When will this pass?

Its going to be close to a week since we saw off dear sissy at her work - and the emptiness is yet to go. What bothers me more is the state my parents are in. I have not heard them happy since Monday. There is a strange note in their voice - something which makes me feel like leaving everything and rushing to them.

When I moved out of the house, which was a good 9 years ago, never once did my parents urge me to come home. Yes they used to miss me and they wished I was around with them, but they always stressed what I was doing then was more important than home. I always had stern directives, if classes are a bit slack then come home. If the project release is over, then come home. I always had an assurance, they are fine without me. Even if they missed me, it never came out overtly except sometimes over phone calls and letters. I always felt my parents are self reliant and I used to be proud of the fact.

But now that they are alone, their loneliness just comes through in every word they say. In spite of having an active social life, I feel as if they are yet to escape their loneliness. Mom asked me if would be possible for me to come over for a week in July and dad went to the extent of saying, take a month's leave and be with us. I know they are saying all this in a fit of weakness and emotions. Still it makes me feel helpless. It is so unfair, that parents spend a good part of their lives fending for the very children who one day might not even be close to them. The gross injustice of this fact leaves me suffocated.

And I feel completely at a loss reaching a solution for this scenario. 2 days back, I was nearly tempted to ask my supervisor, if it would possible for me to attain a work from home option alternate months or so. On another occasion I was thinking, how good it might be if my parents move base for a year or so, say take up a house in my city and be here just to be closer to us. Otherwise I keep mulling how good a puppy be in replacing us and then again I wonder, how about adopting a child and giving a good upbringing for someone with a disadvantage. I do know that all these options are just an eye wash - a mere veneer to cover a deep scar. But I so wish, I had some remediation. I see the same situation for a lady who is our neighbour. She too has 2 daughters, married and settled and her husband is no more. She is as busy as any other working lady being voraciously involved in religious and charitable activities. I admire how she gives the same commitment to so many activities she is involved in. But when sometimes mil says, she breaks down into tears sometimes when she was misses her husband and her children, I felt exasperated.

Phew! I am not sure if I went through a whole lot of ranting. Some of my readers are in the situation my parents are in - I would love to hear how they deal with it and maybe give some insights into how my parents might be feeling at deeper level. If they feel there is something I should do that could better things, I would be most welcome to do it. I hope this passes over soon :S

Feeling blue

Since the month of March, ever since I came back from a visit to my parents, I was waiting for June 17th. The day they would come to Chennai and we would make a trip to Mysore to see off my sissy for her job. And the run up to their arrival was filled with so much anxiousness. I wanted everything planned to the T. Since there would be 6 of us travelling- I had the hotel rooms and the cab for travel pre booked. When I learned that my sissy (being my sissy ) had a luggage count of 5, I started scurrying for an optimum vehicle. I had to scout quite a number of cab providers in the city to finally get to the one which would be able to provide a large enough vehicle. That apart, I got planning on what to cook the next day. My dad has a tongue for non spicey food - which is not so much of a norm in southern India. So I had to coax my mil to let me tweak the food to adhere to my dad's taste. She was exasperated seeing the miniscule quantity of tamarind and red chilly I used. She felt it was sacrilege to make sambar with just a pinch of tamarind and one red chilly (for 6 people) but then I put my two dainty feet down and said "Today you adjust :P "

The whole day prior to their arrival I could barely contain my excitement. My friends would vouch for how I was all pepped up for the upcoming vacation. I was waiting for the clock to tick the day away.

When my folks finally arrived - it was some feeling. The house was full of stuff. The gifts were exchanged - the best being a diamond ring for me from my dad! Over the chatter everyone forgot their apetite. Inspite of my cajoling that mil and I have been up since 6:30 cooking, my folks barely had the hunger. It was only excitement that prevailed - nothing else. A meagre breakfast done, mom, sis and I ventured shopping while dad chose to avoid the tan :) With mom shopping is typical - its a frenzy. She makes sure she checks out everything, more or less visits every shop and ends up buying a lot but each one is simply unique. Sis and I survived the period with mom and also managed 4 awesome buys. That done we strutted home where there were a zillion+1 last minute stuff to be done. Till the last moment we were zipping bags, pushing things into polythene bags to put it properly later in the station, yelling at each other, reminding whether one has taken this or that, checking the taps, the switches, the gas stove - it was pandemonium personified. Thanks to all this - all 6 of us slept like there was no tomorrow in the train.

