When Logic fails

I somehow had to put this down inspite of facing a major time crunch. I am full of so many thoughts, that I just had to get it out of my system.

Things are not very upbeat on the work front. There are still numerous questions at work for which there is no resolution in sight. I have brought upon me a certain amount of uncertainty by taking some decisions. Its more like I have tossed a route where everything seemed predictable if not challenging and have forced myself into a scenario where everything could change for the worse. But then you never know whats beyond the door until you cross the threshold. And that is what propels me to go on. In spite of all the quandaries, in spite of everything that is so secure now going to the dumps, I have taken a chance and now there is no turning back. Unsure of anything I have prayed incessantly. I read an interesting piece in TOI which said, when God does not answer your prayers, that IS His answer. Somehow it seemed to make a lot of sense, and maybe the meaning will fall into place, only when I see the bigger picture with the passage of time.

On top of that, the developments at K's work place have been such that, we might need to be away from each other for a longish period of time. I have put myself in doldrums with respect to the work front by calling upon some changes rather than going on the beaten track, so I would not be in a position to accompany him. Each time as I mentally prepare myself for our period of being away, I am intimidated by the times that are to come. I am sure I would need all the support from K and I also know that this is the time I should be most supportive of K. But, sometimes logic fails. And I see myself wallowing in self pity and depression. At times, I blame K for bringing this upon us, which then brings in another bout of anxiety, fights and another guilt trip. I know its no ones fault, they are just tough times which are meant to pass, but then wish this logical state of mind always remains. The thought of how times might be without him, make me feel too sad, while at other times I feel, its just the forethought that makes one imagine the worse case scenario. Once the phase starts, it will not be as bad as we imagine. But the thought of not having his messy clothes around, not scolding him for doing the chores that he forgets to do, attending family functions without him beside me and generally not feeling his aura in the same city, makes me feel listless. My friend S who is in the same state says, it passes, we only need to fight the bad mood days :) Hope its as easy as you make it seem to be. I am sure, K too has his doubts and emotions but he chooses to keep them to himself.....

My friend A unknowingly has been a source of a lot of strength. She and I think very alike, and somehow during my random rants with her, I get a lot of positive energy. I am sure once K leaves, I am doing to keep bugging her a lot. I know I will get something or the other to occupy me and of course there will be books. And I know of so many couples who have been apart for longer times. For that matter my parents, both being in government service at one time, had nearly 10 years away from each other. I do not know how they managed it, but I will have to buck up and take up the challenge.........

Chalo tag karte hain

Renu tagged me, well I caught it late, and here is my work product :)


1. What is your current obsession?
Getting the stuff at work right

2. What are you wearing today?
Skirt and T shirt

3. What’s for dinner?
Poha - K wanted something light

4. What’s the last thing you bought?
Veggies for the weekend :)

5. What are you listening to right now?
Dil to bachcha hai jiii (Hmmm....)

6. What do you think about the person who tagged you?
Someone who has her ethics and morals strongly ingrained but still does not seem like an anachronism. She is grounded in the values of the past but has the outlook of the present generation. She says I am a lot like her :) which does make me very happy!

7. If you could have a house totally paid for, fully furnished anywhere in the world, where would you like it to be?
I would chooooooooose......... Hmmmm place does nt matter. Home is where the heart it. Give it to me anywhere I will re model it to make it "mine".

8. What are your must-have pieces for summer?
Patialas and Kurtas

9. If you could go anywhere in the world for the next hour, where would you go?
Would go to a the Ayush massage center in the next street. The neck, shoulder and back have been complaining and I yearn for a massage. Never managed the time for it :(

10. Which language do you want to learn?
Phew! Not Tamil :) Ignorance is bliss and I want to continue that state. (No offense please please pretty pleaseee)

11. What’s your favourite quote?
"Life is what happens when you are busy making plans " :D

12. Who do you want to meet right now?
Honestly speaking - no one. Prefer to be alone in this corner typing away like crazy.

