Making peace

 As I grow older I feel making peace is a very crucial life skill. Making peace with circumstances and environment. I am awaiting the outcome of an endeavor today. Specifically I am awaiting the results of an interview today. There are many pros to the change. I am really eager for the change. I am very anxious for the outcome. There was an odd sense of unrest since morning. 

But then I saw my team mate log off post lunch (a perk of being a very critical, experienced and long standing member of the team or an afternoon holiday - I am not sure). But it made me introspect about what I have. The relative trust of my team. The lack of judgement when I log off early to pick the kids or take a day off in short notice. And instead of being restless for the outcome of something in the future I chose to be peaceful for what I have. 

It is an acquired skill. I still get annoyed if it starts raining when I am planning a run. I get very irritated when my code fails  for a test when its nearly clear for going into production. I get jittery when I take up a new venture. But making peace with what is there currently makes life so much better.

Wot say?

Some 30 mins back - a thought struck me. I was so proud of myself at having thought the thought. Here it goes -

If one is unaware of the magnitude of a burden, one has no qualms carrying it.

Awesome eh? Thank you thank you :)  (What you have read it somewhere? Huh! Move on)

Now how this divya gyaan? The story so far ...

I had to buy some onions. I can get it from the nearby super market which is 7 minutes away, but you get it cheaper in the local farmer's market which is 20 minutes away. Me being the 'normal - penny  - pinching  - co-care -  taker -  of  - the  - kitchen  - and  - the -  monthly  - budget ' choose to buy it from the farmer's market. Come what may. Today while returning from work, I made the trip to the market (though my heart wanted to run home and see the beatific face of my sleeping baby) Anyways, back to onions and the price one had to pay for them. I went to the shop and asked for a 'bag of onions'. He asked 'which one'. (Too many questions now.) (If we software professionals asked this many questions to clients, we would always deliver zero defect products.) I gave a cursory glance at the bags and saw 2 types of onions - one with red peel and one with pink. (Simple) I replied 'the pink ones' (If clients always answered questions like this there would never ever be zero defect products). The shopkeeper took the answer and gave me the bag. I started carrying it home. 

Another trivia about me - I have weak hands. As in I don't know why, my hands lack strength of any sort. Being a right-handed person, I in fact reserve it for  'only the most important tasks' - like writing and cutting vegetables. I use the mouse, brush my teeth, stir cooking with my left. I underestimated the weakness of my arms when I took the onus of carrying those onions home. I had barely walked 4 minutes, that the hand gave away. I still had some 16 more minutes of walk left. (Yes there are other pragmatic options people think of - catch a cab, board a bus - but then. OK another trivia about me. I am ridiculously obstinate when it comes to walking. I like it so much and live by it to the extent that I chose to walk no matter what. Even with an equally ridiculous bag of onions.)

So heaving the bag, huffing and panting I somehow reached home. It must have taken me 5 minutes extra. 

Mil saw the bag and said - oh so much!! I said, ' last time also we got this much'. She was like no  way! And now we decided to do the sensible thing - weigh it. It weighed 8 kilos! ( Does not seem that much? Go give it a shot then :P ) Last time we had got 4 kilos :) Now I realised when the shopkeeper asked 'which one' he meant 'size' wise. Me being me went with the color (silly me *blushes*)  

So where did the divya gyaan sprout from? Well last Saturday, when we were coming back from Chiyaa's swimming class when I also take a swim while she takes the class with Daddad,we had a heavy bag to carry. Mine and her wet swim wear and towels and what not. Mind you - I have  a pretty conservative swim wear which covers a lot - till my knees. Once its soaked in water it gets pretty heavy. So there I was complaining to K that the bag was too heavy and asking him to share the burden. It must have 2 kilos max. Today I carried 4 times the load - and not a word. Ergo - 

If one is unaware of the magnitude of a burden, one has no qualms carrying it.

Gyaan as we turn one

Tomorrow we turn one - K and I.
20.1.2008- was when you guys lost your independence :) thats what mil told us in the morning! I said - No. No loosing independence, it was the day we starved while everyone was having good food around!