Reaching Mysore, we had an awesome time. The lesser said the better about the tour. We ate good, we slept well, we had some real nice time talking with eachother, we argued about which way to take, we felt exhausted, we clicked a lotssssa pixies :). The penultimate day did turn out to be a bit on the off side, since we chucked the plans to tour around cos of general exhaustion. But the choice made us all feel a bit lousy and bored towards the afternoon. But then - nothings perfect. That night mom, sis and I chatted late till the night. The conversation just flowed easily and did not dwell on anything in particular. We kept on cos we had a feeling - tomorrow yet again we go separate ways, having no idea when we might meet up again. And tomorrow, the baby of the house - my sis, leaves the nest. It was a feeling full of trepidation and anxiety. But more than my sis, I was worried about my mom and dad. I know having 2 daughters, they might always have prepared themselves for this time, when inspite of needing them the max, they would be without them. But no amount of preparation comes close to the actual event. While dropping sis at her stay, when my dad also shed tears, I felt too frustrated at the damn distances between us :( Wish any one of us was a bit closer to them :( I know my condition is much better than folks who stay across the continents, but then ......

Through out the return journey I was bursting into sporadic tears. I am not a person to let my emotions flow easily, but then yesterday I felt it was better to let go. Giving two hoots to what people might think, K just hugged me and let me be. All the planning, all the preparation everything over in those 4 days and all that remained was a lull and fond memories. K was so used to the ruckus that morning he too had a forlone look. Our house which was such a mess just 4 days ago, seemed so empty. My parents today went into a house where the dirtiest room was the cleanest. It was very painful. But then when sissy called and said, she had slept well and last evening had gone cycling with friends to "survey" the place- we all smiled in spite of her tears. Life is so bloody ironical.

We went greeeeeeeen

No no no not with envy.

Friday, 5th of June was World Environment Day, which had the city plastered with images of save the earth, save water, save the sky and what not. And the next day, which had devil's numbers of 06/06 - K and I went an extra pedal to go green. While other couples may be hitting at the new Ford Icon or the Honda or the Nano (for them who want to start small), we went ahead an bought a Hercules Arrow.

For people getting this image in their mind and wondering what gibberish am I muttering - This is what we exactly brought home.

And it was such a wonderful little thing. K rode it the way back from the showroom and he was sweating! And he did feel glad about some of the tomato tummy melting away :) The next day I felt like a child again going round and round in the cycle within the apartment complex :D Felt silly no doubt at first but after a point the inhibitions were also gone.

We were long contemplating the prospect of getting one more vehicle - because sometimes when there were clashes of appointments among the 3 of us, we ended up either siphoning money to the auto rickshaw owners community or one of us ended up chucking the whole plan. And it was never for long distance, only one of us would actually be venturing on a longish journey while the other would be needing the vehicle for a short errand within the perimeter of 5 kms. Under such circumstances buying another vehicle was not so much of a solution, since we were sure the vehicle would just lie around and rot. We keep such busy schedules, we hardly get time to go around a lot. And whenever its long distance its a taxi. So buying a vehicle for running errands was not sound economics at all. But then lately, especially mil's temple trips and my gym routines were clashing a lot.

K had be hinting at buying a bicycle for exercise purpose for a long time - but he wanted that old fashioned, tall, black and ugly looking bicycle made eternal by the Daakiya daak laya song. I somehow convinced him to getting a unisex model in a neutral grey color and one which was a decent compromise to our jarring height difference :)

It was some buy! :) We were thrilled to own it. K and I have vowed to take it for all the short trips around. No more scooty when either of us is going anywhere within 5 kms at least.

Today morning I felt especially proud. I always believe myself to be an environmentally concious person. As far as possible I try to avoid plastic bags, don't litter around, try to educate others and so on. But today, when I took the cycle, I felt really good. Afterall if each drop can make an ocean, each person's small act can change the world. Can't it?