13. What is your favourite colour?
Blue :)

14. Give us 3 styling tips that work for you.
Remember your body shape - clothes should highlight the good parts and shade off the not so good ones
Pay attention to the shoes
Dont go overboard with the makeup kit

15. What is your dream job?
IAS officer

16. What’s your favorite magazine?
Reader's Digest

17. If you had $100 now, what would you spend it on?
Hmmm.. $100 would not make a humongous change, even I would give it in charity

18. What do you consider a fashion faux pas?
The same color all over the place or lotsa prints on one single person. Hate to see people wearing a floral print kurta with a striped salwar etc - but trust me people do that. And yes atrocious color combis - dark blue shirt with brown trouser is so not cool and so is orange shirt with khaki green trousers. I could go on about the weirdest color combis I have seen :)

19. Who according to you is the most over-rated style icon?
Rekha :) in India.

20. What kind of haircut do you prefer?
Haha on myself, I just have it tied in a pony thanks to the frizzy curly unruly nature of them. Worn the same style for close to a decade now :( Since I get to do nothing with my hair, I dont mind how they are on any one else either. :) Somehow hate very short hair on women. They give me a feeling of having been tonsured in some asylum a tere naam style and sent back to civilisation. (Again noooo offense please - ladies who mite be having their hair till their ears. I was just being "frank" :( )

21. What are you going to do after this?
Cooking and drying the clothes

22. What are your favourite movies?
There are a whole lot - Amar Akbar Anthony comes bang to my mind somehow!

23. What inspires you?
My moms words.

24. What do your friends call you most commonly?
Cherrie, Amu

25. Would you prefer coffee or tea?
What an absurd question - tea beats coffee handsssss down.

26. What do you do when you are feeling low or terribly depressed?
Call mom, pray, talk to God, talk to K, get scolded by him as he continues his "advise express", cry and of course - go to sleep. Sleep is therapeutic for me!

27. What makes you go wild?
Wild in the bad way - into a fit of rage - room freshner which instinctively triggers a fit of sneezing.
Wild in the good way - the very thought of travelling somewhere, anywhere :)

28. Which other blogs do you love visiting?
All those in my blogroll :)

29. Favorite Dessert/Sweet?
Fruit salad

30. How many tabs are turned on in ur browser right now?
5

31. Favorite Season?
Winterrrrrrrrrrrr

32. If I come to your house now, what would u cook for me?
Matar paneer, poori and kheer. Okay? You want anything more heavy?

33. What is the right way to avoid people who purposefully hurt you?
Huh well.... I am very thick skinned at this one. I purposefully do not get hurt and more or less ignore or become nonchalant to such people. Trust me nothing irritates them more and they give up their efforts sooner or later.

34. What are you afraid of the most?
Lizards :(

35. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
I got biggggggggggg darrrrrrrrrrk circles around my eyes :(

36. What brings a smile on your face instantly??
Thanks to K I would give the answer as "K's imitation of Eric Cartman from Southpark "

37. A word that you say a lot?
Just a word - Ahan


38. What would you do if you were made President of India for one day?
See the entire Rashtrapati Bhawan hehe - A Paa style :)

39. What is that one thing that keeps you going.
Mom always says "Ganapati is watching us, He is never unjust." I live by it.

40. Whats one thing that you used to love that you left
Watching movies. Somehow something has ruined the charm of cinema for me :(

Rules for those who are tagged:


Respond and rework – answer these questions on your blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own, and add one more question to the list. Then tag others :)

I tag
Ashma
Shylu
Satish and
Shalom

The one where the phoenix rises

I have always held the legend of the phoenix as something very inspiring. Since the full meaning of it dawned upon me, during some poetry class in school I have always loved the word, the symbols and the allusions pertaining to a phoenix. That mythical creature somehow seemed to be looming large today.
While writing the last post, I was very jittery and depressed. An escalation email first thing in the morning completely bummed me out. I am someone who takes responsibilities very seriously. When someone questions that, I feel cornered.The other day I got on the back foot on seeing the way things were going. And yes there was one big pending thing from my side,which had been nagging me for long time.The period of illness pushed back my schedules majorly and somehow I never got the time nor the stamina to catch up fully till the nth moment. Somehow that one email that day, made me feel betrayed. In spite of the consistent effort, somehow I felt the email questioned my commitment. Rather than steeling myself, I broke down. I cried in anguish and tried to think of worse times in the past when I had been challenged and pushed against the wall. I was not able to summon any will, the fortitude and the calm to rebut.