Seems a little while ago but its been one whole year since we have been married. And this little while has been quite a while! :) Initially we were apart for a couple of months, when we used to crib and fight over the most trivial of things. So much so, we started using a Year Planner from India Today to keep a record for the fights we were having. As I look back the initial months till June are red months(the cake being taken by this silly billy fight) while there were some real dry patches for instance Aug, Sept, Oct, Nov!! :) 4 months and not a single fight worth recording.

Since my sister in law was with us for a good part of last year, for her delivery, it was a merry family of 4. We had loads of fun with elaborate north Indian and south Indian dishes being cooked, for the whole time that she was around. Her presence and later the baby's cushioned in a lot of the days. Many days when we used to be sad/depressed/exasperated or plain bored, the cherubic face of Nitu would lift our spirits. And since we were 4, there was always company. If sil had to go to the doc, K could accompany her while I could be with mil to help with house chores. If K and mil had to run some errands, sil and I used to go for her daily walk in the evening.

The latter half of the year was full of small trips here and there - to attend a wedding here, to meet a friend there, a pleasure trip for the heck of it - but the jewel in the crown was the trip 3 of us made to my parents place. It was a good span of 10 days spent luxuriously with my family, when we visited Puri and Chilika, met the whole bunch of relatives and ate a lot of good food. So much so, once we returned, even K was quite dazed for a while and took some time to get his bearings back!

And now that we complete our paper anniversary, I am very happy that I was with K all the while for the past year. I used to feel for some time, that I gave up a gleaming career which was taking shape to move to be with K. And the many bitter moments in the initial phase of understanding each other was very patchy - which used to strengthen that belief of mine. Knowing each other is very different from living with each other. And I am glad, that we were able to do it sooner. Many times, simple things add to the joy of life, like planning how to re model the drawing room so that the LCD tv that we plan to buy in a million years can be fitted at a vantage point. Or planning from Wednesday itself how to spend the weekend, but ending up being at home like lazy sloth bears, with the whole food pipe choking up with aloo paranthas and raita! Or pulling each others leg as to who finished off all the chikki from the jar which had mil in splits.

Today as I look back, I feel, if I would nt have been back with K, I would nt have known what I would have missed. I see so many long distance marriages now a days, thanks to IT. A friend of mine is gonna complete a good year in 7 more days, of being apart from her husband. And I see another friend going on the same path because they have no plans in the offing which would make them be at the same place. This fact hit me hard as I was reading "Message in a Bottle". At one point Jeb Blake says," Things are different now, in our days, a man used to love a woman and bring her home to be his wife. Now a days, each one has a career and a life to look to, one of you has to move" - This was in context of his son being a country lad, loving a lady from the cities. I somehow see this rampant pattern now. The partners dont make immediate decisions, and keep postponing the move in anticipation of something or the other - the next appraisal, the next project, the next hike, the next promotion, and the whole 9 yards. Each next brings along another next and there is no end to it. After some time, the forced bachelorhood becomes habit and in due course more enjoyable. And one fine day, to take things in their hands, either one has to shift - which ends up being a jarring change rather than a smooth transition. I feel, the sooner one start living a married life, the better it is - for life is short, why take chances?

Take control

There is one thing I sternly go by - your life is your own and you should take full charge of it.

I lately heard some instances about a close acquaintance having some problems with her in laws - mostly mother. Its the usual, but way too trivial. The mother in law seemed to me a typical mother in law straight from the movies of the genre of Lalita Pawar. Now she does not help an iota in the house work, expects daughter in law to do everything from kitchen to clothes along with juggling an IT career. She goes to the extent of not taking proper care of her little 8 month old grand child. And to add insult to injury, lady goes on to blame daughter in law for everything, accusing her of not managing the house properly and to top it all accusing her of "torturing" her.

What I felt most unbecoming of a woman is she goes ahead and talks ill about her daughter in law and the alleged ill treatments heaped on her to all her relatives.