I dreamed a dream

No this post is not an ode to the sensational Susan Boyle.
I generally have dreamless sleeps but when I dream, I dream like no one else I think.

Yesterday, rather early morning today I had a rather strange dream which gave me enough fodder to make a post.

My house is just a stone's throw away from the beach. And I dreamt we were being attacked by the Taliban from the sea route! We saw from our terraces the whole big fleet of the Taliban catamarans approaching the Elliot's Beach (If a few readers are reminded of the movie Troy, I appreciate their skills to put things in a proper perspective.) No sooner did we saw the approaching fleet, than we started making preparations to fend the attack. Everyone started bolting their doors and putting extra locks.

But in no time we got news of Block A of the apartment complex being completely taken under Taliban control (Thank God we stay in block B) We also started getting news of the atrocities meted out by the Taliban like ordering the inmates to cook food, provide fluffier beds and all. We were counting the hours before we too would be under their control. Then I remembered that my friend A stays in the same floor as us and just 2 doors away (She actually stays in a different city). She has the dubious distinction of being the last person to know things that are important, I felt it was my moral duty to warn her. I walked the corridor carefully and reached her house, and as I had expected, the main door was open. I was filled with trepidation. Then when I entered her house, I saw 2 militants, hiding under a rack, and thankfully with their back towards me. I tip toed inside and in hushed tones warned my friend that the militants were already in her house! We carefully walked back to the front door (again praise the Lord that they did not look back when we were walking out of the house in stealth mode. ) We locked the door from outside and ran to save our lives.

But by the time we got back to my house, pandemonium had broken loose. That is when the whole building was evacuated and we all started running. There were gun shots, sounds of siren, smoke and fume all around and we were all running being chased by the men in turban. And all the time I was thinking - I don't want to die running :(

Suddenly we spotted a cavalcade of trucks. We were scared again since we were unsure if they were friends or foes. We all started to run backwards. Some people started climbing trees and hiding in a park nearby. That's when my Dad called and asked me - "Where are you? Why are you breathless?" I said Taliban has attacked Chennai. He was aghast and asked why had'nt I informed him? I said, "But you were sleeping" (I have no idea why I replied that.) He said, "Atleast you could have told me, I could have got the car. Rather than running we could have used the car". Then I said, "Dad there is no place to use a car here. Everyones running!" Then the call got disconnected and I heard someone on the loudspeaker from the trucks saying "We are the Indian Army. You all are safe now" I heaved a sigh of relief and calmly opened my sleepy eyes.

Mil and K were in splits hearing of the dream. But imagine what all I can amalgamate. This dream had traces of 2 news stories - the Taliban and LTTE saga. It was also influenced by Dr. Manhattan's character from Watchmen. Plus I had my usual family characters and friends whom I love a lot and think about too. Some dream!

Century!

Thanks a ton Ashu for giving some exercise to my grey cells. :) Here comes a very lenghty tag.. Brace yourself.

1. Last drink: Coffee

2. Last phone call: With Mommmmy

3. Last text message: Some Airtel promotion message

4. Last song you listened to: Something on in my gym maybe Britney Spears crooning "I was born to make you happy"

5. Last time you cried: Last weekend maybe. I was boredddddd cos K would nt give me the laptop. I still cry if I am bored :D A trait that has remained since I was a toddler.

HAVE YOU EVER...
6. Dated someone twice: K who else.

7. Been cheated upon? Cheated - Guess no.

8. Kissed someone & regretted it? Hell no

9. Lost someone special? Hmm I dont think so.

10. Been depressed? Of course!! And I tell you its an awful feeling.

11. Been drunk and threw up? Nopes

LIST THREE FAVOURITE COLOURS:
12. Red
13. Black
14. Blue

FIRSTS :
15. Made new friends: Yes :) Luckily started it in school when I chanced upon Sameepa. She was a friend to stay.

16. Fallen out of love: No - Am too level headed for that

17. Laughed until you cried: That's not me :)

18. Met someone who changed you: Changed me a little bit? - Yes. My friend Swapna did bring about some changes in me. Again I am too stubborn to bring in a whole lot of change.