At length did some sanity sweep in.To prevent any distraction and additional wastage of time, I decided to plain and simple work from home for the coming days. I was amazed how sometimes the best of me comes under trial. I had a short deadline, I was nervous, I was very unhappy, but somehow God showed me the way to get the thing going. At the cost of sounding very melodramatic I must admit, I was able to get rid of the pending chore and that too in time. A bit of delegation helped a lot. By evening the stance of the management seemed strangely positive. Things were gearing up from red to amber at least if not green.

Today at the end of day2, day2 of being this recluse in fire fighting mode, I see light. Yes things are still undone on many fronts, there are question marks on bigger areas, there are issues of a larger nature, but the clear and present danger seems to be taken care of.I love working from home. It gives me just the right balance.When I am too bogged down, simple house work, takes my mind off the problem and helps me clear the clutter, inside my head and from the house. To take a break I move around, actually live in the home so tastefully set together (Weekends hardly make one relish "home" as one gets too busy getting some rest, :| catching up with friends, pursuing some long left book or paying attention to pending household duties) On weekdays when I work from home, I actually stroll around and savor the house when I need a break (No TV, no novels, no snoozing off) . The movements of other residents of the apartment make me realise how many different types of lives are there apart from the standard IT life we face most commonly. Shrill cries of kids returning from school in the afternoon make me long for those frolicsome days. Old people sitting and generally chit chatting make me wonder how I might be when I am like them. And the icing on the cake, the tea I make for myself at 1645!

Hmmmm...well back to ground zero. Immediate concerns are getting ticked off while long term ones - well I prefer not thinking about them. They seem ominous enough but still they can change at any moment into anything - it is not possible to be preemptive enough. Till then as Abhishek says - hum ek jeevan ki prapti karte hain (Let me get a life)

PS. His sarcasm did make me sit up and take notice. And for all your (Jack, Satish, Deeps and DD) concerned comments - Thanks so much!

In the same vein

I am feeling like I felt 2 years back. I thought reading that might make me feel better, but then I saw nothing was worth the while. So to give vent to my pent up feelings or maybe to get some clarity as to what the heck am I thinking, I chose to write this.

Things are seeming all haywire right now and blame it all on the work. Work has kept me more than busy since the last quarter of last year. Illness ruining my speed for nearly 3 weeks added fuel to the fire. I have been bringing work home, I have been running against time to get the stuffs done and even when I am not working its work on my mind. I simply hate the feeling. Even when I am with family, a part of me feels, I should go and get connected. But then the other half things "When duty calls shove it under the carpet (I have a penchant for remembering the wrong idioms :D ) Its very tiring I feel - always walking on the tightrope. The constant dilemma, the guilt (be with family or get to what gives you your daily bread.) I prefer the easy ways of life, when things are under control. Who wants to drive in top gear and feel jittery all the way?

Somehow this time also, I happened to read a piece in the Times of India, which stated how work defined the existence and identity of so many Indians. I completely concurred with the content. Work does not make us. There is more to us than what we do to earn. But then is there more to us than what we do for some good 10-12 hours everyday? It is so difficult to etch another self from the one which takes up so much time, energy and commitment!

For quite a while things at work - this thing that pre dominates our lives have been so uncertain. The worse part is, not only for me, but for K too. Both of us would have simply loved to continue what we were doing for as long as we can. But, there seems to be something different planned - and the plan is still nebulous for both of us. Not only us, there are people around us who are also in a state of flux. The team structures which both of us have become so attached (or rather used) to is on the brink of a mammoth change - and not all change is always for the good :S. With so many winds blowing, we are not even sure which terrain to align ourselves to. And if things ultimately remain just the same, I am sure the effort spent thinking and planning is so exhausting, it will seem like a gargantuan waste when its over and done with. I keep praying, asking Him for the way, for a hint. He somehow whispers, it will end up being good, but till then I think we have to summon some underground source of will within us.

