When a man loves a woman

Are we supposed to be done with feeling in love and all? No right? I think we have to be lovey dovey the entire month, eh? 

But it ever so happens that I loose it sometimes somewhere in the beginning of the year. I just allow myself to be thrown off the track. This time it happened on the day following Valentine's day. Something minor happened, but me being all Sherlock Holmes, took it way too seriously.  ( Roomie dear, you know each excruciating detail). So I let my drinking habit kick in (Yes people I confess I have a drinking problem. When sad, I don't revive myself with the normal happy stuff like mindless movies or silly sitcoms. I go to a big mug of ginger tea. And I keep on drinking :D ) I don't feel a lot better, I feel bloated, I feel as if there is acid building in my digestive system and I sit on the banks of the river called guilt thinking about the sugar (=calories) I took in with the mugs of tea. 

Its a slippery slope friends. I know anyone with a drinking problem will vouch for it (or for that matter anyone with a chocolate addiction) So Tuesday night I retired to bed way too early (inspite of the gallons of tea) . And when I woke in the morning, K had the whole house arranged, all the dishes washed and even cute post its for me. He took the day off and we spent all the time having a How I Met Your Mother marathon and eating lots of ice cream and the cakes. I did not budge as the local pizza joint had our dinner ready. It was entirely K's show with him doing all the stuff from choosing the pizza, fetching the stuff, getting it re-heated and also cleaning up.  

Today as I slowly limped back to normalcy (its back to 2 mugs per day, the mugs have to become decent civilised sized ones, the one I am using currently is more like a beer mug),life looks a bit better. I would want some more sunshine God. But till then Thank You Chubby God for one person who has held me through and just stood by, unquestioning, just the right amount of sugar and just the right amount of spice. Bebe you rock :D

Ps. 

1. I love the movie When a man loves a woman - makes me go Awww... and cringe with a feeling of love. Yes even an un-romantic person like me

2. While I was writing this post, I had this song going on, completely situational. Yea, tumse hi tumse har baat hai!

3. Promise completely up beat and non - senti post next time. 

When Logic fails

I somehow had to put this down inspite of facing a major time crunch. I am full of so many thoughts, that I just had to get it out of my system.

Things are not very upbeat on the work front. There are still numerous questions at work for which there is no resolution in sight. I have brought upon me a certain amount of uncertainty by taking some decisions. Its more like I have tossed a route where everything seemed predictable if not challenging and have forced myself into a scenario where everything could change for the worse. But then you never know whats beyond the door until you cross the threshold. And that is what propels me to go on. In spite of all the quandaries, in spite of everything that is so secure now going to the dumps, I have taken a chance and now there is no turning back. Unsure of anything I have prayed incessantly. I read an interesting piece in TOI which said, when God does not answer your prayers, that IS His answer. Somehow it seemed to make a lot of sense, and maybe the meaning will fall into place, only when I see the bigger picture with the passage of time.

On top of that, the developments at K's work place have been such that, we might need to be away from each other for a longish period of time. I have put myself in doldrums with respect to the work front by calling upon some changes rather than going on the beaten track, so I would not be in a position to accompany him. Each time as I mentally prepare myself for our period of being away, I am intimidated by the times that are to come. I am sure I would need all the support from K and I also know that this is the time I should be most supportive of K. But, sometimes logic fails. And I see myself wallowing in self pity and depression. At times, I blame K for bringing this upon us, which then brings in another bout of anxiety, fights and another guilt trip. I know its no ones fault, they are just tough times which are meant to pass, but then wish this logical state of mind always remains. The thought of how times might be without him, make me feel too sad, while at other times I feel, its just the forethought that makes one imagine the worse case scenario. Once the phase starts, it will not be as bad as we imagine. But the thought of not having his messy clothes around, not scolding him for doing the chores that he forgets to do, attending family functions without him beside me and generally not feeling his aura in the same city, makes me feel listless. My friend S who is in the same state says, it passes, we only need to fight the bad mood days :) Hope its as easy as you make it seem to be. I am sure, K too has his doubts and emotions but he chooses to keep them to himself.....

