Severing ties

It's time again. To pack up and move shop. To severe some existing ties and move on in the hope of new, meaningful, sustainable ones. 

I have spent six years in this beautiful city. Six years ago, it seemed such a temporary arrangement, our landing in Leeds. I was on loss of pay leave for a year and in the absence of employment in the UK harboured thoughts of moving back to India at the end of the year. There were other plans laid out for us. I secured a job and K 's tenure kept getting extended. I had my first child and left my first job in the UK to work in the same firm as K. We were blessed with our second diva. I feel a strange camaraderie with this city. I never felt like an alien. I felt one amongst the many souls trying to make a living.

I feel I know so many people, though I don't actually know them! The parents I pass when I drop and pick up Chiyaa in daycare. I might not know them but I recognise them and acknowledge them. The shopkeepers in the farmer's market that we goto every week. The cashiers in the local convenience stores. The security people of the apartment. I could go on about the little ties here and there, like small capillaries carrying life blood into all parts of an organism. Apart from these there are the main veins and arteries. Primary is my midwife. She kept me ever so confident during my first pregnancy to handle everything without any help from elders. Coincidentally she was around the second time too. She must have seen so many women in the span of three years. But when she saw me and gave a smile, I asked 'Do you remember me?' And she said 'Of course I do!' That was a simply awesome for her to say those words. She and I share the same date of birth. We have spoken a lot about our families, about health facts, career, kids, and many other.

 I share a good relationship with many of my colleagues. I have been able to tell them about home and family without inhibition. I feel very fortunate to have met such nice people. I might come back to work with the same bunch, or I might be forced to move on post my maternity break. I will definitely miss seeing them on a daily basis . 

Chiyaa's carers in nursery have also been a lovely bunch. I have felt so confident and assured in dropping her there and going to work. I have never for a moment felt insecure or ill at ease. Over the years I have seen her mature and become a social individual. I have only her daycare staff to thank for so many positive changes in her.

Two years ago  , a college mate of mine moved to the UK. She was initially in a different city but then ended up moving to Leeds ! What are the odds. Trust me such things do not happen to me. We hung around quite a bit initially till the rigours of kids and work made the meetings few and far between. Till last year when I announced my pregnancy to her. I used to take frequent leaves and we both could chill and enjoy a quiet  lunch once in a while. She and my mom also got on famously. Since the birth of Pumki we have been able to spend more time together.  She has a little boy, the same age as Chiyaa, it's a double whammy for us. It is too bad that she came in so late :(This city made it possible to meet an old flat mate and my best friend. 

Things change pretty fast in a progressive city. I remember wondering if we could have a kfc nearer home, K wondering if there could be bigger mall, and a few more wishful thoughts which all came true one way or the other. We still have a month here. But it seems too less. I feel   I have to run through a lot. Visit the city centre for those final glimpses, meet people, visit the eating joints - do everything that one last time - all of them need to be done with a sense of urgency for me. I know we can always visit the place, but I feel living here has been a very blissful experience. I will always love Leeds!

End of a chapter?

How things pan out! Steve Jobs got it right when he said, when  we connect the dots later that things make sense. Last Friday was K's last day in his current assignment. A few months ago I had written about having worked with K for a bit and wrapping up work for my maternity leave. Now it was K's turn to bid adieu to the people he had worked with for 8 years. Come to think of it,he had worked with the same set of people for as long as he had been married to me!

I kept asking K if he was feeling OK. He was raring to go on to the new assignment  which was to be in another city. I was in fact more emotional about him leaving the place. It was a dream to have worked with K in the same department and eventually in the same project. The odds of that happening again seemed a distant dream. 

His last day in Leeds, I kept visualising how he must be winding down. I was filled with nostalgia. I would miss the days we could work from home together, I would miss our walks to work, the lunches, the office communicator messages, the total understanding of each other's work since we knew the people the other was talking about. It was good fun. With K moving on it seemed like the end of a wonderful chapter.

