional way, cos these questions are so pin pointed and concise. I somehow love such questions; if day in and out, we had conversations which were so precise, wow! The world would have so much more clarity :) I know I am digressing and should get back to the work at hand.

Has marriage changed me - I will say No. Marriage has changed not changed my personality, but marriage has changed my responses to stimuli. I still think the same way I used to - it never did achieve killing the girl within me - the methodical, practical, stubborn, temperamental girl within me. Let me explain how marriage changed my responses with an instance. I still connect with my family and friends like I always used to, but then many a times if K is around, I know I chose who deserves my attention first. There have been times when for some chore, I have asked my parents or my friends to call in later. I would not have done the same during my spinster days, because there would be nothing more important my family or friends needing me. So though I am the same, the way I respond to the same things are different, because I am in a different set of circumstances right now.

In the same way, programmed I never was to do anything. I take small logical steps one at a time, and that is precisely what I still do. But now, its not just me or my personal aspirations or wishes I have to consider when I think of any issue. There is always K and mil, who are in the purview. They are an extension of me now and I cannot take absolutely any stand on anything without considering how it might affect them and how they might feel about it. It does not curtail me, because I regard them as an integral part of me. Same way, I know I come in their thoughts and actions. In this respect I should say, I am in no way calmer than I was before. Many a times rather to accommodate especially how K thinks, results in arguments and fights - but then that's what keeps the party going :)

I personally do not understand love - as in falling in love love. For me love is something unconditional, so it is something I have for my parents, my country, my language, my pets, my friends, for kids(I know I would love them unconditionally when I would have them) . I never fell in or out of love for them, I just love them ever since I remember. I do not understand how one can develop this unconditional emotion for some stranger. My perception of love between couples is - it starts with some emotion which amalgamates itself with many others and forms a complex one which can be summed up as love. As an example, one emotion which brings the partners together might be admiration. A mutual admiration brings the people in question close, enhances communication, and then rises forth into respect, concern so on and so forth. It kinda snowballs into what the world calls love. Same way, it could be empathy. Its very easy for two people under similar circumstances to understand each other and connect at a deeper level. And down the line, the connections that build up, yea thats love. I believe, every event of falling in love can be drawn back to some tangible emotion or some more understandable situation.With K and I, it was friendship. He was a friend for me when I was passing through one of the worst phases of my life, and same was I for him. We were uninhibited in our friendship cos we had the assurance that we understood each other completely. Inspite of the thick friendship we had, when K proposed, I had a whole lot of doubt whether to convert such a lovely friendship into a complicated relationship. But then during the 6 months, that I kept him waiting, I saw, he was serious enough to take my responsibility and I was important enough for him to wait. As per me, even though I had dismissed him , it was his advise that I needed , his words that comforted me, his support that I seeked. We both had a good support system of family and friends, but it was each other we sought - we had allowed an innocent friendship and mutual trust and respect to gather itself into love - the unconditional forever and ever kinda love. It might sound clinical, but then I still feel, its upon us whether we want to fall in love or not. Its upon us whether we cross the line and surrender our self to another individual. That is the very reason why arranged marriages work. And that is how love works everywhere. And yes Now I say - I am in Love , truly, deeply (I would not say madly, cos with how logical I am being - I would nt be mad :D ) and unconditionally.

If I sum up what marriage does to me, it would be marriage gives me a cause to make better. Make everything better, myself, my career, my personality, my home, my husband. Women are driven by the emotion (I think I read this in Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) that if something works, it can work better. Marriage makes me work harder on that. Being a spinster, yes I used to work hard to improve my state, but to what end could I be driven? I would reach the zenith too easily. My radar would encompass me, my parents and my sister to the max. Now its my paternal home, my own home, my mil, and in the future our kids and theirs. The reason we both struggle to make it better is for each other, and for our combined future. That drive would never come if one is alone. And marriage does ensure that I am able to experience every possible emotion that God ever created. The depths of depression I feel when K and I fight would have never been in my life if it wasn't for marriage. Same way, the throes of exuberance I feel when he hugs me when hes back from office would not have been there in my life if it wasn't for marriage. Tension, love, planning, budget, family, career,life,holidays - every single thing I can think of has a different meaning thanks to wedlock. Believe it, this is coming from someone who was more or less a feminist till high school and never understood the efficacy of marriage. For me, back then it was just a gateway to loose ones individuality and take in a whole lot of trouble. But now I understand, there is more than just meets the eye. I don't say, life cant be lived alone. There are many who do lead it alone, due to various factors, and I applaud their ability to pull it off. But if one happens to be married, I don't think its a laddoo one repents eating, the laddoo is worth every bite, but each bite is not guaranteed to be sweet :D