19. Found out who your true friends were:Yes during graduation.

20. Found out someone was talking about you:Yes in school :) We were silly girls then :)

HAVE/YOU:
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: K is very much on my friends list :P

22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life:There are 4 whom I don't know. Rest all I do.

23. How many kids do you want to have: 2

24. Do you have any pets:No

25. Do you want to change your name: NO

26. What did you do for your last birthday: Went roamie roam with K :)

27. What time did you wake up today: 9:45 technically though woke up umpteen times for the milkman, open door for household help, close the door once she left, answer a phone call from - Log sunday ko sone bhi nehi dete hain :(

28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Reading Love in the time of Cholera

29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: My parents to make a visit here

30. Last time you saw your father: In March

31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life:One decision I took in my professional career

32. Most visited web page: Goooooooooogle

Whats your:
33. Name: Amrita

34. Nicknames: Cherrie, Amu, Moooo, Moosie, Chubby,Bunny

35. Zodiac sign:Sagi

36. Male or female or transgender: Huh. Female

37. Elementary: St. Annes Convent School

38. School: Carmel Convent

39. Colleges:NIT Rourkela

40. Hair color: Jet Black

41. Long or short: Longish :)

42. Height: A little less than 5 5"

43. Do you have a crush on someone? Hugh Jackman, Sachin Tendulkar :D

44. Ever been in love? Still am :D :D

45. Piercings? Ears and they suffice

46. Tattoos? Are you talking to me?

47. Righty or lefty: Righty right

48. First surgery: Will the ear piercing count? :P I got it done at a pediatrician

49. First piercing: Those ears are coming in a lot of answers

50. First best friend: A girl name Ranjita in school. We were such thick friends.

51. First sport you loved: Badminton

52. First pet: A doggy named Ramu :) Ram Jaane how his name came :)

53. First vacation: We used to make yearly trips to my mom and dad's native place during summer vacations. But a real vacation which I remember was a trip to UP and Delhi with 13 other member of our family.

54. First concert: I attended or I gave? :D

55. First crush:Mel Gibson and Roberto Baggio :) I had a crush on Baggio more when he missed the penalty stroke. My heart just went out to him.

RIGHT NOW:
56. Eating: Nothing.

57. Drinking: Nothing again.

58. I'm about to: Make lunch

59. Listening to: K blabber his suggestions on how to answer the questions

60. Waiting for: Him to shut up.

YOUR/FUTURE
61. Want kids? Of course

62. Want to get married? I am. Not again :D

63. Careers in mind? Oh manyyyyy Full time mom, teacher, librarian, financial honcho.... lotsss

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX?
64. Lips or eyes:Eyes undoubtedly

65. Hugs or kisses: Warm tender hugs

66. Shorter or taller: Tall. Short men don't make much of a statement :D ( Sorry no offense )

67. Older or Younger:Older

68. Romantic or spontaneous:Spontaneous. Romantic is so filmy

69. Nice stomach or nice arms: Nice arms only they can give the nice hugs :)

70. Sensitive or loud: Sensitive

71. Hook-up or relationship:Relationship dude.

72. Trouble maker or hesitant:I love trouble :)

HAVE YOU EVER :
73. Kissed a stranger: And why would I?

74. Lost glasses / contacts: Don't need either

75. Broken someone's heart: Nay I am not a heart breaker

76. Had your own heart broken: It broke when I heard Mel Gibson has a Russian girlfriend :( :( :(

77. Been arrested: Noooooo

78. Turned someone down:Yes

79. Cried when someone died: Hmm yes

80. Liked a friend that is a girl?Like? :S I dont think this like is in the right sense

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
81. Yourself: Everyday

82. Miracles:Again everyday

83. God:Hes my pillar of strength

84. Love at first sight:Of course not

85. Heaven:No. Everything is right here on earth.

86. Santa Claus:Hehe no. It was a Mrs Udita Kapoor in school who used to dress up as one. So I always knew who he is :D

87. Kiss on the first date?No.

88. Angels:Yes. Moms are.

89. Devils: Yes :) Many kids are. :)

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
90. Is there one person you want to be with right now?I am with him now.

91. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time?No.

92. Wanted to kill someone ever? Oh yes. Sometimes I wonder how are suparis given :D

93. Among your blog mates, whom would you like to kiss? Ewww no one.

94. Committed a blunder and regretted later? Are nt all blunders regreted later?

95. Wanted to steal your friend's boyfriend / girlfriend? Noo.

Associate with something you wear:
96. White: Kurta

97. Black:T shirt

98. Red: Saree

99. Pink: Shirt

100. Posting this as 100 Truths? Was fun :)

Now I tag Renu, Shalom, I'll try 2 be truthful,Satish ,Abhishek Khanna(I know you hate doing them and would make a complete nonsense out of this - but i am being optimistic here that you may just write it ) and Shylu

Mera time kuch kharab chal raha hai :(

Yesterday was a very long day for me. Yesterday I was pick pocketed. Yes - you guys heard it right, and I am bad at keeping suspense and revealing at the very end as to why yesterday was a very long day for me - I was robbed of my wallet. Of the zillion + 1 things I carry in my big as a rucksack purse, the small cute navy blue wallet was what was chosen by the disreputable thief. And with it went 800 odd rupees, one ICICI platinum card, one ICICI silver card and 2 debit cards :( Thats why I said, mera time kuch kharab chal raha hai :(

Now back to the basics, how did it happen. Well yesterday I chanced to get into a bus to commute to office. As per my habit I paid for the ticket and went ahead to read Love in the time of Cholera. When I alighted from the bus, my purse felt a teeeeeny weeeeny lighter and I checked - the wallet was MISSING! Now till then I gave no thought as to who, when, how - I ran to the nearest auto. The urgency in my tone was sufficient to convey to the auto driver who knew no other language but Tamil to go ahead and chase the bus. He could have given any Hrithik Roshan a run for his money by the Dhoom ishtyle in which he drove the auto rickshaw. We reached the bus in the next to next stop and when I got in and checked, there was no purse to be found :( First I thought, maybe I was careless and had dropped the purse and the driver or conductor took it up. Crestfallen, I asked the auto rickshaw driver to drive me home, promising him to pay once we got home. On the way back itself, zip zap I got 2 messages of transactions worth Rs. 2840.50 and Rs. 6293.00(within a span of 15 mins of loosing my wallet). Then I was certain, that none of the bus operators had picked the wallet, cos they would be still on the route. It must have been someone who took it deliberately - and I had quite a few people who chanced to sit beside me and there could have been any number of opportunities for someone to pick pocket :(

I must commend the auto rickshaw driver for the awesome help that he was. I later discovered that he was infact waiting for someone to come when I came and approached him. But rather than waiting for that person, he chose to drive and help me. His other passenger in fact still owed him money for the onward trip. I called up that person to speak to him, since the auto driver did not have balance in his cell phone. The other gentleman said that, he had picked the auto from near his home and would pay him surely in the evening.

Once home, I had to go through the long, unnerving and extremely irritating process of cancelling 2 credit cards and 2 debit cards. My God, how ICICI bank made me wait wait and wait phew! I have gotten allergic to the theme tune of the bank grrrrrrr.... It took from 1220 to 1445 to get the 4 things blocked. Then since there had already been some transactions on my credit card, I had to file an FIR in the nearest police station and fax the same to the Fraudulent Department of the bank. When anything has to go wrong it will most definitely go wrong. Today being election day in the state, most police men were on election duty and the rest present were munching mutton biriyani clad in white vests ( believe me thats what they were doing ) When I saw the sight I thought I wonder if anything will work out today :( But I think the writer recognised my face ( Yes I had come to the same police station 2 months back to inform about the loss of my cell phone, and he obliged to take the complaint. Thank God! As we were coming out, we heard of another case of a girl having left her credit card in the ATM machine itself! Someone withdrew 4K cash and used the card to shop for 15K odd! She had left the debit card in her office ATM machine, means someone well educated was into such abhorable task. Maybe there should be more plastic money :(