My friend A unknowingly has been a source of a lot of strength. She and I think very alike, and somehow during my random rants with her, I get a lot of positive energy. I am sure once K leaves, I am doing to keep bugging her a lot. I know I will get something or the other to occupy me and of course there will be books. And I know of so many couples who have been apart for longer times. For that matter my parents, both being in government service at one time, had nearly 10 years away from each other. I do not know how they managed it, but I will have to buck up and take up the challenge.........

When will this pass?

Its going to be close to a week since we saw off dear sissy at her work - and the emptiness is yet to go. What bothers me more is the state my parents are in. I have not heard them happy since Monday. There is a strange note in their voice - something which makes me feel like leaving everything and rushing to them.

When I moved out of the house, which was a good 9 years ago, never once did my parents urge me to come home. Yes they used to miss me and they wished I was around with them, but they always stressed what I was doing then was more important than home. I always had stern directives, if classes are a bit slack then come home. If the project release is over, then come home. I always had an assurance, they are fine without me. Even if they missed me, it never came out overtly except sometimes over phone calls and letters. I always felt my parents are self reliant and I used to be proud of the fact.

But now that they are alone, their loneliness just comes through in every word they say. In spite of having an active social life, I feel as if they are yet to escape their loneliness. Mom asked me if would be possible for me to come over for a week in July and dad went to the extent of saying, take a month's leave and be with us. I know they are saying all this in a fit of weakness and emotions. Still it makes me feel helpless. It is so unfair, that parents spend a good part of their lives fending for the very children who one day might not even be close to them. The gross injustice of this fact leaves me suffocated.

And I feel completely at a loss reaching a solution for this scenario. 2 days back, I was nearly tempted to ask my supervisor, if it would possible for me to attain a work from home option alternate months or so. On another occasion I was thinking, how good it might be if my parents move base for a year or so, say take up a house in my city and be here just to be closer to us. Otherwise I keep mulling how good a puppy be in replacing us and then again I wonder, how about adopting a child and giving a good upbringing for someone with a disadvantage. I do know that all these options are just an eye wash - a mere veneer to cover a deep scar. But I so wish, I had some remediation. I see the same situation for a lady who is our neighbour. She too has 2 daughters, married and settled and her husband is no more. She is as busy as any other working lady being voraciously involved in religious and charitable activities. I admire how she gives the same commitment to so many activities she is involved in. But when sometimes mil says, she breaks down into tears sometimes when she was misses her husband and her children, I felt exasperated.

Phew! I am not sure if I went through a whole lot of ranting. Some of my readers are in the situation my parents are in - I would love to hear how they deal with it and maybe give some insights into how my parents might be feeling at deeper level. If they feel there is something I should do that could better things, I would be most welcome to do it. I hope this passes over soon :S

Mixed emotions

The last couple of days have been full of ups and downs. Literally they been like a wave diagram as it used to be in the class VIII Physics text books.

Last Friday, the 27th of Feb, I was all agog to venture on my trip home. Thursday was a bit of a spoiler cos mil had to go sil s place, since she was needed there. I was a bit worried since the duration of her stay out there was unsure, and I was a bit concerned for K, cos without any one to give him his daily grub, he would get very very negligent of his food. And that was the last thing I wanted keeping his busy schedule in mind. But then I was reassured by K again and again, that he would take care of himself and I would do good to take a chill pill and stop worrying about him.

After that lengthy sermon from him, I was rest assured. And I was back in my pepped up spirits on Friday. But then, I happened to loose my cell phone on the way back from the gym. The Sony Ericsson W580i which I loved to hate - that phone worth 10K + , that phone which was nearly indispensable for me slipped somewhere and I lost it. I sobbed my heart out and I was more shaken because I was travelling that very day. I had to coordinate stuff with so many folks, the call taxi, a friend I was planning to meet up that day, the folks I intended to catch up with when I was at Hyd, etc etc. I got on with work as soon as I reached home, got searching signatures of people in emails and took down their numbers and called as many as possible from the landline. I even went and registered a complaint at the local police station, boy I summoned some amount of guts for that.