Just waiting for the tides to settle down and praying for strength. A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor they say ( At last I remember a decent saying :) ) ...... Hope this ends soon and whatever lies beyond the calm, be the best for us both..... :S

Honestly speaking

Nancy gave me the Honest Scrap award for the "openness that shines through my pages". I felt - Chalo kisine mera sahi hunar pehchana :D
Now the tough part is this award comes with a tag in which one has to mention 10 facts which others may or may not know. Hmmm... I thought 8 was difficult enough till I was made to do 20, then a quarter of a century, said a lot about myself through pictures after which I surprised myself by writing the mighty Century tag!
But still people if you are not satisfied (or rather bored) of knowing about yours truly here are some more hard hitting facts to digest :D

1.I am a bit conscious of the fact that some(I am sure of one aint sure if there are some ) of Ks friends and family read this blog.The sadder part is they are all silent which is a bit unfair since I never get the other party's opinion. Not that it makes me cringe and bite my nails thinking how to camouflage what I am thinking - cos these are Cherrie's blogs. What you get here is a dice of my mind :)

2.My left and right are very bad - I mean when any one says left I do right and vice versa. Tend to do the same to others too. Imagine going in an auto some place and there being only on left turn and I screaming right right!! Have left many Chennai auto fellows damn perplexed due to this habit of mine :)

3.K says when I drive I look just like my mom - and I love believing that. :)

4.I like it quiet in the mornings. Yes no discussions, no talking, no music nothing. Don't even like bhajans or stuff like that put up in the morning. Just like it quiet (Loved the way Jason Statham says that in a movie - no patience to remember the name of it, I think in The Transporter :( )

5.I psychologically need food once every 4 hours. Even if I ate a horse in the last meal, even if it was just tea with a bun. 4 hours done and I want grub again :)

6.I love the fact that I was a bio student in school. I understand many stuffs, I can hush the non bio kinds in a debate if not logically then with big words at least :D

7.My sister listens to me more than she does to my mom. She kind of looks up to me as an idol which is funny but true. :) And I have known this since a longggggg time :D

8.Maybe being a sickly person with a very low immunity makes me very attuned to the aches and pains of others. And I come first in empathising and taking care of a sick person. Sinusitis since I was some 7 years old made me realise how a good head feels and how a bad head feels. Since I savoured the massages mom gave me so much, I picked the knack and am good at giving massages! But I reserve this treat for the deserving few only.

9.I completely lack any sort of diplomacy. I am what I am - in your face. Many a times, being the typical me, I have vented my "free", "frank" and "open" ;) opinion giving two hoots to the repercussions. Have been embroiled in many domestic tiffs due to this also :( But DNA never changes I guess.

10. Yesterday was our 2nd wedding anniversary and it was beautiful. I know everyone gives the first one the most hype with others fading to anonymity till the silver knocks. But somehow the first one was lost somewhere between work and home chores. And the 2nd ended being so special. I was able to work from home while he took off. Went out for lunch with mil and then lazed around the house. Evening was some work for me and random tv for him. But being with each other itself was a pleasure beyond words. We turned two and it felt hmmm good :)

For me the award goes to:-
Piper
Abhishek
Renu and
Satish

Go on put the award and put up 10 things about yourself!

Ummmm holidaaayss

I simply love holidays. I love the feeling I get the day prior to the holiday. I feel all holidayie :D This time Pongal was the one I was looking for. We were not supposed to do any celebrations since K's paternal had grandma passed away. So we ended up having the time as I love to have. Generally on celebrations day out here, we rise and shine real early and things get done quicker. By 10 in the morning the inmates of the house are jobless with all things done. What follows then is a date with the tv. It is a heavy contrast to the scene at my parents place where we all loll around in the bed late and spend all the time in the world chit chatting and wasting time and eating gorgeous amounts of food!

This time since there was nothing much to be done, we decided it would be 3D Avatar followed by lunch outside. The 3 of us made a real family outing for the first time. Prior to this all the trips we had made in the car had been for some task or the other. Picking someone from the airport/station, going to get something from the shop, dropping someone on the way somewhere - there was always a deadline and a business motive behind the usage of the vehicle. But this time around the purpose was purely pleasure :) With songs in full blast, off we headed to the mall cum multiplex. Since we had some time to spare, we lounged around the mall. And no one simply strolls around with so many wares on the shelves and credit cards in the pocket. So there we went all berserk with mil buying some devotional CDs (I also got a Ganesh Vandana CD on her reco and it was real good!), me laying my hands on some real nice books and perfumes and K too grabbing his share of deos. After the exhilarating retail experience it was off to Pandora.