I was C-o-m-p-l-e-t-e-l-y appalled by all this happening even today. I was shocked and felt very shaken. One thing that struck me was - what is the son of the house doing? Yes point taken the lady on one side is your mother, but cant you see the person being victimized is your wife? Yes it is but obvious to not notice the minor mistakes of your own mother, but come on is nt there a thing called conscience which says - Woman you are wrong there. I seriously wonder if the guy (and I feel many guys) is bereft of this sense because of the loyalty towards the mother. But I personally feel, if the guy chooses to turn a blind eye to something that is so blatantly wrong, he is a complete wuss. (Excuse my language, but I guess I am way too angered)

Even if not the son, at least the father in law should curtail his wife and speak out when she over steps the border. But no, I wonder what made this "educated" retired man take cover under a newspaper. I wish a lightning would strike him.

If not any of them, then I feel the girl should stand up - for her, for her child. Shes got a career, got independence, and got a life of her. Its mandatory for her to respect elders and in laws, but its not written any where to take allegations lying down. I am not sure why some girls agree to some things when their heart is not into it. I feel its your own responsibility to lay things straight from the beginning. My mother always advised me, never treat your mother in law any different from me, else you will always feel the difference. And never be a different person there, else it will never be a home for you.

Every one should be aware of a daughter in laws individuality and respect that. I hear complains from some of Ks friends who are girls, that their mother in laws don't help at all and they find it real tough to handle house and work. I feel, ya feeling drained is ok, but if you are not able to take it then say it. Unless you tell there is a problem no one will get into ur psyche and pump it out. If cooking twice a day for husband and in laws is taking a toll on you, either ask your mother in law to help a bit, and if she is not in a position - GET help. Hire a domestic help. Do something. What good is coming out of bitching about your mother in law and complaining. End of day, you go tired to an unhappy domesticity.

This is not the adi manav age that girls dont have an existence. No asked you to follow the rules of Manu Smriti which says a girl should be depended on her father in childhood, a husband when married and a son in widowhood. If we choose to have such a life, we have no one but ourselves to blame. Seriously, if you dont assert you have a backbone, people will assume you have none and walk right over you. Take control gurll.

Ps. I am not sure if I am writing a politically correct post, so the views I hold in this post are entirely personal one. I am not being judgmental. But I welcome the views of other, if they can help me see the issue in a different light.

Life comes full circle

Life does come full circle in the end. Nehi ?
The other day I was reminded of a scrap by a friend of mine. He asked me if I was all settled at Chennai. I said ya kinda. And then his next scrap said "Life comes full circle does nt it?" I said to myself, Hell ya, It does. I had started working at Chennai, and I still remember how I was crying as if I was being put on no man's land. And now it is the place I will call home for a long time to come.

During my college internship at Delhi, I had a big time crush on a guy. He was the most impressive and intelligent person I had met. And towards the end I realised that he was a from southern part of India. His name completely defeated the fact, it was more like I was unaware, people with that surname hail from the south. At that point I had jokingly mentioned to a friend, if I ever have a marriage out of love it will be with a person from the south. And that is exactly the case now.

Last year, when I moved to a new job, I was a bit nervous. I was more nervous as to the genre of work I would need to do and since the company was not a very common name, I was hearing quite a bit of rumors. 2 days into the job, and I bounced upon a person who painted a picture of the place being worse than Guantanamo Bay. I was so mortified, that I took a flight for a day to get back to Chennai, to attend an interview; much to the vexation of K. That time I was not able to convince him that I was having apprehensions about the new job, he simply would not buy that. So I told, the interview I am going to attend is for my dream company and I would not like to miss it for the world. That time, last year I did not crack the interview. One year later, I appeared for the same company so that I could be back with K and was through. Ironically, my mother somehow held my current company in very high regards ( I dont know why, but mothers have their own reasoning system ) During my initial days of professional life, when I was lethargic to make any moves, she used to ask me, why dont u try there. And I used to dismiss her suggestion by saying, that place does not have good work for my technology. And I have chewed my own words and am working in the same place.

But the most surprising event that has happened in recent times which had made me ponder over the circularity of things has been one of my friends. When I was in my initial phase of courtship, I used to spend a lot of time on the phone. And this friend of mine used to get very irritated on not being able to get through me at the first go. I used to tell her, "I am always available for you. I generally keep talking to him cos we miss each other a bit. But you want to talk to me, I can always keep the call and talk to you." But some how she always used to get a bit offended by it. And now :) Shes engaged. And trust me her phone is rarely not busy :) See.... :) Life .........