As I picked up Chiyaa from daycare, we met K on the way. Chiyaa was beside herself with glee. As she walked home holding her parents, I could not help but think, this was the last instance of coming back together. End of a hefty chapter made up of so many forgotten bits.

Celebrating growing up and moving on

A week back, my first born turned four. Its been four years since we have been parents to this wonderful person. Does not seem long that this fragile being was handed to us in the brightly lit operation theatre and we embarked on our journey. We had no parents or elders around and had up cruise through the initial days with help from colleagues. Somehow we managed to keep our sanity through the early trials of feeding, sleepless nights and innumerable more household chores. She was a very cooperative baby. She had her struggles and health issues and it felt like she was our partner through our struggles. 

That little baby grew into a rebellious toddler who was just as much fun. She loved an active life and loved the life outdoors. She was never an impediment to anything. We were out and  about a lot with her. She was always game for a good round of rough -housing. As a pre-schoooler I have seen her personality evolve. She is a little lady, much into princesses (thanks to Disney 's Frozen!) She has a few best friends ;) Her intellect, her care,her mischievous self, her shyness, her confidence - the diverse aspects of her still evolving personality shine through and amaze me. I sometimes feel scared that think if I might spoil something so valuable handed over to me by my impatience, my ignorance,my nonchalance. 

Since this is her last year in nursery, we decided to throw a party for her friends. It was really fun searching the venue, deciding the menu,getting the return gifts and hosting the party. It was a wonderful kids only party. We had some light snacks for the adults as the kids went crazy in the soft play area. Everybody had a wonderful time. We were sceptical that the venue was  bit small, but the place  was  commended by the adults as being the right size to have an eye on the kids without having to intervene too much. Since the place was a bit on the smaller side, I personally felt all the parents interacted with each other during play time. I have been to parties where the venue is very large and there are  isolated groups of parents. Because this place was small and compact every body mingled very well. I ensured that Chiyaa welcomed her friends and thanked them for the gifts. Whenever I called upon her, she would obediently come and say 'will you come and play on the slide with me?' I was so impressed by this. She literally had a customised welcome message without anyone having taught her! 

She gives Oh so many moments  when I am uber proud of her and wonder how did I get so lucky? When she drives me to my wits end with her shenanigans, I think of her good  bits, the times I have felt proud of her, the times I have felt like taking her in my arms and saving her  from the vagaries of the world. In some months she will go to  school, and I already see her mature so much with the advent of a baby sister. She will soon leave her nursery friends, she will never even remember the carers with whom she has spent close to 2 years of her life. Wish there was some sort of social networking  site to keep in touch and keep posted, but then I think how long would one be interested in keeping in touch. Don't we all promise our teachers with glowing sentimentality that we will keep in touch forever and ever. But we all move on, the teachers to new students, the pupils to new teachers. Many years hence I am sure I will forget how proud I was of the little birdie on her fourth birthday, this post is for my record keeping as well. So that I can come back to this page in the world wide web and always relive it. I am ever so proud of you my dear and I hope I don't disappoint you. 

I miss House

Notice the title I said I miss House, not home ;) and the house has a capital h. I miss the show House M.D. The show was recommended by a Furobiker. After a few shows  failed to grab my attention and interest, I decided to give it a go. I am into medicine soaps.  I loved Scrubs. The novel Doctors by Eric Segal is one of my favourites. It was eye opening. But I did not want to be drawn into and random E.R kinda stuff. E.R is hugely popular, but it is not my type ;) 

I watched the first episode,and it was witty, funny, well acted, gripping and intelligent. Yes the most important aspect - it was intelligent. I  like medical detail. With Papa being a microbiologist, and having taken botany and zoology  after 10th, I am au fait with some of the facts. When I visit doctors I try to follow their rationale. So this was totally my kind of show. As the seasons progressed I started googling diseases like sarcoidosis, lupus, auto immune, Huntington 's disease, encephalopathy. It was quite interesting to find more details. 