The onward journey to Hyderbad was very pleasurable since the co passengers of mine were very friendly. One happened to be from Mumbai, one from Gujrat, one from Bihar, one passenger from Haryana, another person from Kerala, I was from Orissa and finally there was a couple from Andhra Pradesh who seemed more like conjoined twins to me ;) So this band of Bharatwasis were on analysing every place of India, lifestyles of different parts, culture, food, politics and anything else that we could think of. After a really long time, I had a pleasurable trip in the train, where we actually were so pally. I will always remember this train trip as one of my most pleasurable ones. And finally Sh hugging me as soon as I alighted at the Secunderabad Railway station made me feel - I have reached the place which I connect with.

That day we did not venture out much, thanks to the enervating heat and I not being able to contact most folks. The day was spent leisurely, making gobi parathas and ginger tea, chatting about home and work, playing agony aunty and my friends being all questions about my new life. It was really humbling to learn, how even after close to a year, my friends still talk about me and kinda miss me. When Sh said, "Amrita has come here but I feel at home now " nearly brought tears in my eyes. And A as usual bore the brunt of Sh and my jokes in her usual sportive self. God bless you both sweethearts and hope your troubles go away Sh. And you both owe me a trip to Chennai.


The next day had my mom and I making a trip to the Chilkur Balaji temple, and preparation of a wholesome Oriya meal for lunch and then off to the airport for the onward trip to Bhubaneswar. Reaching Bhubaneswar, I was happy on one hand to see my folks, but then I was missing Hyd and my friends and was also feeling a bit anxious for K. A whole topsy turvy trip full of mixed emotions :S

This funny feeling

This might end up being a very mushy post and I will end up hating myself for writing this. But then what the heck - this is the only way to get the thoughts out of my system I suppose.

Lately, I have been missing K a lot. Its not like we are in different places but still - its been 4 days since I spoke to him. And no its not because of any fight - its because of work. His work is way too hectic and he has to go through the whole rigmarole of working late nights. So most of our conversations are through the short messaging services. But how much conversation can you make when you have one deadline or the other breathing down your neck. By the time K gets back home which is mostly around 0130 hours yours truly is fast asleep cos I am not at all those pati vrata types who dont eat or sleep till hubby dear returns. My sister calls me a "sleepaholic" and I never trouble my stomach because if it rumbles hell breaks loose. Mornings when I am up around 0600ish, I have to scoot around the house to get the lunches and breakfasts ready. K has time just to scan through the morning newspaper and if he finds anything interesting he brings it to our knowledge. In the meanwhile mil tries to give him an update of what she might have done the previous day. Poor thing, she always has something interesting happening each day and has some tale to tell about how she spent her day ( being a working woman till last year - she finds each day at home different from the other :) ) And she gets hardly 15 minutes with her son. After that done, K scurries out to catch his bus to office and both the women are left with an empty feeling. K is really the sun of the house( not son) - the house revolves around him :)

I understand that he has to work it all out because there were some resource issues in the last couple of years because of which his performance got slackened. And this is the opportunity for him to rise and shine.

Keeping the hectic days in mind, I had planned a small outing just for the 2 of us because we were getting a bunch of holidays in the month of April. But then the scroogy manager of K's did not allow even a days leave - so much so he said, that that time everyone might be needed in office even during the holidays. That miffed me so much that I was all mowed down the whole day through Monday. I even thought of writing a saddy sad post enumerating that feeling, but never got the chance. Then gradually I thought, such things keep happening - he has got to work, rather than making him feel guilty by making a long face, I should try to support him as far as possible.

And day after tomorrow, I am going to my parents place. In the middle I will make a stop at Hyderabad to finish some pending tasks and I will also get to meet my the people I used to stay with there. I will get the chance to meet atleast some of the folks I mentioned here. But still I dont know why I am feeling a bit weird. I am not sure is it because, I will be missing K since after a span of 1 year and 1 month and 8 days, I will actually be away from him? Is it because I have to undertake a travel alone after some 6 trips undertaken last year, all of them with K ? Is it so that I who had had so many journeys all alone is feeling queasy because I had gotten used to him being with me?

I am not sure whats wrong? Why am I so disconcerted? Why am I feeling all jittery? Why am I so restless? Whats this funny feeling?