The numbness

The numbness is weird. I am supposed to feel sad, anxious, uncomfortable. But I am not feeling any of it. I am feeling weird for sure. I wish I could crawl into bed and  lie in this numb state. Or  talk to my mom or my sister. 

Papa has left for India and I  feel blank. 

 K and I had plans of taking the day off, as we tend to do when a parent leaves for India. But Chiyaa had a day off because her school was closed on the Friday. So I took the day off to be with her. And of course to be with papa and mummy and Pumpki. It felt like it would be better use of a holiday to be with papa rather than to think about him after he has left. Since I am on a shoe string holiday allowance in the new place, I did not have any more leaves to take. 

On Friday we planned to finish off some official work during the morning. Once that was done, we  went for lunch nearby. Five of us marched  on to the pub to have some  classic British pub food. It was delicious. But more importantly we all had an immensely good time. We laughed, we shared stories, the girls even played with the dog of the pub owner. It was amazing fun. 

Thankfully I was not counting down to the day papa would leave. I was being calm and enjoying the moment. I knew I had three days and I was to make the most of it.  The next day was quiet. Papa continued with his writing and text book work while we were busy with chores with kids. Sunday I made plans to go to the city center to enjoy the city lights and Christmas decorations. Papa was quite keen to have a last look at them all. He  enjoys and soaks in the sights and sounds of the city. But rain played spoil sport. It was too soaky and papa wasn't too keen to venture out. Mummy, the kids and I stepped out. We had a lot of fun though we missed papa. We chatted late into the night.

 Today  when I woke up in the morning papa was already up and at the dining table.  He said his fun time was over. I knew he was feeling torn inside. He is also a very nervous traveller. So I was very worried about his state of mind. He seemed ok in the morning. He started to finish the final preparations for the journey.

Chiyaa  likes papa a lot. More than she likes mummy to be honest. Papa didn't want her to be tormented by the information that he would be travelling to India soon. So it was only over the weekend K told her that ajaa was travelling back. She has a different way of dealing with things. She asked him who would vaccum the house when he was gone ( papa used to vaccum the house everyday. She used to be annoyed if she was watching TV or he asked her to move.) That she was asking for it made us feel so sad. She also said that he had promised 6 months but he was going back earlier. We were not sure how Chiyaa would handle his absence. 

 Chiyaa woke up and was very subdued. She had her breakfast and was about to go on to get ready. Papa came back all dressed. Not seeing papa at the dining table as other days, she had assumed he had left. So she was acting quiet. When she saw him, she hugged him. No words said. No tears shed. She only hugged him. Papa was crying bitterly. He  managed to say “I love you.”

We all got ready to start to our respective work places. Pumpki also woke up and sat with Papa. It was heartbreaking. The silence, the waiting for the cab to come. It finally did and papa managed to say “take care, become even better when I come next time. I will only see you in videos till we meet again”. I was sad, but I knew it was inevitable that he leave.

I hope to have a good cry tonight and get rid of the numbness.