Each episode is a case where a medical mystery is solved. But there were many human aspects and idiosyncrasies that were revealed. The best parts were House's personality traits. He was a genius physician. He was also conversant in multiple languages. He was a self obsessed, arrogant, drug addiction who regularly resorted to prostitutes. He manipulative to the core. He did not possess the characteristics that I would like in reality. But Hugh Laurie's portrayal of an anti social, narcissistic, egotist was endearing. In fact he came across as a very intelligent man -child . The ultimate anti hero :D I would say he joins in the league of Howard Roark and Atticus Finch in protagonists I have a crush on ( though Roark and Finch are not anti heros) 

As the episodes progressed, the subtle ties that bonded and gagged the team (House's colleagues / subordinates) were revealed. As were some of the emotional aspects of House. They were very well etched and made interesting viewing. A very good element of human quirks were added by the patients in the clinic. The celebration of friendship of House and oncologist Wilson was the icing on the cake for me. It was the typical 'House' relationship, filled with one-upmanship, deception, manipulation and sabotage. But it was a true relationship. It was a lasting relationship. It was a relationship that could stand the test of each character's limitations. The season finales were very intriguing and a fitting end to each season. Somehow in that respect I was a bit let down by the series finale. 

On the whole House has been a splendid watch. Joining the ranks of Homeland and Breaking Bad. 

Wild

The book Wild is about a  woman Cheryl Strayed who ventures on the hike of the Pacific Crest Trail in the wake of the demise of her mother. It is a continuous wilderness trail that goes from the Mexican border in California to just beyond the Canadian border along the crest of 9 mountain ranges. It is a 1000 miles in a straight line, but double that when walked. She is ill-prepared, young  and impulsive. She undertakes the arduous journey on an impulse and absolutely no sense of purpose. As they say, its about the journey not the destination, the journey changes her. 

The book celebrates the unabashed love of a daughter for her mother. Something I am oh so guilty of! My mother is my most favourite person in the whole wide world. As in, I like my mother not just because she is my mother, but as a person too. What Cheryl does and undergoes when her mother passes away is overwhelming. She literally throws her whole life away. Time and again, she keeps dipping into the fact just how much her mother loved her children and how much of an epic presence she was, Truth be told, there was a point, where I even thought, when I am left without my mother, will I be as devastated as Cheryl was? Maybe not. And I hope not. Being so devastated, would need something monumental like hiking through the Pacific Crest Trail to recover. 

The book celebrates the love of a child for her mother. I remember when my paternal grandmother had passed away, Papa had said 'I have no one to call bou (the Odia word for mother). I do not have a mother.' 

Ah well, I digress from the book. 

The book keeps going back into instances in Cheryl's life. Incidents that shaped her. I thoroughly enjoyed those glimpses into her past. Those portions are way more well written than some of the details of her journey in the first half of the book. Some of the narratives of the details of the trail were a bit tedious. I felt there was a bit too much detail. There is a description of Lake Crater, which took my breath away! I had never known the details of the lake, but the way she has gone about describing it, compelled me to Google the same. It is one of my wish list to visit the lake one day.... God willing. Another item, that the book made me add on my wishlist was undertake a hiking holiday with my family. Maybe once the kids are big enough to walk a longish duration but not big enough to be encumbered by the burden of studies, I would love to spend at least a couple of days walking with them. *Sighs*

The book picks up pace towards the last quarter. She is funnier and her anecdotes are narrated with way more suspense. In the end as expected, she becomes philosophical. I quite liked the philosophy. It is simple. It is rational. 