Ps. This post is specially for Piper, and girl awesome questions there. I could never have such profound ideas. I always wanted to write about marriage, but there was so much in my head, I could never figure out where to start and where to end. You gave me direction.
Ashu,Jack,Renu, I would love if you would pen your 2 pints.
My post was entirely on personal experience and what I have seen in my limited scope. I know there are broken homes and utterly mismatched couples, I have a very close relative who has separated. If this post seemed totally skewed towards a rosy picture, my apologies for not having thought enough. And if I did not make any sense at alllll..... well thats me thinking aloud again, I might have uttered gibberish :D

Fighting the demons within

20 is a very important number for me - for personal landmarks. I got married on a 20th, I joined the firm which brought me back to K on the 20th and I complete 2 years with the same firm today on the 20th. It was on the 20th of last month that K left India. Its been a month! And I have had my shares of downs and not so downs :)

Somehow the lack of any friends or family in Chennai used to make me feel very jittery about K not being there with me. I used to live the emptiness before he left so that I get used to it. It was a futile exercise. The logical half of my mind did assert that I was wasting precious time which I could have with K. But then the pessimistic me used to think, better get used to things and live the reality that is gonna be there in some days. And things were such that, before his travel, we had 3 weeks just to ourselves. Mil acts as a balancing factor in the house. Her presence keeps us guided and grounded. Without her, we lost our tempers more easily, got distraught more quickly and completely drove the other person against the wall frequently. But then, us being us, we would patch up sooner than we fought and the Sorrys and "will miss you too"s and hugs would flow with equal ease later on. It was a big turmoil with everything uncertain and the only thing keeping us afloat being hope. We were not sure, whether to voice our concerns and discuss everything or not address some facts and be in denial till we could. Because discussing some tricky points might just make both of us feel more diffident and wary without the company and the support of the other. How we passed through those days is still a blur to me. Now its a fact that I am somehow coping without my bebe and hes somehow coping without his bunny.

I am not sure, how he manages to keep his sanity and his balance in the trying times that he is through. Work is jam packed for him and he has the company of some real good people. He does miss me, but he does'nt admit it. But I know exactly how I am faring. The day times zap through with cooking, walk, getting to work and getting work done occupying me completely. I am trying some changes on the work front; things are yet to move, but the struggle keeps me occupied. Many a times, in the midst of it all, when I suddenly feel a pang of dejection, I feel really lost. Those are the times I need K the most. At home its books and some other reading that keep me really busy. But then its just an attempt to fight the demons within. The demons of lonesomeness and pessimism. Many a times, I get into this mode when I imagine the worse case scenario. It is not a pleasant feeling at all and then I get bogged down by a million and one negative thoughts. Sometimes when someone else comes up and tells me their sad story, I simply am not able to think anything hopeful. I start feeling grumpy for the person in question and start pitying myself. I hate doing that, but that is the only thing I end up doing.

But then there are the other times, when I see everything through rose tinted glasses. I see everything falling into place, just as we hope. An all win scenario when everything at stake goes our way. It peps me up to no end. The optimist in me rises to the occasion and then grabs all the things that can be accomplished when the adrenaline rush continues. Those moments are simply great. I am at my best with K, I instill faith in my near and dear ones that I am doing great. I would love my mom not to sense my actual state of mind all the time. I wish she always felt I am doing good. But then shes a mom and a great mom at that with some Extra Sensory Perception. She happens to call me exactly when I am not so ok and does a remarkable job in making me feel better. Really its been to her divine strength that I get the will to move on - to think beyond the limitations. My darling sis, keeps talking to me as if shes my beau. She talks about normal stuff and silly things to keep me upbeat. I cannot speak enough about the efforts they are making to make me not fall into the pits of negativity.

Its a constant oscillation and an emotional roller coaster - hope to see the end of this phase soon. As dearest S my friend keeps telling me everytime I start on this sob story - This too will pass.

PS. S - thank you.