There have been many many such instances in the recent times which just made me think, we are never ever able to fathom the bigger picture. In the meanwhile, I have done quite a bit of settling in my new life. Its been nearly 6 months since I paid a visit to my parents. A friend of mine said, you are living at home now, why would you want to go home. Yet another friend commented, maybe K is keeping you very happy. Mmmm... Well... first is correct but I still miss home. And second is partly correct and I still miss home :) More on the nuances of settling in my next post :)

Guru

I took a .Net training session for a batch of fresh graduates in my organization. And they gifted me a key chain. It has a lovely quotation inscribed on it, “Blessed is he who receives education and thrice blessed is he who educates”. I don’t know if I am thrice blessed because I don’t think imparting some mumbo-jumbo on .Net framework makes me worthy of that ( and since I am doubtful even if 2% of them will end up working on .Net technology :| ). But I would say I have been blessed in my life with some wonderful teachers who have – though it may sound clichéd- made me who I am today.

My first love is English- I am simply in love with the language. And it was my teacher in school who instilled this love. Miss Sharda Chadha- she epitomized perfection- be it her vocabulary, her diction, her thoughts, even her wardrobe! My best friend, Sameepa and I literally used to drool over her. English classes could not have been more interesting than Miss Chadha made them. She not only used to give some invaluable insights to the works we used to study, but what was more innovative was her logical bisection of scenarios. I still remember when she was teaching the poem “The Highwayman” by Alfred Noyes. (For those interested, here is the link to the poem http://www.teachersfirst.com/share/highwayman/st1.html )

At the end of the discourse, she posed a simple question,” Do you think the Highwayman was true in his love”. This led to a pretty animated debate, but I was impressed because she questioned an unstated assumption. She drove logic into literature - and nothing can be more engrossing.

My professional education career hardly had any “educators” making a scratch.

As I moved on to work, I enrolled for coaching classes for MBA. Life was totally changed after that! When I was at home I used to plan how to get the job done at office and when I was in office, I felt like a prisoner. Every passing second made me feel like leave the very chair and rush home to DI, Quant and Verbal Ability. I was worse than a junkie experiencing withdrawal symptoms.

And to make matters worse, I had some pretty ungodly elements at work to completely upset the apple cart. I went to my mentor at the coaching centre Sajal Mitra. He had the élan of a celebrity, but the intellect of a sage. At a stage when I was unable to cope with the pressure, he made me see the daunting task as a challenge. He literally made me feel like a phoenix and pushed me to push myself to the levels where I had never dared. He told me,”You will have troubles, but you will fight. You will show yourself and the world that you won’t crack. You will give CAT your best so that at the end of the exam you don’t regret not having put in your best.” He even went on to draw my plan of action. He made me pull in 18 solid hours from the 24 hour day and helped me allocate time to every aspect of the preparation. It was really amazing to see that so much can be achieved within the time we got also. I did not manage to get any calls from IIMs but I did not get an ignoble score as well. In spite of the trials I can say that I managed a decent 89 percentile; more important than that- I gave CAT my very best. Nothing can be more fulfilling. I still have the spark that he instilled in me and intend to attempt to “bell the CAT” this year. Hope this time I can convert my efforts into results.

The next person to cause pedagogical ripples in my life is Giri Sir. He is my swimming instructor. (Yes I am taking swimming classes :)) The sheer patience of this man amazes me! Swimming is a very tough thing to teach. But he has the utter patience to go on and on. I get frustrated with my lack of control on my breath and inability to move my left hand while swimming, or lack of coordination between legs and hands, but Giri Sir just does not give up. On one hand he is full of advice and on the other with encouragement. And not only for me, he coaches a 50 year old lady and 5 year old kids with the same dedication and determination. I can’t stop eulogizing the spirit of the man who is so true to his profession and an inspiration to so many.

It’s said a teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops. Truer words have not been said.