The book is definitely worth picking up. So much so, as I finish writing this, I have decided to read the book again :) 

The lil big sis

The new addition to our family elevated the status of Chiyaa. She was promoted to 'big sister'. We were very sceptical as to how she would take a new baby. We kept preparing her during the pregnancy. We kept telling her how mummy's tummy has the baby and that it would come out one day. We prepared her by saying babies would initially sleep a lot and cry a lot. Chiyaa was very excited and receptive of the upcoming changes. But we were not sure how would deal with the facts when they actually manifest. Once when I had asked her 'is mummy's tummy really big?' She said ' no mummy you are beautiful' :) (I know she is precious) Another time when I asked 'do you know why mummy's tummy is big?' She replied 'because you ate lots and lots!'( Ahem there is some truth in that) 

 The day I was to be induced into labour, we had to sneak out of the house lest Chiyaa raise a hue and cry about both her parents leaving. She was pretty good for quite some time till she suddenly realised mom and dad were missing. It was easy to convince her that dad had gone to office since she was used to it. But I was on holiday for a couple of weeks and she could not digest  the absence of mommy. Somehow my mom convinced her that I would  be back soon. She was OK for most of the time. Sometimes when she got reminded of us she would sob a bit. But mummy said she used to become normal pretty quickly. 

In the hospital I kept thinking about how Chiyaa was doing. My mom kept sending me pics of her playing, being her naughty self which were a big reassurance. I hoped for everything to be over soon so that I could be with my cup cake as soon as possible.

The second day of our hospital stay we had the second cup cake. Chiyaa and mom came to visit in the room. Chiyaa was very intimidated seeing all the tubes and pipes stuck to me. She did not come near me at all though she happily picked the baby and kissed her. With a crest fallen heart she went back home. The next day when K was home but I wasn't she very innocently asked 'is mummy more poorly?' Mummy and K convinced her that I was fine and in the hospital to become bigger and stronger.

Once back home Chiyaa was her usual super helpful self. We were scared of sibling rivalry. So we were totally unprepared for sibling over-enthusiasm. ;) Chiyaa wanted to do everything for the baby. If we did not allow her stating she was too young she would sulk in a corner. It was like walking around egg shells so as not to hurt her feelings at the same time keeping the new baby safe. For the first few days after both of us were back from the hospital she would not venture anywhere leaving me or her baby sis. We would have liked her to go out and get some fresh air and activity outside, but she was scared of leaving her mom and sis. We thought she would become a clingy little kitty but with time she got better. She enjoyed going out with daddy and coming back with goodies for mom and sis. 

Chiyaa loves her sister a lot (as of now ;)) which makes us feel our mission to expand the family has been a rousing success. But I would be failing if I  dint give credit to the big girl herself. She is a very mature, loving and sensible individual. She understands many things quite quickly and effectively deals with them. She rarely throws a tantrum - even when we are in a toy store buying gifts for another kid, she may want something for a moment but touchwood  it's relatively easy to distract her. Given these I feel young Pumpki is lucky to have an awesome elder sis like Chiyaa. 

Deja vu

Disclaimer: Once again a pretty personal post and more for my record keeping. Spinsters and people with no kids yet please look away. Seriously DO NOT READ FURTHER.

Did not expect to be back so soon, but I guess having mom and some experience is making some difference. 

K and I welcomed our second daughter last Monday. I had a more or less uneventful pregnancy except for being diagnosed with gestational diabetes in the third trimester. Since it could  have an impact on the growth of the baby, I was given a date to be induced into labour if things did not materialise naturally. I kept hoping and praying that nature would take its course. After having a section for Chiyaa I wanted a more natural procedure this time. A week before the scheduled induction  I was a nervous wreck. My mom was confident things would proceed to the best outcomes. I was not very open to share my fears with her because I did not want her to feel worried about me. K was in his own world where he thought 'the baby and would come out like a banana ' ( mind you those were his exact words!) I used to lay sleepless at night thinking and crying. I was an emotional wreck. Roomie dear 's words were some consolation. Having had a baby through induction she said the experience was 'mesmerising'. I hoped I had similar words at the end of the procedure. 

