The first day is the hardest

It's been a week. Feels like yesterday literally. The same murky weather. The same desolate feeling. 

Mummy started at 0430 last Monday . There were a lot of tears. I tried to sleep after she left. But I used to sleep with her and Pumpki since we moved to Leeds. And the bed seemed weird without her.  It smelled of mummy but she wasn't the. 

Routine kicked in once we all woke up. But it was so lifeless. Mummy had left an unfinished cup of tea. What wouldnt I do to have her back. It was all monotonous. I went through the rigors of the day. I got the kids ready and K went to work. I was on leave for 3 days. It would take time to recover after such a supporting pillar was removed. After dropping Chiyaa, I reached home and removed Pumpki 's coat. She thought I was undressing her to give her a bath. And she said 'take bath. Tubi'. Mummy had always given her a bath. So she was looking for mummy. I couldn't control and burst out crying. 

Every single thing reminded me if her. She was an active part of every aspect of my life. When I opened the phone, the screen was on the last book she was reading from my phone.  It was 11 o clock and I missed her admonishing tone asking me ' it's 11 when are you going to eat?'. I took Pumpki to her nursery and I missed her beside me. After I dropped Pumpki I missed our conversations as I shopped for some treats for the kids during pick up. She had  helped me move house, shop and set up the house. She was the bedrock through a very tough part of my life and I missed her immensely. 

When Chiyaa came home from school she screamed something about what happened in school. I asked who was she telling and she casually said ' tubi'. I could not control my tears at the innocence of the child. I told her that tubi had gone back to India. She took it bravely. 

Mummy was half way at Doha by then. She tried video calling us but the reception was not good. In six more hours she would be with her other daughter. I could not help but feel excited on her behalf. 

The next day at 10 when I saw her online after a day, I felt sane again. Mummy's presence, her vibe, her positivity, her peace - what would I do without this great support in my life. Days without her are tough. Not in the physical sense. I miss her calming effect. I miss her unconditional care. As she was departing from my home she said ' I hope your kids grow up soon, becomes independent and don't need anyone.' Such selfless love. I wonder if I have seen it any one.