We had a good lunch at Sangeeta and then went to K's maternal grandma's place to spend some time there. The evening rounded off early since there was the last day standing to be ticked off before the week ended. Friday the office bore a deserted look thanks to 2nd day of Pongal as well as the solar eclipse. I really like that look of my workplace somehow :) There is less noise, less people to disturb one and of course smoother traffic to and from work! Saturday was spent with family and evening attending the reception of one of K's college mates. Thankfully mil accompanied us since the friend of K's was once their neighbour too. Cos she was there, I had good company. Its really a pleasure to see old friends meet. They just loose count of place and time. It nice to see, K still managing to have his bunch with him while it makes me all the more nostalgic and yearn for mine. Touchwood, friends are really the family you choose.

Sunday again I could spend happily with a book since there was nothing much to be done. The one thing that kind of kept bothering me was my mom not doing well. She s been down with some acute gastric problem for quite some time. One saving grace is the presence of my sister - who is both able to take care of her and the home. I hope mommy recovers soon :S

Now that the weekend is over, a major festival of TN is over, there will be no sights of decorations welcoming one on the roads. There will be no more hearty laughters and idle chit chat as people gear to take on a festival head on. Heres to just miles of work ahead :(

An end and a day of beginnings

All good things come to an end and so did the holiday season. It was something dreams are made up of. I was with my parents and sister and we never did anything out of the world. The only thing we actually did was spend time with each other doing the simple day to day things.

I got my mom one day to office, and that being the very day, the car broke down cos of the battery giving up. Thank God mom was with me, else I would have really freaked out. That day it really struck me how less is the penetration of English in Chennai. Somehow I have never been bothered by Tamil being the lingua franca in Chennai. But when things were really bad that day, we were just not able to communicate to folks in the company Tata motors and Exide what was wrong. It was really exasperating. In any state I have been in, the folks speak at least one other language apart from the primary language. But that is just not the way things work here. My apologies if I hurt the feelings of any Tamil speaking reader, but seriously that was one day I wished for petty politics, Hindi was not ostracised as it is in TamilNadu.

Hmm anyways enough of the drab stuff. The next day mom was home alone and poor thing, she spent the day watching 2 sad movies - Traffic Signal and Pinjar :) She heaved a sigh of relief once I was back. The following day I decided to work from home to be with her. While I was busy with work, there she was like my mom of olden times. In my childhood, my mom always made it a point to be near me when I was studying for important exams. She would eat with me, sleep near me, do whatever she had to do sitting near me. There were barely moments when she left me - being that strong solid pillar of support. That was the way I felt she was that day. Once work was done, we took a long stroll on the beach.

Dad and sister came to town on the 31st evening a ruckus broke in the house. We were our boisterous self, cracking jokes and I soaked in the pleasure of speaking in my mother tongue. Mil was on a week long pilgrimage, which made my dad feel even more comfortable and be at his louder best :D Shopping at T Nagar, going to temples, cooking a variety of dishes and road side shopping at Adyar and Besant Nagar, we did it all. But what I enjoyed the most was the long walks we took when we went shopping in and around Besant Nagar. We would venture out for sometime but when we got back, the clock would show 4 hours having passed! And we would realise we had walked and shopped the entire duration! I was so cocooned by my family, that I did not mind K partying the whole night of New Year Eve with his colleagues. I even did not mind him being down with a hangover of the New Year. I had 3 people making up for the love and attention he would shower ;) *evil*

But then came the morning of 3rd January when I had to see them off. It did not feel as painful as it would have been if it would have been just my parents. Since sis was along with them, I was more peaceful. My parents were well covered for. And so was my sister. I missed them immensely when I got home, but then, this is life.

The next day, was the first day of the new year at work! K had a new schedule to stick to which was much earlier than his prior timings. :( And I had picked up walking. The doc had advised me against gymming following the typhoid attack. So I took to walking, reminiscing the lovely walks I used to take with a dear friend when I was in Calcutta and the refreshing ones I used to take with roomie dear in Hyderabad. But now I just got the ipod for company and the vast expanse of the sea. I also started taking the car independently to work - a thrill! and the first time was a fright!! A dream has come true after 22 months! :D

Heres hoping things remain sunny. And hoping all my readers had a wonderful start to the new year. :)