The day arrived. A nice sunny day. Not a day meant to be induced into labour but a perfect day for taking a walk and window shopping. We went to the designated ward and were told to wait. While we waited I read a novel while K browsed. We must have looked like the ultimately relaxed  couple,  but I for one had serious butterflies in my stomach. Finally at noon I got the stuff to get the induction started.

Within 20 mins I started feeling uneasy.  K and I went for a walk downstairs. I thought it was just the sensation of something alien in my body. But even a stroll of 20 mins seemed arduous. We returned  to the room. I asked the midwife if things were progressing or all of it was my imagination. The midwife said things were definitely progressing. Around 1800 I asked for my first pain killers. I could take one every 4 hours. I took another at 2200. K said I was like one of the characters of Breaking  Bad  looking for my drugs fix ;). We spent the time watching House on Netflix  :) Thank God for technology! I also walked around the room listening to music. At 2300 the midwife did an examination. I was having regular contractions but was not in established labour nor had my waters broken. She decided to take me off the induction hormones to stabilise the body and see if things progressed naturally. She advised me to get some rest. She dimmed the lights and I got a fitful and painful couple of hours of sleep. Poor K tried sleeping stretched on the chairs, putting some makeshift stuff on the floor and even sitting beside me on the bed. The night shift midwife was very diligent coming every 30 mins and checking me. Through my groggy sleep i could see her looking at me and checking the intensity of contractions. At 0200 the doctor was supposed to see me and give the next course of action since my body was not getting into established labour on its own. Apparently there were quite a few  emergency and surgery cases, that we finally got seen by the doc at 0500! He concluded that the only way to progress was to  restart the induction hormones. By 0700 I was back to square one - experiencing contractions but not in established labour neither  had my waters broken nor were they in the position to be broken artificially. 0730 saw the change of yet another shift and I saw the third midwife! As this midwife was being transitioned by the night shift one, the latter mentioned - 'this is a typical deja vu. Last time she was induced at term +2, this time at term +3 (which had become 4 by now), her body does not seem to be adjusting too well to the propess(the induction hormone carrying device) She had fetal distress the last time, so had emergency cesearian. We might be going the same route this time.' The morning shift mid wife mentioned -' it might be better to go the surgery route.' The night shift lady bid good bye saying, 'we are eventually going to have this baby '

The new midwife thought it was a good idea to get the view of the doctor. The doctor came in and was of the opinion that the induction drugs remained  for 24 more hours. Once he had left the midwife came close to me and said 'you do not have to listen to him just because he is a doctor. You can choose what you want to do.' K found this move of hers utterly manipulative. She seemed to be in a rush to him. But then K and I gave it a thought. Was it worth it being in pain for the next 24 hours and still being in the same situation. What if we were to go into surgery anyways tomorrow because of the induction not working? We agreed it was a bit of an irony that we went through all the trouble for a normal procedure and inspite of all the pain had to opt for the additional risk and pain of surgery. But then it was better to take a call sooner rather than later. The words of a friend rang ' there is no medal for enduring pain!' With that being the cornerstone of our argument, we decided to go for a section again. 

At 1202 I saw little Shambhavi in K's arms. I remember one of the apps I was using during pregnancy having a section ' what are you going to miss about being pregnant. And I in my logical pregnant self had thought nothing - nothing at all!)  I will never be pregnant again (we definitely don't want to birth more kids) Despite all the inconveniences of pregnancy I will not feel the flutter of movement in my tummy ever again, I will never feel the excitement of what the stork is going to hand, I will never wait with trepidation for a date. I will never have a chance at a normal delivery. I never understood women who had a section and used to feel they have been bereft of something. Again my super logical self used to think, as long as mom and child are healthy, the how should not matter. But it does. 

Well all of it is water under the bridge. As my body recovers,my mind has to accept the realities as well. I could play through a lot of if -then -else scenarios. As of now I am ever grateful for the newest addition who has made our family complete. I certainly stand by Vidya Balan 's dialogue in the movie Paa - everyone should be a mother once.