FIR logdged, we came back home. I was dead tired not only with all the scurrying around but also because of a reprimands I got from K. He was hyper, tensed and very very anxious. And my dad being his replica, I had warned my sis not to tell him. When I reached home from the police station at 1530 and was about to have lunch, my dad wanted to speak to me! I was nearly narrating Hanuman Chalisa. I was too happy to hear "It happens dont worry" rather than a face a rampage from him. He was so chilled out!! I was amazed! Maybe he thought I must have got a heady dosage from K and could do without a repeat telecast from him. Lunch done, I lied on the sofa and dozed off for an hour and my mil who was with me through and through (poor dear she ) too had a cat nap.

Evening was full of analysis of how, why, when, destiny, karma, God. We called up the store as well to find out what had been shopped and it seems the spurious person had bought vessels and a fan! My dad was like " Arre why did nt he/she buy and ac!" I was like "Dadddddd!! " My manager being the good samaritan that he is, offered any sort of help needed even monetary :) When I informed my onsite counterparts, I was touched to see their empathy and concern. One of them retorted, the fiend should be made to do allllllllll the documentations of our projects, not once not twice but thrice and should even be made to answer some questionnaires :)

Frankly speaking, I was having a very ominous feeling since the morning. One thing or the other was going wrong. I had a strong sense something very wrong was going to happen. So when the theft happened, I was relieved in fact, that okay, if this is what had to go wrong, its fine. Whatever happens happens only for the good....

We have moved on and How!

Some days back I saw the wedding pics of a college mate of mine. I was kind of close to her at one point of time, but over the years our alignments and affiliations changed, and we formed our own distinctive circle of friends. Thanks to orkut, we kept getting updates on whats happening in the other person's life. When I saw her wedding pics 2 days back, I felt 2 things - first nostalgic - yea this was the way I had wedded some 15 months back and secondly - I thought how much we have moved on.

Most of my friends are married. Some nearly for half decades now, some in the seven year itch state :). Some are mothers! And most on the lookout for alliances or waiting for their turn to tie the knot. Some of my friends had improbable demands - and I saw them acquiesce real timidly to the charms of the guy and the whims of destiny. Some had long time sweethearts turned into soul mates. Some had difficult conditions and heavy baggage to carry but ended up getting the perfect person to share the burden. Some are still on the hunt for the perfect one - and I hope they get the partner of their dreams..

Today as I look my one year old neice and hear her mom say, I have to start saving for her wedding - I feel thats how maybe my mom would have said for me. And see now I am married, my parents are done with probably one of the greatest responsibilities. They still are waiting to do a lot more for me, but I am sure, getting a child marriage was something they will always feel proud of. When I see wedding pics of my friends, the thing that wows me most, is the expressions on the parents. I think its unfathomable the physical strain they would have underwent while arranging all the stuff and the less said of the mental anxiety the better. So on the wedding day, the eyes filled with love and concern for their wards yet a strange satisfaction is what makes me feel - we are blessed. We are blessed to have such parents.

And life does go on post wedding. Many things change, many for the better, some remain the same and some we struggle to keep the same. But the flux is really interesting. I was talking to my dear friend A yesterday who has lately gotten into full blown domesticity. And I was asking her hows life treating her now and all. Topics veered and we were reminiscent, how dark a picture we had of marriage. So unsure, so frightening. What if we ended up with the wrongest man on earth!! How might we go on? Touchwood - till now nothing that untoward has happened. (Hope our spouses have the same to say ;) ) During our student life, we saw married folks, but that was just passe. Today we are leading those lives and sometimes I think - hows married life for a particular person, how do so and so spend their time together, how do they manage to run the house. Nothing voyeuristic. But just like when we look at a house from outside and think about the people inside or hear about a profession and are curious as to what people actually do sitting in those place, similarly, I feel how others lives are. ( I am not sure how many people "look at a house from outside and think about the people inside" - but I do :S )

And then I feel how much I myself have transitioned. Today my answer to "hows married life?" would be different from what I would have answered in Feb 2008. And it will be so different in Feb 2010.